Chapter 29
Zachariah
Somehow, I was able to keep my emotions from showing as I promised Avidya that I could handle watching the kid for a little bit. She looked so tired, and I wanted to do something, anything, to help her. I knew she wouldn’t ask. She was too strong willed to do that.
I couldn’t help but tell her to just go to sleep. I promised I’d take care of the baby so she could get some sleep. I could handle it.
I hoped.
I did well after I put a blanket over Avidya. It hadn’t taken all that long for her to fall asleep. I felt horrible that she had been through so much in such a short amount of time. I knew she had been through just as much stress as I had been, if not more.
At least I knew I had people who would keep my back if I got into trouble. I had a family I could always talk to. I had a place to live my life. I didn’t have to worry losing everything in a heartbeat.
With Avidya, she had lost both parents, a place to live, and her entire life. She willingly gave up having people on her side to keep her baby. She left me to keep this little human being that I wanted nothing to do with.
She had given up more than I would have been able to. Yet, here she was still on living.
Avidya was so much stronger than I gave her credit for.
When Joshua began to squirm, I was quick to pick him up and get a bottle made. I didn’t want his cries to wake up his sleeping mother if I could help it. It wasn’t all that hard to figure out how to make a bottle, or change a wet diaper. I watched enough TV to know how to do it all. At least I had the thought of how to do it down.
It was easier to watch than actually do it, but I did get the diaper changed and bottle made. This little baby was a wiggly little thing.
What I wasn’t counting on, or even expecting, was the feeling I got when I held Joshua in my arms. He was so small in the huge world. He had no one but his mother to care for him, and he didn’t even know what life outside of being a baby was like. He just wanted love, food, and to be cared for.
He didn’t have many wants. He had nothing to worry about. He had no one he would ever worry about letting down.
I wasn’t expecting my heart to grow, giving it room to maybe love this little one.
He looked so much like Avidya, it was scary, but I could also see myself in him.
What would he be like as a grown man? Would he be taking my spot in the family business? Would he be one of the men that I bossed around?
I could never do that. I didn’t want this baby to grow up to be a man like that. I didn’t want him anywhere near what I did. Would there be a chance he could live outside of all that? Or would he be forced into it because he thought it was the cool thing to do, just like I had at one time.
There were so many new worries now. The worries I never thought I’d be able to have because I didn’t want a child.
I had a child. A son. One that would no doubt follow in my footsteps.
A son that I was now fully in love with.
I never thought that someone could fall in love with something so fast. I hadn’t thought it was possible when I found Avidya, and I didn’t think for once second it would happen with this child. But I was proven wrong as I held Joshua against my chest and breathed in his baby scent.
At that moment, I promised myself I’d do anything to protect this little one from that type of world. I’d do anything in my power to keep my life out of his. I would do anything to make sure he didn’t have to be a man in the family business.
It was the least I could do.
Now, facing Avidya would not be so easy. I knew she thought I would be leaving him, leaving her. I had news for her—I was not going to leave. Even if she told me to, I would not be going anywhere.
Ever.
When Joshua began to grunt and fart, I knew I was facing something I had no idea how to handle. There was no way I wanted to wake Avidya up to change a diaper, so I went next door, asking for help. Another thing I never saw myself ever doing.
Krissy made fun of me, but was quick to do what I was too chicken to do.
When I went back to the house, Avidya was awake in panic, and I felt horrible that she felt like I’d do something to either one of them.
I felt out of the loop as I retook my seat on the couch as Krissy busied herself with cleaning up the small mess I made in the kitchen from making the bottles.
