“Good.” Leaning forward, she attempted to meet Zeek’s eyes. Unfortunately, that was a lost cause. “And how are you, Zeek?”
He leaned into me even farther before shrugging, refusing to meet her eyes.
“You’ve been better. That’s certainly understandable. Judah’s a great friend, though. Do you think you could answer some questions for me? I promise, they will be easy ones. You don’t have to talk if you don’t feel up to it.”
Another shrug.
“Have you ever had suicidal thoughts before?”
Zeek gave a half nod, half shake of his head.
“That’s okay,” Mary coaxed. “With what you’ve been through, I would expect nothing less. I want you to know that it’s okay to be sad. Hating the world is also perfectly normal. The two of you have seen the worst of what humanity has to offer. That’s a lot for anyone to deal with. Have you tried to end your life before?”
“No,” he choked, his voice weak.
“Could you tell me what set you off? What made you want to jump last night?”
“H–He was taken away. I can’t…I can’t live without him.” My heart wanted to break and beat out of my chest all at the same time.
“I’m right here,” I assured him, knowing exactly what he was referring to.
“You’ve both been through a very traumatizing experience. Though, I must admit, I have never seen a bond as strong as the one the two of you share. You need to understand that it’s okay to fall apart. What isn’t okay is giving up your life to cause the other harm.”
“I’ll never be enough.” Zeek’s words resembled that of a broken plea.
“I only need you, Zeek. No pretending.” Leaning my head on his shoulder, I hoped he could feel what I felt for him. He may not realize it at this moment, but he was more than enough.
“I think,” Mary began slowly. “I think the both of you are still in a bit of shock over the circumstances. Not of just last night, but maybe finding one another again. You both have a fear, irrational or not, that one of you is going to leave the other. After being held in captivity together like you were, it’s challenging to know how to deal with life alone. Then, to suddenly find one another again after nearly four years…. That’s a lot for anyone to take in.”
That was probably the most honest statement I’d ever heard.
“So, let me ask you both a few questions. You don’t need to give me an answer, but my hope is that the two of you can answer them for yourselves. To be clear, the only way you will be able to move forward is if you’re both honest with yourselves.” She paused. “What is it that you want from each other? Where do you see yourself in five, even ten years, from now? But more importantly, who are you? Not just your name…who are you deep down?”
Ezekiel
There were no words spoken as we made the trek back home. Partly due to the fact that I was still numb. Well, sorta. The numbness had begun to wear off a few hours ago and I was wishing that it could have stayed a bit longer. Every once in a while, my body would begin to shake uncontrollably and I’d silently will it to remain as still as possible.
Judah had enough to worry about in his own life. He didn’t need me adding to it.
Taking a deep breath, I stared out the passenger side window, refusing to let my mind wander or think. Instead, I opted to simply live in the here and now. It was just easier that way. I didn’t want to deal with what was inevitably coming. I didn’t want to face my brother. And I sure as fuck didn’t want to lose Judah.
As much as it pained me to admit, Judah’s head doctor was right. About everything.
I sighed again, fighting back another bout of tears as Judah parked the car in front of my place. It took far more effort than I cared to admit to get out of the car and back inside. In fact, I didn’t even make it past the sofa before collapsing on my ass, head resting against the back.
Staring up at the ceiling, I silently willed my life to sort itself out. Judah sighed, taking a seat beside me on the sofa and snuggling up to my side. Instinctively, I wrapped one of my arms around him, keeping him close.
“I need you in my life, Zeek.” Judah’s voice was quiet, but strong. “I don’t care in what capacity, but I need you. Please, let me in.”
I dropped my head to my chest, unsure what to say. But apparently, that wasn’t going to work for him because the next thing I knew Judah was shifting his body weight to straddle my lap. Using his fingers, he lifted my chin and forced me to look him in the eyes as he knelt above me.
For the first time since we were held captive together in that tiny cell, I looked at him––really looked at him. His brown eyes were swirling with a tsunami of emotions. I could see the desperation for me to understand. Hope, too. But there was also something else. Something I couldn’t quite name.
“You are part of my soul, Ezekiel Conner Steeley. You’re every breath I breathe. You’re the water that I drink. You’re my everything.”
“Jude.” Tears clouded my vision, both of my hands gently cupping his face.
He couldn’t possibly mean what I think he means. Could he?I shook my head, convinced I was seeing things that weren’t there.No, there’s no possible way. He’s far too good for someone as messed up as me.
