“I talked her out of it,” he said. “She had to go to Lily’s bachelorette, and we’re planning to talk after I get back.”
Miles studied the gauze. There was a moderate amount of blood. Enough for a regular adhesive bandage.
“Nate, I think this cut is small. I don’t need all that.”
Nate moved Miles’s cheek into the light and studied the cut. “I’m sticking with butterflies.”
Miles decided not to argue. Nate had already peeled the backingoff one, and the glint in his eye said he couldn’t wait to apply it. He’d always been heavy-handed when it came to first aid. After they’d pricked their thumbs with a sewing needle and become blood brothers at age ten, Nate wound an entire roll of gauze around their thumbs. He’d also put Miles’s arm in a sling.
“So what do you want to say to Avery?” Hayes asked.
Miles sat still as Nate applied the first bandage. He wanted to say he loved her, but that felt too big to admit now.
“I’m never lonely when I’m with her. I know that’s selfish, but it’s true. I want a future with her where we bring joy to each other’s lives.”
“So you want to say you love her too?” Paulson said.
It sounded so simple, yet the thought of saying it made Miles’s pulse quicken and his chest tighten. He’d learned a couple methods for managing panic attacks in therapy. They were also tackling his instinct to push Avery away when she often made his most intense feelings seem bearable.
As Nate opened the second bandage, Miles touched his cheek again, wondering if he should admit the real reason he couldn’t say it. His therapist had asked a question that kept replaying in his head.
If you knew it would end in hurt, would you do it anyway?
They’d been discussing his revelation that people loved their pets knowing they’d outlive them. His therapist suggested a dog might help Miles accept unconditional love and lessen his fear of loving anyone, including Avery. Could he love Avery if it ended the way his parents’ relationship had?
“I want to fully commit, but if I think about it too much, a rush of fear comes over me.” He turned his cheek to Nate. “I have a history of losing the people I love, and I don’t know if I can put myself in that position again.”
“Do you know how mad I get when you say that?” Nate pressed the second bandage onto Miles’s cheek and stood back. “I know your mom’spassing left an enormous hole in your heart. But sometimes I wonder if you woke up one day and decided to be lonely. Look around you, Miles.” He waved at Paulson and Hayes. “You haven’t lost me or any of these guys here. You’ve got your whole hometown rooting for you. Heck, my parents think you’re their second son. You’re rich with people who love you. And I know you love us.”
“You didn’t lose me, Anna Catherine, and Lennox,” Hayes said.
“Or me.” Paulson smirked. “But good God, did you try.”
Miles laughed. He didn’t deserve Paulson’s friendship, but he welcomed it. But Avery’s love felt bigger and riskier than friendship.
“I want to say I love her,” he said. “But every time I get close, I panic. And I can see how much I’m hurting her. It’s all over her face.”
Hayes sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. Paulson tilted his head to the side and grimaced, as if he knew a little about Miles’s predicament.
“Saying you love someone is like jumping off a dock,” Nate said, packing up the first-aid supplies. “The first time is the hardest. You get so worked up about saying it, it becomes its own life force. But I promise, it gets easier each time. One day, you’ll find yourself saying it all the time.”
He wondered if Nate chose the dock analogy on purpose. When Miles was about six, all he’d wanted was to jump off Montressa’s dock. Nate and his other friends were already doing it, and they were having fun. He’d watched them jump in enough times to know you sank when you hit the water. Everyone always floated back up, but what if he kept sinking?
He’d stood at the end of the dock, thought about it, and tried a running start but each time, he’d stopped himself and backed away. The anxiety of sinking grew into a roadblock. Finally, his parents intervened. His father stood in the water and offered to catch him. His mother offered to hold his hand and jump in with him. It had taken one jump with her before he’d done it by himself time after time. The safety theyhad given him set him up for a lifetime of fun on the water.
“I know you love her, Miles.” Hayes passed him a sandwich. “People don’t hope for another chance with someone they feel lukewarm about.”
True, but their chance would be short-lived. She’d leave for school in a couple weeks.
“Is all of this worth it if we won’t be in the same town in two weeks?” he asked.
“Hell yeah. Lily and I had an entire ocean between us when she lived in France,” Nate said. “You can make it work.”
“If she can’t come to you, could you go to her?” Paulson asked. “You tech guys are always bragging about how you can work from anywhere. Do it.”
“I’m a retired tech guy, and I have other commitments,” Miles said. “I’d have to put my classes on hold at NYU.”
“Or do what I did in college,” Paulson said. “No Friday classes and no Monday classes equals a four-day weekend.”
