What came next after leaving the lake loomed large. Denying it wasn’t fair to Avery. He’d never asked her where she wanted to land. Surely, she had dreams and plans that were important to her. Supporting each other required love and commitment, which sounded amazing and overwhelming at the same time. Miles’s chest tightened, and his heartbeat sped up. He’d noticed a pattern to this gripping fear. Next came the sweat.
“I want us to try,” he said. “But I don’t know how to figure this out, and maybe we can’t until we are living in it.”
Avery placed a hand around his wrist, circling his veins with her thumb. Her touch was meant to soothe but it did the opposite. Their eyes met and her brow furrowed. He hooked a finger into his shirt collar and pulled. Miles wanted to know for sure he loved her. But love should feel easy, not frightening. He didn’t know how they’d make it work with his rising anxiety.
She picked up a cufflink from the counter.
“You’ve stepped away from your life this summer.” She matched up the holes on his shirt cuff. “I know you need to get back to it. I need to figure out my next steps. I’m having second thoughts about the MBA, but I don’t know what else to do.”
She’d mentioned her doubts since the night Casper went missing, and once again, he didn’t want to weigh in on a big decision that shouldn’t involve him. He would celebrate and support whatever she chose.
“The thing is,” she said, smiling at him, “I don’t see myself as a consultant or investment banker. I know we have the party right now and this isn’t the time for a deep discussion. But there’s a fork in my road, and I don’t know how to navigate all of it. Maybe we could talk about it later.”
She finished putting on the right cufflink and lifted her hand to his cheek, running the back of her knuckles along the edge of his jaw. For a second, he thought about telling her that her deep blue eyes matched her dress, but she spoke first.
“All I know is I love you,” she said as her eyes melted into a lovely starlit haze. “That’s all that matters. And this time, we’ll figure it out.”
It caught him by surprise, how easily she said those words. Ten years ago, she could have interpreted sayingI love youas the beginning of their end.
He wasn’t sure how his face reacted to a moment he hadn’t seen coming. He should have treated her words as what they were: the bestnews. Whatever shape his face took, it clearly wasn’t the joyful expression Avery must’ve hoped for. She lowered her gaze and picked up the left cufflink, intent on her work.
She’d taken a major step in their relationship and once again, he couldn’t keep pace. Sweat burst out on his brow, across his sternum, and under his arms. His silence had to hurt, but he couldn’t move. Part of him screamed to lift her chin, kiss her, and repeat the same words back to her. Not loving her would break her heart again. But expressing his love could lead them down a path of profound and painful loss. Losing her would decimate him.
Miles rubbed his right hand over his heart and inhaled deeply to calm the internal cyclone swirling inside his chest. It was no use. His heart raced faster than it had when he had run a sub-four-minute mile in college. His collar squeezed his neck.
“Avery, I can’t…”
Breathe.
The doorman buzzed just as she finished with his left sleeve.
Breathe.He inhaled, held it, and exhaled. One more time. She didn’t seem to notice. His internal storm began to quiet.
“There.” Avery adjusted his tie. “You’re hot to go and ready for your speech.”
She stepped back and excused herself to get her lipstick and handbag. He rested both hands on the edge of the counter and took a few more deep breaths to calm himself. When she came out of his guest bedroom, his heart had stopped racing. Miles focused on her crystal purse, shaped like a tiny camp tent, looped over her arm. Avery loved a theme, and she’d nailed this one. For him.
For the first half of the ride, they stared out their respective windows, the tent handbag between them. Neither one said a word. About halfway to the Carter Park Avenue Hotel, he’d rested a hand on her leg.
“I need more time.” He heard the melancholy in his own voice. Thisnight should be fun for her. He’d made it tense, maybe unbearable.
“I know.” Avery smoothed her skirt and picked up her purse, fishing through it for something. If he had to guess, she wanted her lip balm.
Miles wished for a way to tell her his fears and not cause her to worry the two of them would never get things right, or worse, think she was to blame. But the next thing he knew, the car had turned onto Park Avenue. The Carter’s awning was straight ahead. There wasn’t time to discuss this now.
Her phone buzzed in her lap. His buzzed a second later. She opened her texts, and her hand rose to her mouth.
“Oh.”
“Everything okay?” he asked.
“It’s Wes. He and Jeanette from the diner just got engaged.” She turned the screen to Miles, but he barely glanced at the photo because the smile on Avery’s face didn’t match the hurt in her eyes.
A rush of guilt came over him. If he’d handled theI love youbetter, those eyes would be bright and happy. Saying it back now seemed like trying to even the score. His silence had delivered a blow, and it occurred to Miles that Avery knew unanswered love all too well. He reached across the seat and took her shaky hand as her other hand scrolled through photo after photo of Jeanette and Wes.
“I don’t get it.” She put the phone in her lap, and Miles braced himself for her realization that at almost the same time she’d professed her love to him, their friend had professed his love to someone too, each event leading to wildly different outcomes.
“He proposed at the Wildlife Park, but not in the pretty center part with the otters. Or by the baby moose. He dropped to one knee in the bat house.” She let out a snort. “Who proposes at the bats? It’s dark and bats are gross.”
