Willits nudges my arm, and I meet his eyes. He’s shaking his head. “Honestly, pay attention. We’re keep away.”
I nod and shove thoughts of Shively aside. It’s frustrating that it’s not simply me obsessing over him. It’s a strange worry in my chest that says I’m not giving him everything he needs. Yes, he doesn’t know what he needs, but as his dom, I should still be able to provide it.
I’m failing.
No.
Taking a breath, I force myself to stop thinking about anything other than hockey. This is my job, and I’m going to be replaced if my skill slips. I love my job, and I want to keep my job. Athletes are never truly “fired” like in most other jobs. Our contracts just aren’t renewed. New contracts with a different team aren’t offered. In a way, we’re forced into retirement when teams stop wanting us.
I don’t want to be that person. I fought hard for a long fucking time to get where I am, and I’m not fucking this up. If this is my alternate reality where I’m just a hockey player and not trying to be a good dom, then I need to fully step out of that world.
Just like a story. Out of one world and into another.
Coach still yells at me three more times during practice because Ican’tstop thinking about the idea that I’m not doing this right. Which means I’m not doing two things right sinceI’m sucking at hockey today too. The moments I am focused, I do well, but by the time I’m in the locker room, I’m feeling frustrated with myself.
I ignore the others’ chatter as I strip down and try not to stomp to the showers. During practices, I usually keep my hair in a long braid outside of my helmet, which is why I have a practice helmet and a game helmet. When my hair is braided around my head like a halo, my helmet fits differently. I don’t bother during practice because I know my teammates aren’t going to pull my hair, accidentally or otherwise.
Standing under the hot water, I wait for the spray to soak to my scalp before letting my hair free from its pleats. Taking a deep breath, I bow my head and let the hot water rain over me.
I’m being stupid. This shouldn’t consume my thoughts.
“Dasan?”
My eyes blink open at Felton’s voice. It’s quiet and unsure. “Yeah, Fel?”
He’s standing right outside my stall, so I can see his shadow shift. “Are you okay?”
Smiling, I take a step forward and open the curtain a little so I can meet his eyes and let him see that I’m telling him the truth when I answer. My heart clenches slightly when I notice the concern on his face. “I promise I’m fine. I’m just distracted today.”
Felton wants to ask what I’m distracted by—I can see it in his eyes—but I think he holds back because of where we’re at. I’m confident this is the reason when his eyes flick to one of our teammates as they walk by.
“I’m good,” I assure him again. “It’s nothing to worry about. I’m just thinking too much.”
His eyebrows knit together, so I know I’m not doing a good job convincing him. “I’m not thinking about bad things, Fel. I’m thinking about good things, but I’m letting those things interferewith my concentration here. That’s all. I just need to focus better.”
I succeeded a little more this time. His forehead smooths out as he nods. “Okay.”
“Thanks for checking, though.” I squeeze his wrist and am rewarded with a smile.
“Sure. Sorry I asked when you’re in the shower.”
I snort. “How about you shower next to me and we can talk through the wall?”
That earns me a wide grin, and I can see the playfulness that Felton usually exudes twinkling in his eyes. “You’re on.”
He snaps my curtain closed, then I hear his feet on the tile. The shower stall next to me turns on. “Can you hear me?” Felton calls.
Grinning, I step back under the stream of water. “Loud and clear.”
“Cool. I suppose now isn’t a good time to talk gossip since I have to yell, huh?”
I chuckle. “No, probably not.”
“Talk gossip,” Marion interjects. “No one listens.”
Felton laughs. I smile at his laughter. For a while there—months—that laughter was missing entirely. I’m so damn relieved that it’s back though. It’s different now. Maybe more genuine. More authentically Felton.
There’s a lightness to Felton that’s only because of Ren. He’s no longer carrying so much ugly weight on his shoulders and is free to be who he is.
