I had no idea what to expect for our wedding night. Heck, I couldn’t even know what to expect tonight!
My breaths began to come faster as my thoughts swirled in circles.
Crap, crap, crap!I chanted in my head, willing my chest to quite seizing with each short choppy breath I took in.
“Avidya, honey,” Zachariah’s voice reach me. He seemed way too calm for what my breathing was doing. Or lack of breathing, really. At least my thoughts stopped trying to figure out the whole oncoming sex. Instead, it was focused on why I couldn’t breathe correctly.
“Avidya,” he stated, his breath washing over my face. “Listen to my voice, honey. You’re in a panic attack. Try to match your breathing with mine. In. Out. In. Out.”
I tried to copy his, but my body wouldn’t do it right. Oh, God, was I going to die?
“Hey,” his voice became sterner as he laid a hand on my cheek. “It’s okay. I’m right here. Please, Avidya deep breaths.”
Once more, this time successful, I followed his cue on breathing in and out. After what felt like hours, I was finally able to calm my breathing, at least enough to where I didn’t think I was going to die.
“There ya go,” he soothed.
It wasn’t until then that I noticed I was in sitting on his lap, his arms holding me tight and my head resting against his chest. I could hear his pounding heart next to my ear as I slowly regained back my senses.
One of his hands moved to my hair, smoothing it down. I didn’t want to move; didn’t want to recall why I was in his lap. Although, I certainly enjoyed being held by him at any time.
“Can you tell me why you panicked?” Zachariah asked quietly after a moment.
Knowing that he’d get the answer out of me one way or another, and not feeling like fighting off the questions, I told him. I told him everything. Told him that I was worried about having sex with him. I was worried about not being good enough the first time; worried about not pleasing him. Worried that he wouldn't fit or be a huge disaster.
He sat there, listening to my fears that seemed to come out of nowhere. I didn’t understand why they came now with everything I’ve been through lately, but they did.
When I was finished, he didn’t reply right away. Was he mad at me? Was I already a disappointment?
“Fears are normal,” he finally spoke, still holding me in his lap after drying my tears off my face with his thumb. “I didn’t think meditation would be what would set you off. I knew a panic attack would likely happen sooner or later – it usually does with newcomers into my world. I hadn’t countered in everything else you’ve been through, and I should have.” He paused, wetting his lips.
“When we do have sex, I’ll make sure you are ready, both mentally and physically. Surely you know we can’t put it off on the wedding night, since my . . . the family has certain customs about needing proof that we consummated our marriage. I will do everything I can to make sure that you are as ready as you possibly can be for that night. I promise, Avidya, I will explain it more when the time comes.”
“Mafia family custom, I take it?” I asked out, lifting my eyes to his.
“Yeah,” he grimaced. “I was never a fan of the way my grandfather demands it, but he will want proof. I believe I’ve gotten him talked out of standing in the same room watching, given how new you are to my lifestyle. And the fact that we aren’t bringing together two existing families.”
“He’ll want to see the bed,” I muttered in disgust.
“Unfortunately, yes. I’m sure he’ll even test the blood that is left there afterward,” he replied as I shivered in worry and disgust. “That gives us plenty of time to play and get you ready, though. Iwillhave you begging for me that night, so you do not need to fret about it. Everything will work out just fine when the time comes.”
“Were you going to tell me?” I asked.
“I didn’t want to,” he stated. “But I would have, yes. I don’t want to hide anything from you. To deal with how my family works, I want you to know everything in time. Are you calmer now?” he finished.
“Yeah,” I yawned out. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I panicked, and it kind of came out of nowhere.”
“There is no need to apologize, kitten,” he said before pressing a kiss to the top of my head. “It will most likely happen again at some point. That’s why I’ve been taking it so slow with you. I don’t want to push you too much at once.”
“I need to be pushed, though,” I stated, turning so I faced him fully and knowing how true my words were. “I know I’m not ready for everything, but to get anywhere, I have to be pushed.”
“You are a lot stronger than I ever give you credit,” he muttered to himself. “You amaze me, more than I ever thought you could.”
I gave him shrugged smile. I was different here with him that I ever knew. He tested my limits I didn’t know were there in a good way.
I knew in time, that my limits would be tested more often, and I was okay with that.
“Just talk to me about your worries, at any time. I’ll be here to listen, alright? Also, I would like for you to start keeping a journal of questions or feeling you may be having, that way we can discuss them,” Zachariah stated.
“I’ll try,” I whispered, my eyes drawn to his lips as he spoke.
I had this desire to kiss them, to feel them once more against my own.
“That’s all I can ask for,” he said.
With one deep breath, I took the chance to press my lips against his, taking him by surprise. He only froze for a moment before his lips returned to kiss as his hands tangled themselves in my hair at the base of my neck.
The kiss went straight to my core, causing small butterflies to grow in my lower stomach. I didn’t doubt his words, his promise, that I’d be ready for our wedding night. Zachariah knew me well enough to know just how to make me crave more, no matter if it was a simple kiss or more.
