My chest heaves as I storm down the road, not knowing where I’m going. I can’t see anything but a black haze as fury, indignation, and hurt swirl so thickly that I might choke.
I stop at the border between residential and public to lock up my phone. I close my eyes for a minute, taking deep breaths to get rid of the influx of turmoil.
I send a quick text to Lie, telling him I’m going to Deryke’s for a while, so I don’t have my phone on me. I also tell him not to go to Nason’s house right now. Probably not a good idea to go tonight at all.
He doesn’t answer since he’s at the bar without his phone, but at least he’ll know where I am. I lock up my phone and wander the beach until I come to the back of Deryke’s rented bungalow. He’s stayed in this exact one for the past few summers. I wonder if he took out a timeshare.
He’s sitting outside with a book and looks up as I approach. He smiles, but his smile falls away. “You look even more like shit than last week.”
“I decided two weeks of Nason ignoring me was long enough, so I thought confronting him about how he’s treating his son is unacceptable.”
“Big mistake?” Deryke asks.
I snort. “Not strong enough.”
He hands me a drink, untouched. “You need this more than I do.”
I laugh, though it’s not humorous at all. I take a long drink and then let my head fall back, closing my eyes. “I don’t know what to do,” I admit.
“I think there is only one choice.” I turn my head to look at him. “It is time to admit defeat and write Nason out of your life.”
“That’s easier said than done.”
“Yes,” Deryke agrees. “But what choice do you have? If Lie continues going home, he will continue being hurt. If you continue forcing him to talk, you will continue being hurt.”
“He’s Lie’s father,” I say.
“He is. But it sounds to me like he is not being a good father. The most difficult toxic people to cut from your life are those related to you. Or those so close they’re closer than relatives.”
“I don’t know how to live without Nason,” I admit, letting the tears sting my eyes. This time, without fighting them. I let the hurt of his words make my lower lip tremble. The fact that he said those things to me. I doubt he actually believes them, but that they left his mouth at all.
It hurts. It cuts so fucking deep.
“I’ve spent every single day for the last thirty years with this man by my side,” I say, voice cracking. “I don’t know… I don’t know how to live without him.”
Deryke grips my arm gently as I try to stop the tears that have unlocked. I’ve spent the last two weeks containing my own emotions to comfort Lie. I haven’t allowed myself time to fall apart. I hate that I need to. Nason doesn’t deserve my tears.
Deryke doesn’t speak for several minutes, letting me have my moment.
“Thanks,” I say and wipe my face.
“I think you need more time to feel,” he says. “Take it. I will read more.”
I nod, hanging my head. But I’m done crying. I’m done giving Nason that much real estate in my head and heart. He can’t take those words back. I won’t forgive him for saying them at all.
“I’m disgusted by him. The things he just said to me,” I shake my head, much more preferring the anger that clogs my chest. “They were… vile.”
“I can imagine.”
“Beyond that, I know he has no intention of reconciling with Lie. It’s like he’s compelled to act like an asshole. Like he’s been assigned this role and is determined to do it justice. But I can’t stand seeing Lie like that. Nason hurt me today. But Lie is his damn child. The one person in this world that Nason loved more than any damn thing. To see him treat Lie this way is just… It pisses me off the most because I can’t fix it. I can’t take this pain away from Lie. I feel so fucking helpless.”
“It must be hard,” Deryke agrees.
I nod, closing my eyes again. We don’t talk for a long time. My brain is once more so overloaded with thoughts and emotions that it feels blessedly blank. Deryke always has such a calm, quiet demeanor that being in his presence is like walkinginto a bubble where everything is peaceful. I’m thankful for that feeling right now.
I don’t know how to fix this, but I think I just came to a hard conclusion. There is no fixing this. At least, not by me or Lie. Nason has made that very clear. If there will ever be any reconciliation, it’s going to need to be initiated by Nason.
Even if that happens, and I don’t see that as a possibility, it’s already too late. There is no fix to this now. The damage is irreversible. Not just by Nason’s words and actions, but by mine and Lie’s. We’re not innocent in all this by any means.
