“I think so,” I said, closing my eyes to stop the threatening tears. I still felt as defeated as I did days ago. The entire world was on my shoulders, holding me down.
“You are alive, Scarlett,” Dr. Mayes said softly. “He didn’t destroy you if you are here today. He has no say over anything about your body or actions today, if you don’t want him to.”
Didn’t she know that it wasn’t that easy? I couldn’t just wash him away like dirt, even though it would be nice to do just that.
“Does this Alan have a say on what you do right now?”
“No.” The word was slow from my mouth. At least, not physically. Mentally, well, that was an entirely different story.
“Then he has no control over you. He may think he still does, but if he isn’t your father, nor a part of your life today, then he has no say about anything you do.”
“But he took everything from me,” I said quietly, dejected.
“No, he hasn’t. If he did, you wouldn’t be sitting in front of me—nor would you even be here, talking and seeking help to figure out how to overcome everything. You have something you want to live for. All you have to do is keep fighting.”
“But I don’t know how,” I said quietly.
“What made you second guess your options? Two days ago, you were determined to set things straight, but today you don’t seem so brave.”
“I had a panic attack,” I admitted, pulling my knees up to my chest and turning to look out the window again.
“Hmmm,” she said. “Was it the first time you’ve had one?”
“No.” I shook my head. “I’ve had a few, but Collin always gave me something.”
“Who’s Collin?”
“A friend? Ace’s on-call doctor, I guess you could call him. He’s been there when...well, for a lot of stuff since I found out about everything.”
“Okay,” she said, most likely trying to wrap her own mind around everything. I had to be one messed up case.
“It’s all kind of confusing,” I confessed. “He’s grown on me over the past month or so. I don’t know what he really is to me.”
“It seems like you have a lot of people who care about you.”
“I do,” I agreed.
“Have you talked to him since you got settled in?”
I shook my head. The idea caused my chest to tighten, and I wasn’t even sure why.
“All right, so back to your attack…Any idea with what brought it on?”
“I felt it coming on the past couple of days, but I didn’t think it’d hit that hard.”
“You have been through a lot, Scarlett. It’s not something to be ashamed of. It’s the way your brain attempts to process everything. I hate to say it, but it may not get better for a while.”
“Great,” I huffed with a blink.
“Now, I can prescribe you a medication that will help, along with a few tricks that can lessen the attacks when they hit.”
“I don’t want pills.”
“Have you thought about maybe CBD, then? They seem to help better than medication sometimes.”
“Never heard of them.” I turned to look at her.
“They come in different forms, so it’s all up to the person on what works best. There are drops that can go under your tongue before you go to sleep at night, or pills, and even gummies. Here.” she stood up and walked to her desk. After finding a pamphlet in one of her drawers, she came back in front of me. “Here’s a list of types of ways to use hemp oil. Most of my patients prefer the gummies.
