Finally,finally, he’s pushing his cockhead against me as I wrap my limbs around him. Gripping him tightly to me and letting all the things he just said about me run through my head on repeat, trying to believe them. Attempting to convince myself that he means them.
This time we alternate between slow and quick as we roll around. Our mouths rarely leave each other as we fuck. We don’t stop groping, touching, memorizing. It’s magic. Everything about it is better than I’d ever dreamed I’d experience in my life.
And it’s here. It’s mine.
I’m not sure how to keep it, but I really hope I can get my shit together, so I do. He might think he’s not worthy of the kind of love Jessica gives, but I think he’s wrong. Maybe Jessica is just the wrong person to give it to him.
Maybe I can be the right person.
CHAPTER 26
HANSLEY
From the first instant that I gain consciousness in the morning, a brief flash of dread jolts through me when I feel a body against mine.What have I done?But when I open my eyes and realize I’m in the hotel room, last night comes back and I relax with a smile.
It’s not that being in bed with Jessica was awful. Far from it. It’s that I know what kind of mixed message that would send, and I don’t want to do that.
Last night was… amazing. Surprising. We woke up sometime around three and fucked again. It was erotic—half asleep and filled with so much heat, I almost felt like I was living in a different time. A different world.
I press my lips to the top of Lemon’s head and wonder which Lemon I’m going to wake up to this morning. Is he going to be a dick and run? Will he be shy? Maybe the sassy man who walked in wearing a skin tight piece of fabric that I will dream about for a very long time.
My eyes droop and I doze for a while longer, my fingers running absently through his hair. I love his curls. They’re just long enough that I can get one to wrap around my finger. As if it’s hanging on.
I know he’s awake when he takes a deep breath. His eyelashes flutter and then his eyes open. He’s facing me and the windows, the curtains are half drawn with the overcast morning light streaming in. Lemon shifts, craning his neck to look at me.
For a second, we just stare into each other’s eyes. Maybe we’re both holding our breath. This is new territory for both of us. Not only was this the first time we actually fucked in a bed and not somewhere on campus, but we also spent the night together.
Lemon crawls up my body and presses his face into my neck, half draping over me. I roll us to our sides and wrap around him. “Good morning,” I murmur, pressing a kiss to his jaw.
He sighs. “Morning,” he whispers in return.
That’s the extent of our conversation first thing this morning. Instead, we lay wrapped in each other for a while, just breathing in our combined musk, sweat, and sex.
“What time do you leave?” I ask.
“Ten. You?”
“Not until noon.”
A beat passes. “Can I ask you something?” Lemon says.
I nod.
“What happens when we get back?” he asks quietly, then quickly adds, “There’s no pressure here. I mean, I want to keep doing this, but I know you’re going through… stuff, and I don’t want to add more to your stress.”
“Lemon,” I murmur and feel him stiffen. I strengthen my hold on him, pressing my lips to his collarbone. “I do too. But please understand that I can’t promise you a lot right now. The last thing I want to do is flaunt a relationship in front of Jessica. She doesn’t deserve that kind of hurt. As much as I’d like to say this divorce is going to be easy and quick, I have a feeling it’s not going to be either, though for different reasons than usual.”
He nods. “I, uh,” he pauses for a second. “Please don’t let me be an ass to you anymore,” he murmurs. “I’m so used to rejection that I think I create that environment because I’m scared. I think my insecurity manifests in dick mode in an attempt to protect myself. If no one gets close, then I can’t get hurt.”
His words break my heart. I’m not surprised that’s the case, though. Especially not in hindsight. He’s good to his students. Really good to them. But no one else is allowed to get close. He knows his players are temporary and they will leave within a specified window of time. Everyone else is more permanent and from what I’ve heard from others when they’ve talked about him, he doesn’t allow anyone in.
“That sounds lonely, Lemon.”
He huffs.
“I once read something that says all those who offer words of comfort that follow the thought ‘it’s their loss’ are very wrong. Those relationships end because they weren’t meant to be. It’s no one’s loss. You just weren’t right for each other. I have always chosen to believe that. But Lem, not all relationships need to end in rejection. Believe it or not, a lot of people on campus care about you, but they’re not willing to remain in your presence because you’re a little mean.”
Lemon snorts. “I’m not sure I believe that.”
