Chapter 18
Avidya
Four hours later, which felt like a lifetime after everything that had happened, I sat in the NICU, watching my little baby boy in the hospital bed. The glass surrounded the baby, but allowed for someone to be able to reach in through the side to touch the baby. The nurses called the baby beds a giraffe bed, although I wasn’t sure why they used name, at least it worked,
My baby was wrapped lightly, cords were just about everywhere. It would have been scary if I hadn’t known what I was walking into. Itwasscary, but thankfully the nurse had explained to me what I was about to see before I was allowed in. Still, nothing would have been able to prepare me to see my helpless child in such a way.
I could hardly stop the tears of relief and sadness for everything that had happened in such a short time.
The labor pains were so horribly bad, no book, no other mother, could ever tell you just how bad it was. It was nearly burning from the inside out with no relief to be found. At all. Not even squeezing the life out of Krissy and Travis’ hands helped.
Now, I was just so freaking tired, but I couldn’t sleep. Not until I was able to see my baby. Joshua Taylor. He looked so small, though, now that I got to see him.
He had been whisked off right after the umbilical cord had been cut. As I had begun to push him out, his heart rate kept dropping. It had been too late to do a C-section at that time, but I was so tired, I had to have help to finish getting him out. The doctor had taken to using a clamp to pull him out as my contractions continued on.
No one ever told me it would be so hard.
Looking through the glass that kept my baby safe and warm, the heart monitor tracking the heartbeat, I was finally able to relax slightly. Not as well as I could if I was able to hold him, but at least it was better than nothing. He was alive, and that was more than I could ever ask for.
I had been so close to losing my life just hours ago, and now here I was staring at the life I gave.
His eyes were closed as he slept. He had a feeding tube in and oxygen tubes in his nose. My heart hurt for him, but I knew he didn’t feel any pain. He was just a little over three pounds, and had a few weeks to go before he’d be released.
“You must be his mother,” spoke a nurse as she came up to check on my baby.
“Yeah,” I whispered tiredly.
“He’s doing well so far,” she said. “I’m Hope. And I’ll be watching over him tonight. First time mother?” she guessed after she fiddled with a few of the machines and wires.
“That obvious?” I laughed, looking at her for a moment.
She was easily ten years older than me with her black hair pulled back into a low ponytail. Her green eyes were filled with compassion.
“He’s in good hands here,” she said, giving my shoulder a pat. “Eight weeks early is nothing to worry about. I’ve been there, and although I know it doesn’t work, try to rest. That way you can be ready for those sleepless nights that will be coming when he’s released.”
“If only I could sleep,” I yawned out.
“Your doctor can help. It’d be good. You look like you’ve walked through Hell,” she said, trying to brighten my mood.
“Oh, I have,” I said sadly. “I lost my uncle today, too.”
“Oh, honey. I’m so sorry,” she said. She sounded like it too.
I could only shrug, feeling tears prickle my eyes once more. Hadn’t I cried enough already?
“Things have to start looking up sometime. Do you have family here?” she asked.
“Yeah,” I sniffed. “My brother. He went to get me some clothes and lock up the house.”
The same house I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to step into again. But I wanted my own clothes to walk the halls in instead of this flimsy hospital gown.
How much of a mess was the house in? Did I even want to know?
No. No I didn’t.
“He’s not going to go anywhere,” she stated. “Go rest, honey. If anything changes, I’ll give your room number a call.”
“How long will he be in here?” I asked. I had to know.
