Questions ping-pong back and forth in my head, unable to settle on which person is more pressing right now. Arguably, Ishika is. But her situation is out of my hands entirely. All I can do is wait.
Julian is a different story. How do I work up the… courage isn’t the right word, is it? It feels like a lack of courage for being unable to say things that bother me. But lacking courage makes it sound like I’m a coward. Is this cowardice?
Either way, this is something I’ve struggled with my entire life. I’d rather let something sit inside and eat me up than have a conversation and let someone know that maybe something they said or did hurt me. Is there a word for that? Is it cowardice?
Navi drops into the chair beside me. “Shitty homecoming, huh?”
I huff. “Little bit.”
“Where’s your man?”
Those words don’t make me want to scream at all. “In Chicago,” I answer.
Navi nods. “He still have hockey?”
An easy out would be to say that he does. I’m not sure they could call me on my bluff because they not only don’t know hockey, but they don’t follow American hockey.
Lying doesn’t feel good though and I’m far too tired to keep any lies I might say right now straight. I shake my head. “No.”
Navi nods again. “He’s waiting for you to go back?”
Is he? I chew the inside of my lip and think about it. Honestly, all the hours between receiving my father’s phone call and stepping off the plane in L.A. are a blur. Did he speak to me at all? Most certainly. But what did we say?
I sigh heavily. “I don’t know. I don’t know anything at all about the circumstances around my leaving. I was… scared and could only think about getting here to Ishika.”
Navi grips my arm for a second. “I get that.”
I’m sure he does. I have no doubt that any of my family would disbelieve that I was entirely caught up in getting here, that I wasn’t paying attention to anything else. Including why Julian didn’t get on the plane with me.
“Have you talked to him?”
I nod. “Yep.” I lift my phone as if that’s proof. “We were texting before Mom and Dad brought us to see Ishika.”
“It must be late there,” Navi says.
I glance at my phone. It’s three in the morning in Chicago. I frown. Clicking the phone back on, I send him a text that doesn’t comment on his previous message at all, since I’m not sure where to go with that.
Me
Why are you up?
Maybe he’s not now. It’s been half an hour since his text. But his response is immediate. He’s still awake.
Julian White
I miss you and I can’t sleep.
Then why did you stay?
Of course, I don’t actually type that out. Why would I do that? Force a conversation that I may not want to hear? Right now seems like a really bad time for that. Absolutely the wrong place for it.
Me
I miss you too.
That’s the truth, anyway. He doesn’t respond, and I hope he’s fallen asleep. I click the screen off and look at Navi, who’s been watching our text exchange. His eyes meet mine after a minute, and his eyebrow raises in question.
I don’t know what his question is, though, so I don’t answer it. I probably wouldn’t want to answer it even if I knew what it was.
