That was an awesome goal! Almost magic.
Wow. Just… wow!
Mama
What was that shit? Did you see them go down like someone took a brook to their ankles!
I click the phone screen and stuff it back on the shelf just as Coach calls for me. I’m still fully geared up, but I hobble my way to the hall and follow him into the office.
“You had a very good game tonight,” Coach says as I take a seat. I feel like my knees are in my chest because of my blades.
“Thanks.”
Coach shuts the door and then leans against the edge of his desk to look at me. “You’ve been spending a lot of time with Patrik. Do you have aspirations for defense?”
I start to answer, but stop. There’s no good way to answer this. Almost any way that forms in my head sounds like I’m either throwing my team under the bus or making myself out to be a saint, as if I haven’t also had the same sucky season as everyone else on this team.
I think Coach understands my dilemma because he smiles. “Speak freely.”
Sighing, I say, “This isn’t a dig at anyone.” Coach inclines his head. “I saw a hole, and I was filling it.”
“A hole in defense,” Coach clarifies.
Again, I hesitate. “I think we’re Swiss cheese right now.”
Coach laughs.
“I’m going to say this, and please understand, I’m not blaming anyone. I realized a couple of months ago that it feels like we’re all playing separate games. Sometimes it feels like we’re playing different games entirely. I’m one person and I’m not the coach. I can’t make everyone get on the same page as me. Maybe I’m the one in the wrong book. Either way, without teamwork, I asked myself whatIcould do. I decided that when I’m in our zone and Patrik needs more support so I’d focus my energy there.” I shrug.
“I’ve noticed your shift, especially in the last couple of weeks,” Coach says. “You’ve not only managed the highest number of goals this season on this team, but I think you’re up there with the number of saves, aside from Patrik.”
“They’re in their heads,” I tell Coach. “It’s been a rough season, and I think everyone feels defeated before we step foot on the ice.”
“I agree.”
“I can’t control everyone else. I’m not even going to waste my energy trying to convince them. I decided to focus on what’s in my control and that’s how I can contribute better to the team.”
“That’s very admirable.”
“Thanks,” I say, though I’m not looking for admiration. I just want the season to be over so everyone can focus on pulling themselves out of their personal black holes and we can try again next year.
“You have the makings of a good captain,” Coach says.
Okay, I’veneverbeen told that before. I’m not even sure how I feel about it.
“The only reason you’re not is reflected in a lot of what you just told me. You concentrate on your game and don’t try to get everyone on the same page. Part of being captain is also like being a coach. I like your mentality. I like your versatility. I love how you’re an example and not just spewing about what everyone else can do better. Your assisting in goals and your constant passing is proof that youarea team player.”
I’m not sure where he’s going with this. “Thanks?”
Coach breaks out into a wide smile, chuckling. “I’m saying you’re doing very, very well, Julian. This wasn’t one of the worst games we’ve played this year by far and you, a single player, were a large part of that. If we could get even two or three more of your teammates to have your same frame of mind, we’d be the team to beat.”
I nod, still unsure what he’s getting at here. “With all due respect, Coach, I’m not sure what you’re trying to say, and I’m equally not sure I have what it takes to be a good captain. It takes a certain kind of personality to captain and I’m not confidentthat I exemplify it.” When he sees me hesitate with my thoughts again, Coach gestures for me to continue. “I don’t think I’d be respected as captain,” I admit.
Coach frowns. “I believe the team respects you, Julian. What makes you feel otherwise?”
I bite my tongue for a minute, wondering if this is going to be a waste of my time. “I’m a Black man on an all-white team. There are very few places where you’re going to find a group of white men willing to follow the lead of a Black man, especially on a white-dominant team.”
“Ah,” Coach says. “I see. There aren’t a lot of Black men in hockey at all.”
