“Not all the time, at least,” Brevan adds. He looks to his left, indicating he’s ready to stop talking.
I watch Brevan for a while. He’d gained confidence as he spoke—right until the very end. As attention moves away from him, he relaxes again, and I’m able to focus on everyone else sharing as well.
One thing I notice by the time introductions get to me is very clear. Iceland is like RDU on a larger scale. Most of my queer kids have a not-so-pretty picture of where they came from. I know this isn’t necessarily a true representation of queer kids around the country. I’m very aware we attract many who specifically come from bad experiences growing up. They’re here for safety. To escape. To find support.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who sees the pattern, though. Iceland is a much better place as far as this is concerned. At least in this small sample gathering of Icelanders, there’s no trauma in their past like my kids have for being queer. Again, maybe not a true representation of the country, but to me, and likely those with me from the US, it only reinforces what I already know—we as a country are not moving forward like we think we are. We’re leaving a lot of kids behind.
CHAPTER 15
BREVAN
Introductions felt like a roller coaster of emotions. There were a lot of highs, but then the floor dropped out, and you felt the lows like a free fall. I didn’t grow up having homophobic experiences. Or… queerphobic, I suppose. Is that a word?
Xile didn’t touch on his sexuality, but his gender identity. So that’s not homophobia, but queerphobia, right? Who decides these things?
The trauma ranged from families kicking them out to violence toward them in their hometown. I suppose my somewhat oblivious nature when it comes to attraction means I didn’t have to contend with that growing up. It means that it was mostly under my radar, good or bad as that sounds.
It hadn’t been the queernormative culture that RDU promised that got my attention. Of the three acceptance letters I received, all with football scholarships, RDU’s was the only one that offered room and board. That’s why I accepted.
I hadn’t known my life was missing the atmosphere that RDU provided. It was so potent the moment I stepped on campus. I know from traveling with football that not every campus has the same feeling. This is special.
I wasn’t sure how to put that into words, so I didn’t offer it during my introduction. In so many ways, RDU is just how I described it—an entirely separate world within the larger one. There’s no such thing as tolerance or acceptance at RDU. You are who you are, and everyone just lives their lives. It took me a year to understand that difference, but now I simply can’t fathom why the rest of the world isn’t that way.
It seems introductions took longer than intended. We take a break after, which I’m grateful for. It felt heavy, even with the punctuation of lightness dropped in from time to time.
“Go explore the campus,” Dr. Albertson says. “Compare notes. Share experiences. Stretch your legs. We will meet back here in an hour.”
Everyone gets to their feet, and we bundle up. As a gaggle of chatting students, we head outside. I allow myself to be shuffled along with the crowd.
One of the Icelandic guys comes to my side. “Hey,” he says, offering me his hand. “Auður. This is Einar.”
I smile. “Hi. I’m Brevan.”
Their smiles seem genuine. I can’t help but glance up at Kendrick. He’s not looking at me right away, but his eyes touch mine just as I’m turning back to them.
“Want to walk around with us?” Auður asks.
I nod. “Sure. Thanks.”
It’s warmer out when we leave the building. Not warm enough for me to feel like taking off a layer, but definitely warmer today than it was yesterday.
“So, library science, right?” Auður asks. “What’s that about?”
“The bachelor’s degree is a stepping stone for the master’s degree in the same field. It’s necessary to be a librarian. I don’t actually want to be a librarian at a school or public library. I want to own my own library, but I want to do it right, so this makes sense.”
“That’s cool, but what do you learn?”
“Oh, well. Besides literature and stuff, there’s a focus on research, organization, archival methodology, information management, technology, and…” I wave my hand. “That kind of thing.”
“Seems like a lot of work to be a footballer,” Einar says.
“I can’t play football forever. It’s really harsh on the body. So if I have a chance to play professionally, it won’t be more than maybe a decade, give or take. That means I have an entire lifetime to do something else. I’d rather get a degree in something I’m interested in now than have taken the easy way out and have to begin again later.”
“That’s a good way to look at it. You think you’ll go pro?” Auður asks.
I shrug. “I have an agent. He says there’s some interest. We’ll see.”
“So… I admit I thought this whole queer campus idea that Dr. Albertson put out to us seemed a little…” Auður trails off.
