“Yep. Brothers, Alok and Anil. And Jash. I actually get them on video calls all the time and we watch your games together.”
That makes me smile. I pull back to look at his face. “You do?”
He nods. “I miss them. I like how we can share the experience of learning hockey together. And in a way, I’m alsosharing you with them. They’re getting to know you through hockey. Well, and me.”
“That’s great. I love that.”
Arush’s smile is small. I lean in and press my lips to his. He sighs. The arm around my shoulders tightens, pulling me closer.
We kiss for a while and I take a lot of comfort in knowing that even this act of intimacy isn’t going to lead to pressure into having sex. It’s such a relief knowing that hedoesn’twant me like that. A weight off my shoulders. It makes everything we share feel so much deeper. So much more in tune and in line.
“What are we going to do today?” Arush asks. “Do you have practice?”
I shake my head. “I think I’m going to head to the gym for a bit this morning. I feel better when I’m able to work out a bit every day. There’s this ingrained fear that if I miss a day, I’m going to suddenly lose a bunch of strength or skill or something and be replaced.”
Arush makes a face. “That’s a lot of stress.”
“Meh. I’ve learned to enjoy exercise, so it’s routine at this point. But I don’t have plans for after. Is there something you want to do?”
He thinks about it and shrugs. “I don’t know. If it’s nice out, then I wouldn’t mind a walk.”
“We can do that.”
“Then let’s go,” Arush says, pressing his lips to mine. “Go to the gym.”
Grinning, I sit up. “You want to come with me?”
“To the gym?” he asks, eyebrows knit together.
I grip his biceps playfully. “I’m a little confused about your confusion, since your arms suggest that you at least lifted weights for a while at some point.”
Arush gives me a grin that sends shivers down my spine. I’m not quite sure how to read it. He’s pleased with my assessment, though. “You like that?”
“As it turns out,” I say as I turn my back on him and slide from the bed, “yes. I like being held in your arms and feeling that you’re as big as, if not bigger than, me.”
I catch his grin lingering as I disappear into the bathroom. Arush is an attractive man. I remember being a teenager and being ridiculously confused about my sexuality. Not so much that I’ve had crushes on guys. That was easy enough to understand. Plain and simple, I swung both ways, and I was okay with that.
The part that confused me is that I could identify if someone was attractive. Physically, aesthetically, personally, even sexually appealing. However, it did nothing for me. It’s like… I could appreciate and even find attraction toward other people. The thought of sex can be incredibly hot. I’m not even opposed to watching porn.
But any kind of sexual activities involvingmeleave me feeling uncomfortable. If I force myself into the acts or lead up to them, I can feel sick to my stomach and gross in my own skin.
Growing up with this kind of conflict running through my head made my teenage years incredibly confusing and difficult. I was seventeen when I found the term asexual. The first time I read the definition, it felt like coming home, and yet, I was still confused because I’m not sex-repulsed at the idea or even watching sex.
I love a beautiful body. I love to admire body parts. I actually enjoy sexy images and whatever. There are days when I can get lost in the thought of sex, especially when something new comes up, like the first time I learned what a cock ring was.
But that appeal evaporates when I’m part of the equation at all. I don’t even like to be hard. Like, ever. I hate the feeling.It might be the negative connotation that’s now associated with it from all the times I’ve been made to feel guilted or bribed or maybe even forced hard. But yeah, sex is not for me.
I’m not comfortable in my skin. I’m confident in my sexuality. Ienjoybeing told I’m attractive and having people attracted to me. Likewise, I can appreciate an attractive person too. Plain and simple, I just don’t want any part of sex.
The kind of freedom I feel with Arush is exhilarating. The feeling of coming home. Offinally. There’s a part of me that thinks he’s literally the only person who would fit so seamlessly and effortlessly into my life as he does.
I meet him in the kitchen. He has water bottles from the cabinet and is filling them up with water from the fridge. His eyes meet mine and once again, I see his shy smile. His eyes flicker to the counter, where he’s left out a banana for me.
He’s already learned my habits. I typically eat a piece of fruit before the gym and leave with water. Come back and have a protein shake, nursing that until I’m in the mood for something more substantial to eat.
Without comment, I take the banana and finish it in three bites. Arush hands me my bottle of water. “Thank you,” I tell him.
He smiles, inclining his head, and together we head down to the gym.
