Chapter 28
Avidya
After laying Joshua down in the bassinet that Krissy was letting me borrow, I decided to go take a shower. I wasn’t sure when I’d get another chance to get one with Josh’s random feedings. Normally, I’d asked Krissy to sit and keep an eye on the baby for me so I could get a fast one in, but with Zachariah I thought I’d be okay to get one.
“Knock on the door if he wakes up please,” I said before hopping into the shower. Once he gave me a nod, I shut the door.
Once the almost too warm water hit my back, I let more tears fall.
Why me? Why was it always me?
I didn’t know what to do any more. I wanted so badly to let Zach take away all my problems. I wanted him to stand up and be the father I desperately wanted. I just wanted things that were now so far out of reach, I had no choice but to put them aside.
As I told Zach, I was just me. Just the girl that always had to fight her way through each passing day because of one thing or another.
I was justtiredof everything.
I had thought I could do this all on my own, but the past week with very little sleep had certainly showed me just how hard this parenting thing was. Actually, it’d been longer than just a week of very little sleep. I had hardly gotten much since I gave birth to my little boy who I loved more than anything. It was also that same time I lost one of my last living blood relatives.
Most people would call it post-partum depression, but I called it dealing. And I was dealing with it all as well as I could.
The thought of going back to the family that I left was a very close possibility. I knew if I went back, it’d have been so easy to have the help, the love, and the support that I needed. If I did, I feared that Zachariah would have done something to take my child away.
I didn’t know this man any more. Nine months of being away from each other, I had no way of knowing if he’d do something stupid. I had no way of knowing if he’d take what I was so determined to keep.
So, I knew I had to stay strong and keep to my plan and keep things as they were.
The only way I’d move back to the one place that felt like home was if he was able to show me that he could be the father to this child. If Zachariah could show me that we were something that I did have to give up in the end, then I’d return.
If only things would turn out to be happily ever after.
By the time I got out of the shower and dressed, I felt more tired than I had before taking the shower. I wanted nothing but to go try to take a quick nap before Joshua woke up again, since he was a demanding little thing.
When I went back to the living room, I found Zachariah staring at our son as he slept in the bassinet next to the couch where I had moved it. I wasn’t expecting anything out of ten minutes.
I hoped that Zachariah would be open to the idea of all this, but I was not going to hold my breath for it. I knew his feelings on this subject, and I wasn’t going to push it.
He had to know by now that Joshua and I were a package deal.
“Good shower?” he asked as he spotted me.
“Sure,” I said, tight lipped.
“What can I do?” he asked after a moment.
I blinked at him. There was nothing he could do. Nothing that could help ease the hurt that panged inside of my chest.
“Nothing,” I muttered, flopping down a bit too hard on the couch.
“You need sleep,” he said, looking at me like he knew just how tired I was. I wanted to sleep. I wanted to be held. I want to let my husband hold me and make the entire world disappear.
“You’re telling me,” I yawned out. “You try going weeks without much sleep and let me know how you feel.”
“I’ll wisely keep my mouth closed to that comment,” he sighed. “Go lay down, Avidya.”
“Can’t,” I said, letting my eyes slide closed.
“Why not?” he asked, confused. “I’ll…I’ll watch him.”
