He’s not at all throwing me a line here. “Will you tell me about it? Nothing deeply personal, of course. Just… like…” What am I even asking here? “Highlights? Structure? How it works for you?”
Felton stares at me for a minute. “Okay. Well…” His eyes move to the television, and he’s silent for a long time.
“You don’t have to tell me anything if you’re uncomfortable,” I remind him.
He shakes his head. “No, it’s not that. I guess I don’t think about it much. So… I have an issue with making decisions. All decisions. Stupid ones like what I’m going to wear and what I’m going to eat. My therapist says it’s because I was raised in an environment where nothing I did, said, wore, ate, or liked was right.” He waves his hand in an etc. motion. “It didn’t matter if I wore the shirt my father bought me or ate what my mother handed me. Everything was always wrong. So, naturally, I grew into a place where I can’t make a decision because it’s always wrong.”
I scowl at him, but when he glances my way, I quickly clear my expression. I hate his family. I’ve never met them, but I fucking hate them. I hate that he lived like this for so damn long.
I hate that I never saw it and therefore didn’t know to try to help him break free from it.
“So Ren makes my decisions for me. All of them. When he thinks I need a voice in the decision, he doesn’t lay it out like I’m getting a choice in it. He explains, and we talk about different scenarios, then he takes what he learned from that and makes the decision for me.”
“That must be a big weight off your shoulders.”
He sighs. “It is. It helps that he keeps my father away. Therapy helps too. But most of all, it helps that someone lovesme just the way I am, you know?” His eyes meet mine, and there’s a soft flush on his cheeks. “I’m enough for him.”
I link my arm through his and rest my head on his shoulder. “I’m really glad.”
“Does that answer your question?”
“Not exactly, but I think that your lifestyle isn’t exactly what I’m interested in.”
“What do you mean?”
“You two naturally fall into roles that work for you, and while at its core, it is a dom/sub relationship with total exchange of power, it’s also just… you. It’s not about lifestyle at all. Do you call him anything other than his name?”
“Like… my love or something?”
I grin, picking up my head to look at him. “No. Like sir or master.”
“Oh.” His eyes go wide. “No.”
I laugh. “This is going to come across as maybe a little stereotypical, though I don’t mean it that way, but is your bedroom relationship just sex? Or is there bondage, paddles, choking… anything other than, well… sex?”
His eyebrows knit together. “Yes, but no. I…” He glances around the house as if someone is listening. “Ren arranges gang bangs for me,” he whispers, and not gonna lie, my eyes go wide. Holy fucking hell, that’s not what I was expecting. “And… CNC. Not with others but with him. We have codewords and stuff for that. It’s safe. I’m truly consenting even if I pretend not to be. It’s just?—”
“Hey,” I interrupt when I realize he’s trying to defend himself. “Take a breath, Fel. I’m not judging at all. That’s pretty cool.”
“Yeah?” he asks.
I nod. “Definitely cool.”
Felton takes a breath and gives me a smile. “Okay. Thanks.”
I lean into him again to give him some comfort. “Thanks for sharing with me. I appreciate it.”
“Was it helpful?”
“Yes, though not exactly what I’m looking for.” I look at him again, making sure he meets my eyes. “Not because I think it’s wrong or gross or anything like that, Fel. I truly think that’s awesome that he meets your needs like that.” I’m not wrong in guessing that they’re his opposed to Ren’s. The way he nods and smiles says as much. “I love your relationship. I love the connection you two have, and most of all, I love that you’re happy and healing.”
“It’s just not for you,” he guesses.
“Exactly.”
“What are you looking for? Can I ask that?”
“You can. I’m looking for something traditionally dom/sub but that’s specificallyus, you know? I understand it’s all customizable, but we’re going in blind, him more than me. As a dom, I should be the one guiding and teaching my sub, but I feel like I’m gaining all kinds of knowledge from books and articles and websites and… I’m missing something. I think I really need a person to talk to. Another dom.”
