We change positions again, and I feel the stretch in my back. I love that feeling. Not a painful stretch but enough that I can actually feel it.
“You’re ignoring us again,” Willits says when I don’t respond.
I laugh. “Sorry. I’ve hooked up with someone a couple times, and I’m waiting for them to give me some kind of indication of where they’re at.”
“That seems rather unlike you,” Felton says.
“No, wait. You didn’t hear that, did you, Fel? He was vaguely gender neutral, which I’m going to guess means he’s been hooking up with a guy.”
“What makes you say that?” Felton asks.
“Because he’s never been gender neutral before. He’s always said she.”
“Maybe this person is genderfluid. Or agender. Or transgender. Or?—”
“Okay, okay,” Willits says, interrupting Felton. “You’re right. Sorry.”
Shaking my head, I chuckle. “I didn’t realize I was being neutral. Yes, a guy. As far as I know, he/him pronouns since I’ve never been told otherwise.”
“Okay, cool. Now my observation. It’s very unlike you to let someone come to you when you’re interested in them,” Felton says.
I chew the inside of my lip as we adjust again. After a minute, I take a seat on my mat and drink some water. “This is a different situation.” Felton and Willits exchange a look, and I roll my eyes. “Are you familiar with dom/sub relationships?”
“Ohhh,” Willits says, grinning.
Felton beams. “That’s kind of what Ren and I have, though we don’t quite have that lifestyle.”
“That’s entirely contradictory,” Willits says, laughing.
“No. I mean, he sets rules and boundaries and makes decisions for me. He has expectations, and I answer to him. All of thatisa submissive role, with Ren being the dominant role. It’s just that we don’t really have honorifics and…” Felton tips hishead to the side. “I guess I just feel like it’s different, but maybe it’s not all that different.”
I pat his arm. “It is whatever you say it is. No one else gets to tell you about your own relationship.”
Felton smiles. “Tell us about your thing.”
I shake my head. “There’s really not a whole lot to tell. We fell into the beginnings of dom/sub structure from the start, and everything out of his mouth is very attentive to my needs and desires which means I don’t get a lot of what he actually wants outside of pleasing me. So I can’t just ask him if he wants to get together again because his answer is ‘I do if you want to’ which isn’t helpful. This can’t be just my decision.”
For various reasons, but not least of all, hockey. We’re risking a lot by fucking around, and if we decide to take a risk, itcan’tbe my decision alone.
I don’t share this, though.
“This may come across as insulting because it’s a trick used with children, but I have a suggestion—it helps me when something comes up that Ren thinks I need a voice in. Don’t give him something open-ended. Give him options to choose from, including ones that you don’t like the outcome of, such as you not getting together again.”
“That’s a good idea,” Willits says.
Felton smiles. It’s been in the last couple months that we’ve realized Felton needs affirmation from his friends sometimes too. Not just from Ren. Once I shared this with Willits, we made it a point to do so. It’s so humbling knowing that a man as big and intimidating as Felton can be so soft and fragile.
“It is a good idea,” I agree. “Thanks.”
“Not to get TMI, but like… he services you only?” Willits asks.
I grin. “No. Sometimes but not always. How familiar are you with the lifestyle?”
Willits shrugs. “Not incredibly. I’m aware in the sense that those words are familiar, and I have a basic understanding like how the dom is in charge of the sub.”
“It’s far more complicated than that, and I’m not going to pretend I’m an expert. I’ve never actually lived the lifestyle, but my interest has always moved in that direction. It just felt like it got in the way of hockey, and finding someone interested in the same thing isn’t easy. Anyway, as I was going to say... A lot of subs’ roles revolve around the devotion of serving their dom in whatever way they establish, fulfilling their needs, desires, fantasies, whatever. This isn’t a conversation we’ve had; it’s just a role that came naturally. We’ve only talked about body autonomy and saying no. Otherwise, it’s just been sex.”
“Do you tie him up?” Willits asks.
