“I may not want to fuck your body, Pet, but I’ll most definitely fuck with your head. By the time I’m finished with you, you’ll wish you’d never appeared on my radar. Of that, you can be sure.”
Judah
KNOCK! KNOCK!
When I opened the door, I wasn’t surprised to find Eli standing on the other side. Though, unlike most days, he was wearing his contacts today. Which meant he had been working outside of his home.
“You know you don’t have to keep coming by here every morning,” I greeted, taking a step to the side and allowing him into the apartment.
His eyes immediately fell to the trash bags which were still sitting in the kitchen. His eyes shifted to me, an eyebrow raised as he closed the door behind him. “You know that isn’t going to happen,” he stated, appearing to dismiss the bags of garbage. “Have you taken your meds?”
“Yes.” I suppressed the eye roll that threatened to escape. “And I ate breakfast. Even took a shower.” Okay, to be completely fair, I’d taken my shower last night after getting off the phone with Zeek.
“Good. Third day in a row now without me needing to remind you.”
Little did he know, I didn’t need reminding because I now had a list that I double checked each morning. It had been my therapist’s idea. After I voiced my desire to be able to handle life without a handler, she suggested I make lists or set alarms on my phone to help remind me of things I needed to do each day. Just the word ‘handler’ made me grimace.
“Everything okay?” Eli questioned, having noticed my reaction.
“Yep. Just the wrong choice of thought. I’m fine,” I assured, waving my hand in the air dismissively. “Guess who I ran into yesterday?”
“Someone that made you want to clean, it appears.”
“Well, maybe.” I took a seat on the couch, hands clasped between my legs to keep myself from bouncing all over the place.
Eli, of course, looked at me like he knew exactly how I was feeling. One of these days, he was going to make someone extremely happy. He just needed to stop giving me all of his attention before that could happen. I didn’t entirely mind, I guess, since my parents never cared all that much. But sometimes, it was a bit too much.
“What have you heard?”
“Are you going to tell me, or do I need to guess?”
“Zeek.”
“Oh?” He tilted his head to the side, analyzing my body language.
“Yeah. He and his brother came into the store. We had coffee and talked for a little while.”
“And how was that?”
“You sound like my therapist,” I groaned. “I know she’s going to ask me that today when I see her.” I gave him a funny look, which caused him chuckle softly. “But to answer your question, I’m happy. I mean, I don’t want to be too happy––what if he wants nothing to do with me? I don’t want to fall, Eli.” My voice turned sad at the words. Truth was I really didn’t want to fall because I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get back up. My emotions bounced around enough as it was. Apparently, that was all a normal part of the whole PTSD thing I was dealing with.
“Well, first of all, I think the new mix of meds your therapist prescribed will help.” He eyed me, letting me know that he meant every word he was saying. Though I’d never admit it, I liked them too. It had only been a week and I could already tell a difference. Of course, it helped that I was making sure I took them every morning.
“Second of all, I’m your friend. As such, it’s my job to make sure that everything works out for the best when it comes to you. Judes, I don’t want you to fall either. But if you do, I want you to know that I’ll be right here to catch you. That’s what friends are for.”
Sometimes it was still hard to accept that I actually had friends. Sure, I really only had Eli, but a few of his friends had also taken me in. Thankfully, none of them looked at me differently when I would freak out or say something stupid.
“I just don’t know if Zeek wants to be my friend. I’m a bit messed up, you know.” I tapped my head with a finger and looked to Eli for help. I wasn’t sure what he saw in my expression, but whatever it was made him come sit down beside me on the couch.
“I know your therapist has told you this before,” he began. “But you are way too hard on yourself, Judes. If Zeek chooses not to be your friend, that’s on him. That has nothing to do with who you are as a person. You are strong. It’s because of your bravery––fighting to escape and seeking help––that so many others were saved.”
I shrugged, not wanting to think about how I’d been able to escape my captor. It was a lot easier than it should have been, which was what bothered me most.
“But––”
“You did what you needed to do for yourself. You come first, Judah. Always you.”
Yeah, that is so much easier said than done.
