My eyes widen, mouth forming an O. “What?”
Hansley laughs. “Right?! That’s what I said. She can’t be serious. I’ve been having an affair for two months and she doesn’t care. I mean, of course, she cares… But she doesn’t think that’s enough of a reason to get a divorce. She loves me.” I can hear the bitterness in his words and I’m not sure where it’s directed.
Honestly, I’m at a complete loss here. There haven’t been many times in my life when I’m left speechless, but right nowis definitely one of them. I’m not sure what to say. Which is probably fine because I don’t think he needs me to say anything. Maybe he just needs to get it off his chest. To say it in the open. I’m really touched that he chose me to talk to about it.
He gives a heavy sigh and finally opens his eyes to look at me. He looks open and vulnerable. I can see the misery in his eyes.
“I don’t want to stay married to her, but how the hell am I going to keep telling her I need a divorce when I know it’s going to hurt her over and over again?”
“She doesn’t care?” I ask, still befuddled.
He chuckles. Not in a haha funny way, but bitterly. “Yeah. She said it was fine if I kept a side piece.”
My eyes widen and I immediately become indignant. “I amnota side piece!”
Hansley laughs. He grips my arm and brings me down so that I’m sprawled slightly on top of him and beside him. I feel his movement under me and then I hear the squelchysplatthat tells me he dropped the condom on the floor before rolling us onto our sides so we’re facing each other. “You’re not,” he confirms. His fingers move up my chest, over my shoulder, and along my neck. He plays with my curls as he stares at me. “I told her as much. When I tell you she’s suggested everything under the sun that results in us staying married and including you, I mean it.”
“This is going to sound… mean, and I promise I don’t mean it that way, but why? Is she afraid to be alone? Afraid of what the world will say? Afraid of change?”
His smile is sad. “No. No other reason except that she loves me.”
I stare into his eyes wondering if that’s the real reason or if that’s just the one she tells him. “I’ve never known love like that,” I murmur.
His lips curl a little. “She’s an amazing woman,” he says. “The absolute best person I’ve ever known. Jess is kind and loving,thoughtful, charitable, sweet. So damn beautiful—both inside and out—it brings tears to my eyes. She’s just…good.Once, I thought we were the perfect couple. I thought there was no better place to be than in her love. So many times, I thought how lucky I am that she turned her radiant love and devotion to me.”
I swallow the lump in my throat because I will never be that person. I’m nothing like her.
“At some point over the last couple months, I realized that perfect love is not where I thrive. It’s not where I belong. I need something messy and passionate, something with loud feelings and… suspense? I need drama.Notthis kind of drama but?—”
He pauses and I can see the frustration in him as he tries to put into words what he’s feeling. Eventually, he gives up and sighs, closing his eyes. “I guess my point is, at some point over the last couple months, we just became incompatible. Couples are supposed to grow together. To face challenges together and enter each new chapter together. We didn’t. We grew separately.”
“She doesn’t accept that?” I ask.
Hansley sighs again. “She’s hurt, so she’s not thinking clearly. Although I shouldn’t be entirely surprised by her response because that’s the kind of person she is. She forgives when she shouldn’t. She loves with her entire soul.”
“I think she sounds like an angel,” I say. “She’s too pure to exist in this world.”
I’m surprised by his wide smile. He opens his eyes to look at me. “Exactly. I agree. And for a while, I lived in the shine of her halo.”
“It’s awfully bright there, isn’t it?”
Hansley laughs. “There’s nothing I don’t like about Jess. Nothing I’d change. But the issue is thatI’vechanged and I no longer belong there. I don’t want to be there, which is heartless and cruel and just… unforgivable. She refuses to see it that way.”
“How does she see it?”
“That I have too much love to give to just her.”
My eyes widen. “I…”
He nods. “Yep. That was exactly my response. Speechless. I had exactly zero retort and then I had to get off the phone for hockey and I’m sure she’s now thinking that maybe we’ve stepped forwardtogether,but no, that’s not what’s happening.”
What’s happening is that I showed up at his hotel door and climbed onto his cock. I’m a terrible person.
“I should have called her after the game and set her straight, but it’s exhausting. Which is so stupidly inconsiderate of me because she really is the sole victim in this and I should have balls enough to actually fucking talk to her. To keep repeating it until she understands and accepts it. But fuck, I can’t stand to hurt her like this. I can’t keep listening to her cry, knowing that I’m the one who made her feel like that and there’s nothing I can do to make us both happy right now.”
The arm that he’s laying on slides under me and he pulls me to his chest. I wrap around him, taking this as the request for a hug I think it is. His other hand still plays in my hair, messing with my curls.
We lay there for a while.
