Judah
My knee bounced nervously as I sat in the booth while Eli went to the counter to order our drinks. I glanced around the crowded bar, my mind racing.Howhad he managed to talk me into coming here, of all places? I would have much rather stayed at home, huddled on the couch with a blanket.
Ever since Eli informed me that he had found someone that fit Zeek’s description, I’d been trying to focus on taking care of myself because I knew that was the only way he would agree to let me see him. I’d been doing good taking my pills over the past week and I tried to do my best to make sure I ate at least one meal a day. That had to count for something, right? I just hoped Eli could see how hard I’d been working.
The baseball hat I’d pulled down low over my face did little to hide my overwhelming anxiety. My heart was racing and my eyes were watery. No doubt they were still red from the small crying fit I’d had mere hours ago. Thankfully, Eli hadn’t commented on it when he came to pick me up earlier.
Glancing over at the bar, my eyes settled on one of the bartenders causing my stomach to twist into knots. I suddenly realized the reason Eli had picked this place instead of the normal little dinner joint he liked to go to each week.
Just on the other side of the counter stood Zeek. My hero.
Zeek’s eyes didn’t travel any farther than the customers he was tending to, which really wasn’t all that many. However, I did notice him pause a bit longer while talking to Eli. Unfortunately, I was sitting too far away to hear anything they were saying.
My racing heart sank to my feet as I took in Zeek’s appearance. His face was pale and he wore a blank expression. He looked as exhausted as I felt these days, so much different than the other day when I’d seen him outside his family’s house. That day, he appeared happy. But looking at him now, he more closely resembled misery.
I wanted to go to him, but my feet refused to move. Instead, I simply sat frozen, staring at him for far too long. As if sensing my gaze on him, he turned to look my direction. Luckily for me, I dropped my eyes just before they met mine.
A few minutes later, Eli came sauntering back to the table and took a seat across from me, pushing a bottle of water in my direction. He knew I would never dare touch anything that was offered here otherwise. Especially since I wasn’t a drinker.
“I saw him last week,” Eli muttered, just loud enough for me to hear. “At the club, I mean.” I knew who Eli was and the sort of club he attended. It wasn’t a place I could ever see myself being in. But to each his own.
I shrugged, wrapping my hands around the cold plastic bottle in an attempt to distract myself. Eyes lowered, I refused to make eye contact with Eli so as not to risk him seeing how that statement made me feel. The sad truth was that I wasn’t even sure how I felt myself. I certainly didn’t have a right to feel any particular way.
“You really don’t care?”
“Eli––” I swallowed around the lump in my throat, tears already gathering in my eyes. “Even if I cared, there’s nothing I could do. I–I’m just me.”
“Oh, honey,” he soothed, laying a hand over one of mine. “Tell me what I can do to help you. I can’t stand seeing you like this all the time.”
With more strength than I ever knew I had, I lifted my gaze and locked eyes with him. Somehow, I was able to keep my expression blank despite the storm of anxiety that raged within me. “I’ve accepted that I’m a lost cause, Eli,” I muttered. “You should too.” With that, I stood and turned my back on my only friend in the world.
I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t continue to pretend I was strong enough to get through each day while silently tormenting myself with what I thought I wanted, and what I actually needed.
With one final glance, I exited, grateful Eli didn’t try to follow me. Of course, I knew that was probably in part to do with the fact that I’d stunned him. By some miracle, I managed to make it to my car while still keeping everything bottled up as tightly as I could.
One second, I was leaving the bar–a place I vowed to never go again–and the next I was in my car, heading back to my small apartment. I didn’t even remember the drive. All I knew was that the overwhelming need to leave, drive, and never return was so close that I could have reached out and touched it. So, the fact that I ended up in my own home was a bit of a miracle.
Despite everything, I somehow managed to stave off the emotional breakdown that threatened to bubble over long enough for me to drag myself up the two flights of stairs that led to my tiny apartment.
Once inside, I locked the door. I didn’t even make it more than three feet before falling to my knees and succumbing to the pain within. I wrapped my arms around my mid-section in comfort and rocked back and forth, my forehead nearly touching the floor. My sorrow, my deep rotting soul…it was dying.
I can’t do this anymore,I thought as the tears continued to flow freely.
Ezekiel
Iswore I had to be seeing things because there was no possible way that the kid could be sitting in the bar I happened to work at. And certainly not with another man–the same man who had pretended to be lost when he knocked on the door at my parents’ house. I may not be the best at remembering certain things, but that was a face I would never forget. Especially given how suspicious he acted.
Keeping my face a blank canvas, just as I’d done all evening, I continued about my duties. Unlike most evenings, I didn’t have the energy for small talk. Hell, I didn’t have the energy for anything. I’d even briefly considered calling in sick. Eventually, I thought better of it. In the end, I knew that all I’d just end up wallowing in my own self-pity, wishing I were anywhere but at home. So, to work I went.
I just never expected the one person I’d been fretting over to show up. Okay, perhaps fretting wasn’t exactly the right word.
Sure, Jonah had been on my mind nonstop lately. That was to be expected after everything Theo had uncovered. But seeing this young man here, in front of me, caused my heart to clench. Of course, I just couldn’t be sure that it was him. Or wasn’t him.
It isn’t possible,I tried to convince myself.
Instead of acting like the adult I was, I chose to behave like a complete dick. I found that it helped me to push past my own fears, anxiety, and hope. If I were being completely honest with myself, I wasn’t sure if I wanted the kid to be real, or if I was just so far gone that I was seeing things that weren’t really there.
Whatever the case may be, I could feel eyes watching me the entire night. And I’ll admit, it was a bit unnerving.
