He put the car in gear and drove ahead.
“That’s great.”
“Ayuh, but it’s also terrifying.” Miles sighed. He slowed as they approached the covered bridge across the river, looked through to make sure no cars were coming, and drove through at a snail’s pace. “Avery used to love this bridge. The inside reminded her of a cathedral, and she thought it would look magical if someone lit the trusses under the roof. I want to light it for her.” Miles pressed his mouth into a fine line and nodded. “That summer, I imagined proposing to her here one day, but things are different for her now. She’s been hurt before, and she’ll need a place where she’s comfortable enough to answer honestly. And I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this since I don’t know if we’ll ever get there.”
“It’s a pretty cool bridge.” Hayes leaned forward and peered up through the windshield at the trusses. “Sounds like you’re ready for the fun to turn serious. What’s the holdup?”
“I’m terrified of getting what I want. Half the time it’s a dream, the other half it’s a nightmare. I’m afraid of losing her.”
“Losing her because she won’t want what you want?” Hayes asked.
“No, because I won’t be able to get her back. That she’ll … you know, be gone.” Miles spun his finger in the air and saw Hayes’ confusion. “Like my mom.”
Hayes’s mouth rounded into an “O,” and he let out a whistle. “You’re afraid to love her because you worry she’ll…”
Hayes didn’t need to finish the sentence. Both men knew what Miles meant. A tear formed in Miles’s eye as he pulled into the retreat’s driveway. He stopped the car.
“Were you ever afraid of that?” He swallowed. “With Anna?”
Hayes gently rested a hand on Miles’s shoulder.
“Yeah,” he said. “It happens to a lot of us who’ve suffered a loss. They call it philophobia. The fear of falling in love. You can date casually and have sex but never make a long-term commitment. Women I dated got so frustrated with me because I couldn’t get past the casual stage. Unlike you, I’d string them along until they gave up and left. Such a jerk move and so immature. Anna wouldn’t give up. She got me to open up, found me the help I needed, and stayed by me. Every time our marriage gets challenging, I think about how she stuck it out when others would’ve understandably left.” Hayes shook his head and stared out his window. “So much about you makes sense now. I can’t believe I never saw it.”
“Ayuh.” Miles felt a sad smile come to him. “I’m panicking like I did that summer. I understand myself a little better now, but I feel myself falling into a spiral that ends with me hurting her and that’s the last thing I want to do.”
“You can get to the other side of this. And it’ll be worth it. Promise,” Hayes said. “But you need to tell her all this, because there is no perfect in love. Every relationship has challenges.”
“I want our relationship to be easy for her. I already put her throughso much.” Miles rubbed his forehead. “Unloading my issues feels unfair.”
“Let her decide that. I think Avery will do anything for you. You’d help her if she felt this way, right?”
Miles nodded. When she hit rock bottom after that summer, he hadn’t been there for her. If she ever needed him again, he’d get there as fast as he could. He shouldn’t try to predict whether his life or his issues would overwhelm her. She could make up her own mind. Maybe his panic would fade if he invited her into his whole life. This weekend was a start. Next, he’d ask her to the fundraiser. They could build from there.
“Tell her what you’re feeling. Right now, she’s analyzing what she witnessed this morning and possibly blaming herself.” Hayes sighed. “And talk to a professional. Don’t be the guy who runs a bereavement camp but hasn’t dealt with his own grief.”
Miles nodded again. “I have a good one back in the City. I’ll call her when I get back in the fall.”
“Hey, Mr. Tech Start-up, ever heard of Zoom? That’s how I do therapy on set. Don’t wait. Do it now.” Hayes rolled his eyes. “Letting love into your life is better for your health, your anxiety, and your outlook. But you’ll never know true love until you allow yourself to be vulnerable. Make the call. Put in the work. Trust me, the only way you’ll win the love lottery is if you confront what’s holding you back. Anna says you need a sprinkle of kismet too, but I think you got that when Avery came back to the lake.”
“Thank you.” Miles shifted the Jeep into gear, grateful they could talk things out with one another. “I know we share a similar pain, and I appreciate your willingness to revisit your own trauma to help me. I hope our camp helps others find the same support.”
“I’m always here for you, like you’ve been for me,” Hayes said as they pulled past the sign welcoming guests to the corporate retreat. “And I can’t wait to replace that sign and start helping grieving families find what they need.”
They passed an overgrown archery course and two dilapidated tennis courts. Miles imagined them filled with families redefining themselves.
“Dang, Miles, I think you found the perfect spot.” Hayes leaned forward and stared out the windshield with an open mouth as they passed the small outdoor amphitheater. The log cabins were straight ahead.
“Here comes the crown jewel.” Miles steered the Jeep toward the long lawn overlooking the shimmering water and blue sky. “The lake is the best part. Always.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Avery
July 4
Avery climbed the ladder, toweled dry, and plopped down on the chaise lounge next to Lily. They’d spent the morning relaxing on Miles’s dock with Anna Catherine while Miles and Hayes visited the corporate retreat. When Lennox went down for a late morning nap, Anna stayed inside and napped too. To cool off, Avery and Lily swam all the way out to the large rock everyone called King of the Rocks and back.
“I know this sounds weird, but this lake reminds me of the sweet tea we drink down south.” Avery reapplied sunscreen to her forehead. “They’re both so refreshing.”
