My eyes get stuck on the monolog clock on the wall, staring at the second hand as it slowly makes revolution after revolution. With each spin, the strange guilt in my chest that I can’t fully grasp becomes more and more numb. The static noise in my brain fades. The image of Arush hovering in my peripheral vision becomes clearer and clearer.
It’s so crisp at one point, I look to my right, where he last worked out with me. Right at my side. Where I was once so convinced he’d always be.
We were meant to be together. I’m positive I didn’t make that up. I’m so damn sure that he feels that, too. So why is everything weird right now? Why am I so convinced that I’ll never see him again?
The door opens, and my focus on the clock breaks as James and Tobias enter the gym.
“Heyyy,” James says.
“Eleven!” they exclaim together.
Most days, it doesn’t fail to make me smile. Today, though, I’m not feeling it, but I try as they approach to exchange fist bumps.
“Four,” I greet.
“Where’s your roommate?” Tobias asks, examining the treadmill beside me as if Arush is under an invisible cloak or something.
“In India. There was a family emergency.” I’ve gone over my options for when someone asks where he is, and that seems to be the most generic answer while still being the truth.
“Aw, man,” James says. “Everything okay?”
I nod. “I think it’s getting better, but there’s still a long road ahead.” He told me his sister is still fighting her internal injuries, but she’s defying the doctors’ prognoses of an untimely death. She should’ve died from her wounds, but she’s still alive. That had been a voice memo from him. I think he sent it so I could hear the mocking in his words.
It’s the only voice memo he’s sent and while the words themselves are not exactly a love letter, it’s his voice and I listen to it constantly. Especially since there’s the beginning of a snort-laughter before it cuts off.
“Is he coming back?” James asks.
When I put him on the plane, I would have said yes. I would have said yes in the following twenty-four hours when he was there with his sister and family. I want to say yes now, but thetightness in my chest leaves me struggling for a breath because… I’m not as convinced of that. Every hour apart feels like the mountain between us grows and grows. How long before I’m no longer able to scale it to reach him?
“I don’t know,” I admit.
“Aw. Sorry, man. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to have lost your roommate,” James says.
I glance at him in time to see Tobias wrap an arm around James’ shoulders, and they exchange probably the most convincing look of lovers that I’ve seen them share before. I think the entire building speculates that ‘roommate’ is a code word. It’s the hetero-accepted reason for two grown men to be living together.
If Ellie is any judge of character and situation—and she often is—they’re hiding a romance the likes of Romeo and Juliet without the tragedy and death.
Thankfully, they drop the topic of Arush, and I lose myself running on the treadmill until my water is gone. I rarely notice taking sips of water as I work out. It happens as naturally as breathing. It isn’t until I’m sucking air that I register having gone through my water.
Today, that’s the sign that I’m finished. I wave at Tobias and James on my way out and head upstairs. I take the stairs today to prolong my workout. Nothing wrong with a little step aerobics. And also because there’s no phantom of Arush there.
That brief reprieve disappears once I step into the eleventh-floor hall, and then I practically feel him everywhere once I step into my apartment. With a heavy sigh, I head for my bathroom to take a shower and let the sweat wash down the drain.
Clean and pretending to be refreshed, I make myself a protein shake and take it onto the balcony. The weather has finally turned consistently nice. As I take a seat in one of the chairs, I glance up at the sky. There’s a chill in the air as rainclouds move in overhead. I feel a drop on my cheek. It’s a big enough drop that it runs down my skin before dropping onto my hoodie.
Is that a sign that I can just have a good cry and be done with it? Is someone giving me a sign that… that what?
I sit there for a while, drinking down my shake, as I watch the world turn ground and flowery around me. Even with the occasional rain droplets, the world outside my condo looks filled with growing, blossoming life. There’s a happy, renewed vibe in the city that comes with spring. People who have been cooped up for months are stepping outside to enjoy the sun.
The sun is only barely peeking through the rain clouds, but hey, at least it’s trying.
I’m startled when Skylar’s head pops up over the privacy wall separating our balconies. She flashes me a huge grin, loving that she scared me.
“Hey, frulian. What’s up?”
I raise my shake. “Feeding my muscles. You?”
She shrugs. “Taking a break from trying to create a wormhole.”
