“You know you aren’t alone, either,” I said, entering the apartment. “Anyone would come to you to help.”
“Same as they will with you.”
“Yes, and I haven’t asked anyone to come,” I snapped, hearing his unsaid question. “I will ask when I need it, so don’t worry.”
“I’m not making a promise on that,” he stated. I didn’t expect him to.
Ididn’t know what to do. I wasn’t even sure what to feel. For so long, I had been waiting for the other shoe to drop. I had always been prepared for Alan to come jumping out of the shadows at any given moment. I knew he was waiting for the perfect moment to do so, since he was still out there somewhere.
He was still on the edge of my mind, and I was very aware that he would be showing his face sooner rather than later once he figured out where I was. I’d be waiting for him. And when he showed up, I would be ready.
I had to be.
In the meantime, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with my time. Going to therapy and group sessions would only take up so much of it. I already had a few hours to kill, and I was as lost as to what to do as I was a month ago. I felt alone as ever.
Pulling my knees up to my chest, resting my chin on the top of them, I stared blankly at the TV, which I had yet to turn on. For so long, I didn’t think something like this would be in the cards for me. The past few years, I believed that Alan would kill me before I ever got away from him. And he would have. He still could. He wanted me dead, or at least back into his clutches. It was a pretty good guess as to what he’d want to do with me if he ever got his filthy hands on me again.
Alan would make me beg for death. And I would, because what he wants, he always gets.
Over the past six months, so much has changed. I was at the lowest of my lows. Some days it was still hard to keep above the waves that wanted to drown me, but I was fighting.
I lifted my arm, the scar like a beacon calling my name. The thumb of my other hand rubbed across it as my fingers supported my wrist. The raised bump was long and slightly jagged.
As my thumb swept over it again, my stomach sank and my gut clenched. I was disgusted that not only did I try to take my life, but that I also wanted to do it again. I wanted to make my skin break open and blood to seep out.
I craved release. Anything would do at this very moment. It didn’t even have to be making my blood spill, but the craving was strong enough that I was tempted to jump up off the couch and find a way to soothe this burn that boiled in my blood. I wanted to tear this apartment apart to find anything, no matter how big or small, that would work to give me the release.
Instead, knowing I’d loathe myself more than I already did, I dropped my arms as if they were made of fire and growled against my knees. I hated feeling like this. I hated it so much. I didn’t like the feeling that I could cause myself harm, but I was used to pain for so long. It was the only thing about life that I knew to expect.
Slowly, the urge faded some, even though it was still there, teasing me as my heart beat in my chest. I breathed through it, when I’d rather have done something much different.
I was just about ready to give up and find something to cause the blood to flow when my phone rang. The loud ringtone caused my heart to skip a beat and my entire body to jump in response.
“Collin,” I breathed in answer.
“You okay, kiddo?” he asked, sounding like he was instantly on alert.
“Yeah. I think so.” My words were filled with defeat, so much so I could feel it as I spoke.
“Tell me what’s wrong.”
“I don’t know if I can do this. Am I doing the right thing?”
“You can, Scarlett,” Collin said softly. “You were so determined to do all of this on your own just a few days ago. You wouldn’t let anyone come with you. What’s changed?”
“I…I don’t know. I just had time on my hands and these thoughts invaded me. And now I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. Everyone keeps asking if I’m sure I’m okay up here on my own. And they all seem like I shouldn’t be alone. Maybe they’re all right. Maybe I shouldn’t be left alone. I don’t think I can do this.” The words spilled out way too quickly as my breath began to turn into pants. The panic was now beginning to consume me again.
“Breathe, kiddo. Everything will work out,” Collin coaxed. “Yes, everyone worries about you. You were missing for so many years. They all worry and that will not stop anytime soon. That won’t matter where you are. Near or far. But you are strong. Determined. And smart. Youcando this. Only you, Scarlett.”
“And if I can’t?” I whimpered.
“You will come out of all this stronger than ever, Scarlett. You will show this world just what you’re capable of. You will blow everyone away by the force of determination you have when you’re ready to return to us.”
“You think?” I sniffed. How could he be so sure? I felt like everything could cave at any time.
“I don’t have to think. I know,” he said gently. “It’s only been a few days. What you’re going through, it can be a bitch to handle. Mood swings. Panic attacks. Anxiety. Depression. Many of the people who care about you have gone through similar things. I’ve seen some of them at the lowest of lows, just like you.
“Think about this: if they can find footing on unstable ground, so can you. The stronger you get, the stronger everyone else will be around you.”
