“But really, Lemon. Icansay no. I just… don’t want to. Which is obviously an issue when you’re married.”
He leans his head back again and closes his eyes. I’m not sure what to say now. So I just stare at him. Hedoesn’twant to. Not didn’t. Like past tense. Does that mean it’s still going to happen? My heart is racing at the thought. “I um…”
My words hang there until he picks his head up. “Want another hug?” I ask, feeling pathetic.
Hansley nods. “Yeah. I think I do.”
Happily, I wrap around him again and his arms circle my waist. It’s not a tight hug like last time. There’s something better about this one, though. I can feel his need, his sadness, his misery. He’s trusting me with it. Allowing me to comfort him when maybe he feels like he doesn’t deserve that comfort.
“Is she okay?” I ask after a minute.
He huffs. “No.”
I wince. “Can I do anything?”
I feel his smile as he turns it into my neck. It’s hard to stifle the shiver that his lips on my skin create, but now is definitely not the time. “No,” he whispers. “But thank you.”
“I just… I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing, Lemon. I participated in everything, fully aware that I’m married. I didn’t know how to tell her when I really should have weeks ago.”
“When I kissed you.”
He tilts his head from side to side. “Yes, but when you sucked me off is what I’m referring to, mostly. I’m not minimizing kissing as a form of cheating but… you took me off guard twice and Icanlegitimately say I was confused about the whole thing. Even if I pulled you to me and whatever. Again, not excusing it, but if that had been it and I had actually said no after that, I think maybe things would be different right now.”
It's on the tip of my tongue to tell him I’m glad it didn’t go differently, but that’s not only insensitive, it’s also gross to say right now. I feel gross just thinking the words. What’s wrong with me?!
“But as soon as your mouth touched my dick? Yeah. That’s a line that I jumped over and… everything changed inside me then.”
“How? You realized you like men?”
Hansley laughs. “No. Sexuality has never been a concern of mine. I’ve always been of the impression that you should fall in love with a person and what’s in their pants is irrelevant. I’m actually a little relieved that as a person, I live that way and it’s not just a philosophy I spew.”
“You’re telling me it’s my winning personality that drew you in?” I deadpan. “Are you really leading with that?”
He laughs again and my heart skips. I’ve never heard him laugh like this. Not with me.
“No. I’m sure you have a wonderful personality, Lemon.”
I roll my eyes, but I abort it halfway through when his arms flex around me.
“No. What I’m sayingin this particular incidentis that your gender was irrelevant. I wasn’t intrigued by your kiss because you’re a man. Or with your mouth on me because you’re a man. Hell, even putting my dick in you is somewhat irrelevant. Believe it or not, women have mouths and ass holes too.”
This time I laugh.
“On some level, it reallywasyour personality. You confused me. I couldn’t understand why you shot hate at me and then kissed me in the same breath. Over and over. I was further confused when I watched you on the field with your team that day because I saw a very different person in you. Every single encounter with you, Lemon, I’m more confused about who you are as a personfor realand I’m infinitely fascinated. So yeah, the sex is great. I want to keep doing that. But it truly is your personality that influences a lot of my attraction to you.”
I’m not sure which of his statements makes me more breathless. Almost every sentence unpacks something else that makes my chest warm and tight. I grip him hard and squeeze my eyes closed.
I want to tell him he’s a good person. Literally, no one treats me the way he does. Even if it was confusion that made him tolerate me in the beginning, he kept coming back when he didn’t believe the hate I threw at him. Despite my many belligerent confrontations, he didn’t treat me like everyone else and just… disappear.
Hansley didn’t write me off as a spoiled asshole and wash his hands of me.
In some ways, even though I always set up our meetings or made him come to me, he kept coming back.
“I forget that hugs can be healing,” Hansley murmurs. “Thank you. I didn’t realize how much I need this.”
“It’s okay to ask for a hug,” I tell him. “That’s what I tell my kids. You need to know your own mental health and emotional needs and be strong enough to ask for what you need.”
