“My amateur diagnosis only goes so far.” Lily smiled. “But if they are panic attacks, Miles can get through this. Therapy and finding what else works for him may take time, but he’ll get there.”
Avery wasn’t ready to give up on Miles. In their best moments, he felt like combination of kismet and a soulmate, what Mimi had termed akis-mate. He’d come back to her bed the other night, a sign he might still let her in. If that happened again, she’d ask Miles how to help and suggest some of the ideas Lily and Anna Catherine had shared.
“Thanks, y’all.”
“I love when from-aways say y’all” Lily giggled.
Avery remembered everyone that summer calling her afrom-away. It meant you weren’t from Maine. Who cared? You didn’t have to be from Maine to love a Mainer.
Lily reopened her computer and scrolled to the next picture. Her eyes widened and she spun the screen to Avery. The perfect puffin photo existed. Mid-flight, its head turned to the camera. Tiny orange feet trailed straight behind its body. The wispy clouds in the blue sky looked airbrushed.
“Lily,” Avery gasped. “This one is next level.”
“I agree.” Anna held her hand to her mouth. “They’re all cute, but this one has such life and movement.”
“I think it’s the best photo I’ve ever taken.” Lily grinned at her work and closed her laptop. “Puffins are too cute.”
Mimi used to say some things were better left unsaid, so Averydidn’t tell Lily Miles’s puppy photo was cuter. She picked up her phone instead and sent Miles a text.
Avery:Hey. Just want to say I’m thinking of you. Hope all is well
Miles:Hey. Walking home from therapy. Tired but feeling hopeful. How were the puffins?
Her chest lifted at the mention of therapy. Miles was trying. Maybe they both could find out how to communicate better. She hearted his message.
Avery: I always need a nap after therapy. The puffins were so much fun. So cute. Have you ever seen them?
Miles:No. I’ll put it on my list
Avery:List?
Miles:Someone taught me the virtues of having one … or several … going at the same time :)
Avery:She sounds like a keeper
Miles:Yeah, I miss her
Avery put down her phone and reminded herself that giving him the time and space he needed could turn that last text toI love her.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Miles
Thursday, July 27
The Kennebec River
The river was in charge. Bubbles shot up Miles’s nose and whooshed past his ears. Once he surfaced, Miles lay flat, pointed his feet downstream, and protected his head as he coursed through the rapid. He hadn’t seen whether Paulson had also fallen out of the canoe, but he hoped not. Given that they were in the last boat, the other boats could be far downstream and might not have seen him go in. Thankfully, Miles had insisted everyone wear flotation vests and helmets.
Body-surfing a rapid was wildly invigorating and frightening at the same time, but he wasn’t having what his therapist had diagnosed as a panic attack. He only seemed to get those when he considered a future filled with love.
It made no sense that loving Avery, who understood him in waysno one else ever had, could elicit more fear than he felt right now. The only difference he could come up with between facing his feelings for her and being carried by a raging rapid was preparation. He’d had little training in the ways of love, but he’d studied and rehearsed water safety. As a child, he and his father practiced falling out of a canoe hundreds of times. When the moment came, Miles knew how to stay present and remain calm.
You couldn’t prepare for an out of the blueI love you. If anything, he’d conditioned himself to avoid love and flee from commitment. But choosing to be alone wasn’t fulfilling anymore. Avery made him want to be a better man, one who could figure out how to love and support her. Getting to the best version of himself required going through rough waters.
“Rope!” a voice yelled.
A thick rope landed with a thud on Miles’s chest. He grabbed onto a knotted end, lifted his hand, and gave a thumbs-up.
