I woke up with a gasp, tears clouding my vision. I didn’t want to remember. I didn’t want to face the reality of what I was missing out on in life. I just wanted to be innocent as this world was.
The dreams were getting worse. The last few nights, memories banged around inside my mind, fighting to be let loose. This wasn’t the first time I had woken up, but it was the first time in tears.
I flipped over onto my back, blinking up at the ceiling. Hope was beat out of me quickly. Between the time I turned five and the time I started my first school year, I had nothing left to hope for. There was no light at the end of a very long tunnel. There was no one to help me.
Alan had told me over and over that if I told anyone anything he did to me, I’d be called a liar and that he would kill everyone I loved. He told me he’d go and kill whomever I told, too. I had to believe him.
After the first year, he was my father. I forgot about my own parents and brother. They no longer existed—Alan made sure of that. He made them disappear from my mind, and my mind wanted to protect itself and hid them from me.
I don’t know if that was a blessing or a curse. I’m not sure I’ll ever know.
Rubbing my hands down my face, I felt the kitten jump up on the bed and pad towards me. She meowed softly before laying right beside me with a purr.
I turned over, cuddling her to my chest with one hand. She loved me, happy and content. My chest swelled with something in return. No matter what I tried to do, I just couldn’t help but like her.
I didn’t think anyone could have given me something better. I needed this animal like I needed my next breath. That scared me more than anything else.
“Should we call you Hope?” I whispered, scratching its head gently. “I haven’t had much of it lately. I’m not sure if I want to have any or not. But this family…they’re something else, aren’t they?”
What would it feel like to have hope? Love? Happiness?
“I don’t know what to do,” I whispered. “I’m so lost, kitty. I want to be happy, but letting myself be happy is terrifying.”
Happy and loved. Two things I was starting to want more and more. My heart and soul yearned for it.
I wondered what Lisa would think of this family if she were alive.
With Hope cuddled next to me, I let my eyes close and my body relax. I pictured myself as the cat, being held and loved and cherished.
Days passed in a blur. Collin hadn’t been too pleased when I failed to tell him when the pain got too bad. He didn’t want me to suffer...but I did. Pain meant that I had control over something in my life.
My emotions flipped back and forth on a daily basis. One day, I was okay to be included. I was content to answer questions that the men already probably knew the answers to. The next, I’d wish to be left alone and let myself wallow in despair.
Like today, which I’d found out was my birthday.
I didn’t want to talk to anyone. The only company I could deal with right now was Hope’s, and she was chasing a toy on the floor. Even she knew I didn’t want to be touched or talked to. If only everyone in the house could understand that.
I sat in the chair with my knees pulled up, looking out of the window. There was nothing for miles but fields and grasslands.
“Hey, Scarlett,” Dominic said, pushing the door open and stepping in. “Peyton’s box of stuff showed up.”
I barely glanced up at him before looking back out of the window, letting my thoughts go wherever they wanted to once again. Today of all days, I just wanted to hide away from the world.
“Come on, let's get out of here for a little bit,” he said, picking up my black flip-flops from the floor and handing them to me.
“Where?” My voice was even. I didn’t want to go anywhere.
“For a walk. You’ve been stuck inside for a week. Fresh air will do you some good.”
“What about Collin?”
“What about him? He won’t care.”
“He said I was to stay inside.” Didn’t he? Actually, I couldn’t remember if he had or not.
“You’ll be safe with me. No one for miles. Come on,” he said, holding his hand.
After slipping on the flip-flops, I bypassed his hand and walked out of the door. Dominic did seem a bit dejected that I didn’t take it, but I just needed space.
