There’s no response after that, and I let my phone drop beside me. Unsurprisingly, my mind immediately returns to Brevan, and I wonder how we can spend time together again today. It would be inappropriate to make it seem like I’m favoring him, so I can’t just keep him at my side like I want to.
Besides, we’re here with a purpose, and that truly needs most of my attention. Today is Community Day. Magnus told me about how the campus and town transform for Community Day. I’m excited to experience it.
After our day, we’re heading into downtown Reykjavík to explore the city and take in the culture. I think maybe that’s when we’ll break off, and I can spend some time with Brevan again.
It’ll also give me time to grab some supplies. Not that I’m rushing things between us, but I’d like not to be caught unprepared again. I’d like to show Brevan that I can properly please him when I have the right tools to do so.
Remembering the feel of him under me immediately wakes my dick up. It’s been so damn long since my body’s been this responsive to anything. I grip my cock and close my eyes, slowly stroking down my length and remembering Brevan’s hand on me. The second orgasm met hands on dicks, and it was glorious.
I need to touch him again. I want to taste him. I want to see him orgasm for me again. He’s so expressive, so vibrant, and filled with life.
A whisper in my head says I need to stop this. And yet, as my body heats up with thoughts of Brevan’s sweet smile, I know there’s no way in fuck I’m going to stop seeing him unless he expresses that desire.
I need Brevan’s sunlight like I need air.
CHAPTER 21
BREVAN
I’m nervously excited to see Kendrick this morning. I must have lain in bed wide awake for hours as I remembered his hands on me. The way he kissed me. How we cuddled together.
I’ve never considered myself an overly sexual man. It’s not that I’m not interested in sex. I totally am. It’s just that I’ve had so many things to stress about since my grandfather died, and Grandma struggled to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table, and me in football, that all my thoughts not on football or school were spent worrying about that.
There was one time shortly after my grandfather died that I heard my grandmother on the phone. She was weeping and was telling whoever she was talking to that she was afraid of losing me and my brother to social services because she couldn’t provide for us.
Cody always said it was unfair that Grandma had already raised her kids, and now she had to do it again, but this time without Grandpa. It made me really conscious of a lot of things and filled any space in my mind that would normally be on sex with worries.
So many of those worries still persist. I worry that Grandma died because she finally had a chance to rest, and knowing that Iwas somewhere safe, and Cody had a job and an apartment, she didn’t have to stay here with us anymore.
I worry that I’m not going to get drafted, and I won’t have anywhere to go this summer. Yes, I can crash on Cody’s couch, but that can only last so long. He has a tiny apartment, and I know he doesn’t make enough to support me, too.
I worry that even if I enroll in the Master of Library Science Information program and complete it, I’ll still be facing a dead end with nowhere to go and no job. It’s not like I can just wish for my dream and it’ll appear.
No one tells you that. They tell you to work hard and you’ll achieve your goals. That’s not always true, though, is it? There’s a very good chance that I’ll never open the library I want because it’ll take a lot of money.
Money that I don’t have and have no way of getting. Even if I find a librarian job, there’s no way I’ll ever save up enough money to finance my dream. Librarians aren’t the wealthiest people in the world.
So… yeah. Football takes up eighty percent of my brain space. The other twenty percent is filled with schoolwork and worries. Any kind of sexual need or desire I have ever had has stemmed from temptation. Someone proposed something and I couldn’t resist the offer. Otherwise, the amount of worry and time I dedicate to football overshadows everything inside me.
I think that’s what’s led people to tell me I’m oblivious. I used to try to explain, but someone who doesn’t have the same kinds of fears and concerns that I do simply doesn’t understand how those can take up more residence in their heads than sex. To so many people, sex takes up a lot of real estate in their minds and bodies once they hit their mid to late teens.
That’s just not me, and I haven’t met someone who understands that. I’ve never met someone who truly makes me think about sex until Kendrick, either. As I sit at the table withthe other RDU students, I realize that it’s not just the big life worries that fill my mind, but even when I’m not hung up on future worries, there’s still something that I can’t stop worrying about.
Like this trip. Belonging here. Being smart enough to represent RDU. Since receiving the letter selecting me as a student ambassador, I haven’t stopped thinking about it with anxiety and maybe a little despair that I was going to let everyone down.
My brain is always filled with worry!
Kendrick is the first person I’ve ever met who’s quieted the fretful thoughts and allowed me to unwind. Even when we touch on my fears, I don’t feel the overwhelming sense of disquiet within me that the unknown brings. There’s space in my mind to enjoy his company. Admire him. Have a conversation about anything at all.
There’s space in my brain to think about sex and orgasms and touch. I can still feel the way he touched me, and I want more. I’m not sure I’ve ever wanted more before.
My eyes snap up as soon as Kendrick steps into the room, and our eyes meet. My breath catches when he gives me a smile, though he’s talking to Dr. Weaver. They stop at the breakfast buffet to fill their plates.
Keeping watch of him would be weird, so I lower my eyes to my plate and try to concentrate on eating while remaining very aware of where he is as he moves throughout the room. He and Dr. Weaver walk behind the table. I feel Kendrick’s presence like you feel the sun warming your skin after the clouds part. When your body is aware and goosebumps rise.
His hand grips my shoulder on the way by, and my stomach jumps into my throat. I glance up at him over my shoulder, and we share a smile. Then I turn back to my plate, hoping that I didn’t just advertise that I maybe have big feelings for him.
Everyone is talking excitedly about today. They’ve decided that þórðargleði University’s Community Day is probably along the lines of the festival that Dean Stommer organized in the fall, with another coming next month. It will only be the second one, but already it looks like the festival has grown fifty percent.
