“What would you do if you were trying to reconnect with a loved one?”
“Who says that the girl even loves him,” I said, the words tumbling out before I could stop them. My eyes met Caesar’s for a moment before I moved them to Dr. Mayes. Surprise flashed across his face before he cleared his throat, hiding behind the wall he had built up. Same as me. We may be more alike than I wanted to admit. The words were already out, why stop now? “What if she’s never been shown love, so how would she even know what it is?”
“That’s a good point,” she said.
“And,” I said, leaning forward, “what if she just doesn’t want anything to do with anyone? Maybe she’d prefer to be left alone and live a life that she’s only now finding out she can have?”
“But family is important,” Brody said. “I wish I’d have had more time with my family. I was being a stupid teenager and missing out on so much time. Time that I took for granted. If I could turn back time, I’d bring them back for just one day so I could spend those last few hours showing them that I cared for them.”
“I’d turn back the clock to let Alan kill me. Then all this,” I waved my hand in a circular motion in front of me, “wouldn’t be me still trying to figure out what to do today.”
“So you wish your kidnapper killed you?” Dr. Mayes asked.
“Yes,” I said without thought.
“Do you still want to die?” she asked. The entire room seemed to hold its breath.
“No,” I said, my energy seeping from me like a balloon as I leaned back in my chair. “But I wish my suffering would disappear. I’m tired of fighting.”
“Then don’t fight it,” Brandy said. “Well, don’t give in to wanting to die, but I mean…shit. I don’t know.”
“I don’t plan to kill myself,” I said with a sad shake of my head. “Been there already. Killed my kid, too. But if death happens to knock on my door, I’d gladly let him in. I have no reason to really live, other than for myself. Everyone who cares for me will move on.”
“You had a kid?” Sawyer asked, surprised. Her voice broke on the last word.
“I was pregnant. Alan, my kidnapper, would rape me,” I said, blinking at the floor. “I wanted nothing to remind me of him. Except he still haunts me wherever I go.”
Before I could regret what I said, Sawyer wrapped me in a sideways hug, burying her head in my shoulder. I heard her sniff against me, like she was fighting off tears.
“I know that feeling,” Brandy said. “I had an abortion, but that was because I was fucked up on meth. I’m clean now, but having a drug-addicted kid wasn’t in the cards. It’s part of life, and the fetus is better off not being alive if it can’t have a parent to love the thing.”
“Some people would argue against that,” Caesar said.
“Women have a say over what they can do with their bodies. If we are raped, shouldn’t we have the option of taking care of something we don’t want? I shouldn’t have to raise a child that was a product of hate. Seeing that kid would be a constant reminder that I was fucked up and nothing would change. I’d feel depressed even more, I think. It wouldn’t give me a reason to fight. Only more reason to fall.”
“But there are so many people out there that would adopt. Wouldn’t that be an option?” Chloe asked.
“No,” Brandy said. “No one wants a baby who’s addicted to meth or other drugs. And then you have to think about what the mother would feel, knowing her offspring was out there somewhere. What would I do if I ran into my kid on the street one day? It’s not something I was willing to face.”
“Some of us can’t have kids,” Sawyer said, lifting her face from my shoulder. “Adoption would be a better choice. But no one here is to judge the other. So I can understand both sides.”
“Okay, I think we’ll stop this on a good note today,” Dr. Mayes said, taking back control of the room before it got out of hand. “Everyone is welcome to hang out for a bit, and if you need to talk to me, feel free to. I hope you each have a good week, and I’ll see some of you in our one-on-one sessions.”
Needing space, I stood from my chair. Sawyer grabbed my arm gently, loose enough that if I wanted to, I could pull away. Instead, I stopped, looking at her. My feelings were at the surface, and I did nothing to hide it.
“I didn’t know.” Her words were a broken whisper. “I…”
“You don’t have to say anything. It wasn’t something I felt like sharing. But...Caesar brings the worst out in me, I guess.”
“Maybe you do need to talk to him,” she said. “I know you don’t see eye to eye, but he is here. Trying. But if you need to talk about what happened, I’m here. I won’t be going anywhere.” She wrapped her arms around me, and I couldn’t help but let her hug surround me. “I promise. I’m not going anywhere. You can push me away, but I’m not removable.”
“Yeah, I know,” I said with a small, forced smile.
“Hey,” Brandy said. I turned to face her as Sawyer mumbled something about going to see Dr. Mayes. “About what you did. Don’t feel guilty, okay? If you don’t regret it, then don’t let anyone make you feel guilty. And don’teverlet anyone hold it over your head.”
“I try not to,” I shrugged. I shuffled my feet before looking back up at her. “I’m just tired of pretending to be who I’m not. I can’t hide it anymore.”
“Same here, girl,” she said.
