Fuck. I’m an asshole.
“I will never say something like that to you again, Shiv. I never want you to feel bad when you’re trying to tell me something and I don’t understand.”
He nods. “Okay.”
“Do you forgive me? A no is perfectly acceptable.”
“I forgive you. I don’t think you were trying to make me feel bad.”
It’s interesting knowing that this man is my coach, someone who yells at us all to get our shit together on a daily basis during the season. Right now, he’s basically split open and sharing his vulnerability with me.
“Let’s try something.” I adjust so my knees bend under his and I’m resting on my forearms. “I’m going to tell you what I want to do, then you tell me how you feel about it. Excited, nervous, scared, uninterested, happy, horny—whatever. Okay?”
He looks far more relaxed now. “Yes.”
“I want to fuck you again. Maybe a little harder now that I know you like it. I want to make sure you feel the power of my piercing as it drags over places you didn’t know could feel good. I want to come inside you—with a condom—and feel you come on my cock again. I want you to take me however I feel like fucking you and for however long I want to fuck. Maybe I want to fuck you for a third time before the sun comes up. I want you to sleep in here, so if I’m horny in the night, I can wake you up and fuck you again. I also want you to only come hands free on me for the night. Now. Tell me how that makes you feel?”
Shively licks his lips. “Horny. Excited. Nervous. Anxious.” He pauses. “Ready.”
“Do all those things add up to you wanting that too, or do you have any reservations? Did anything I said make you uncomfortable?”
“Will you wake me up before we have sex?” he asks.
“Absolutely. You will be fully conscious before I touch you sexually at all. Every single time. I promise.”
He was nervous about that. I can hear it in the way his breath sounds a little shaky, so I go one step further. “Everything we do requires your consent at all times, Shiv. When I ask you if you want something, I need you to think about the permission you’re granting me when you answer. It’s not only about who wants what. This is your body. You always have control over your body.”
“This sounds like…” Shively shakes his head. “I can’t think of the words.”
“It’s the way sex and body autonomy is supposed to be.Thisis what we’re supposed to be taught. Regardless of anything else that might transpire in a relationship, consent should be first and foremost, and it can be revoked at any time.”
His smile is soft. “Thank you,” he says, and for a minute, there’s a shift inside him. Like he’s a combination of our refined coach and the man who unraveled for me a short time ago. “I admit that I was really nervous coming in here. Not just because of who you are to me but because Ihaven’tbeen with a man. You did everything right, so thank you for taking away my fear and leaving me with nothing but a positive experience.”
“There’s a lot about you and me that I think we’d have a ton of fun exploring,” I tell him. “As you pointed out, our professional relationship kind of puts a wrench into it. I want you to know that whatever happens after we leave this hotel is between us. We can lie to each other and say this doesn’t change anything because it can’t, yet I think we both know that’s a lie. Itdoeschange things. Doesn’t it?”
There it is. The first sign of discomfort and fear.
“You’re not listening,” I say, bringing his eyes to mine. “You’re reading between the lines and finding disastrous results. That’s not what’s going to happen. Everything hockey related isunchanged. You are my coach, and I will always do as you say as my coach.Thatdoesn’t change and never will. I willalwaysrespect you as my coach.”
Shively sags in relief.
“But that doesn’t mean something hasn’t shifted between us, does it?”
“No,” he agrees.
“I’m not saying it’s a good idea that we pursue something. As much as I dislike the words and the idea, it’s probably a better idea that we don’t. But maybe if we have a mutual itch we want to scratch from time to time, I’m down for that.”
Shively is not quite convinced. I can see the struggle in his eyes.
I touch his face gently, running my fingers along the barely there stubble on his jaw. It’s like petting a cat. He practically purrs. “No pressure, Shiv,” I assure him. “I’m telling you that if you need something, if youwantsomething, I’m not going to tell you no.”
This kind of forces him to acknowledge and act upon when he wants something, which I’m more or less relieving him of tonight.
“Okay,” he answers at last.
“I’m also very glad this has been a positive experience for you. I hope you take nothing but good feelings away from here when we leave.”
He smiles, and it’s a little shy. There’s something about a shy Shively that makes my chest tight. I’m reminded that he’s not just trusting me with his body tonight. There are things he’s opened up about that he’s also trusting me with.
