“What can I do? I want to fixus. Please,” he said, nearly begging.
I couldn’t say anything. I had no idea what to say to that. For most people, saying they needed time was what would sometimes fix this. But time was not on our side. We had nine months’ worth of time, there was no more time to be needed.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I don’t know if there can be anusanymore.” There was no chance of us getting back together if he could only be angry at my choices. I would never willingly live with another person that thought they had complete control over me like my parents had.
“Is there someone else?” he asked, sounding scared that there was a possibility of that.
“No,” I huffed through my nose. “There’s only been you.” How could he even ask that of me?
“So why? Why can’t you just let me in?” he asked. His voice rose a pitch at the end of his question.
“It’s not that easy,” I said, doing my best to keep my voice down. “You hurt me, Zach. You hurt me so much because you wouldn’t let me have a baby. You have no idea how much that hurt me inside.”
“I didn’t even know you had one until two days ago!” he seethed, slapping his hands on his knees. “God. I can’t have a chance to even think about it, or about the what ifs when you won’t let me have a chance to even grasp the concept that you have a child. And youhidit from me.”
“You can’t pull that on me,” I said hotly. “If you had known, what would you have done?”
He remained quiet, giving me what I needed in answer. I knew exactly what he would have done.
“See,” I said. “You proved my point. You can’t blame me for leaving.”
“I didn’t say I did,” he said. “Doesn’t change that you left me. You think I hurt you. But you hurt me, too. You broke my heart. You left me. You left us all without a word. That letter you left did nothing to help. You fucking broke me, Avidya.”
Near the end of the words, his voice finally broke. That tiny break in his voice caused my tears to finally fall. After that first tear fell, there was nothing I could do to stop the rest. There was no way I could as my body shook with each passing minute.
As sobs racked me, his arms wrapped around me and pulled me into him. I never thought I’d be able to feel his warmth again. I never thought I’d be able to feel his arms around me.
“God, I’m so sorry, Vidie,” he whispered in my ear. “I’m sorry. I wish I could turn back time.”
I was unable to reply, knowing if I opened my mouth, I wouldn’t be able to make any coherent words.
Instead, I let him hold me. I let him comfort me. I let him do what I had wanted so long.
I just wanted to be held. I wanted to have his arms around me for so long, I hadn’t thought it would be possible to have them again. Taylor never hugged me. Krissy had a time or two, but nothing like this. Nothing else felt like Zachariah’s arms around me.
Being in his arms made things seem a bit better. Maybe we could have a chance at fixing what was broken. It would take a while, that was for sure. But maybe we could be happy together.
I don’t know how long I let him hold me as sobs wracked my body. I don’t know how much time passed as I shed tear after tear, soaking his shirt. As I slowly calmed, I still let his arms stay wrapped around me.
Joshua began to grunt, causing me to pull away from Zachariah with a sniff.
“Sorry,” I said, wiping my tears away.
“You have nothing to be sorry about,” he said, brushing my hair away from my face. “I should be the one that is sorry. Not you.”
I gave him a tight smile as the grunts turned into cries.
After getting Joshua’s diaper changed, I asked one of the many things I feared to know the answer too. But if we were going to move beyond this, I had to take the step to do it. He didn’t seem to know how.
“Do you want to hold him?” I asked.
“What?” he said, eyes widening.
“Hold him?” I repeated. After a moment with no answer I let out a breath. Why had I even tried? I knew I couldn’t expect a huge turn-about like that. I had to take this all one step at a time.
I held Joshua on in one arm while I readied a bottle with my other. After a week of practice, I thought I was getting it all down. The tiredness was something I had yet to get the hang of. But it was all part of being a parent.
Once I was back on the couch, I couldn’t stop the yawn that escaped.
