Staying with Jessica will only prolong the inevitable. I’ll only continue to hurt her. I don’t know if I don’t have the strength, will, or want to say no to Lemon. Maybe it’s a combination of all three.
There’s only one thing I know for sure. I’m done hurting Jessica—the single person in this situation who doesn’t deserve it.
“I’m sorry, Jess. I’m so, so sorry.”
“I know, I believe you,” she says. “I just don’t understand why.” She hiccups. “Why we can’t—” Another hiccup and a breathless sob as she struggles to get the words out.
I take a breath to cut her off before she gets a chance to try again. “Because I’m not going to stop fucking him,” I whisper, inwardly retching at how I know that’s going to tear at her. My chest is tight and my stomach is so sour there’s a good chance I’m going to vomit after this.
Sure enough, she cries a little harder.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I’m sorry, and I know it sounds like I’m just apologizing because I should when I don’t intend to change what I’m doing, but Jess, I am so, so,sosorry.”
She nods. Of course, she believes me. I bet she even forgives me too. Because that’s the kind of person Jessica is. Far too good.
Minutes pass. Many, many minutes. I force myself to stay right here and let her take whatever comfort from me she wants. No matter how difficult it is for me.
“What are we going to do?” Jessica whispers. Her tears have stopped, I think, though she hasn’t picked her head up.
“I’m going to move out,” I tell her. “You can keep the house if you want to. No need to buy me out or anything. On any of our properties. You can have whatever you want. But we should file for a divorce. Soon.”
“Because you want to get away?”
She sounds so small. So hurt.
“No,” I insist. Well, kind of. But there’s no way I’m telling her that. “Because you need better than I’m able to give you.”
“Are you going to move in with him?”
I huff in laughter. Not real laughter because there’s nothing about this that’s funny. “No, Jess. It’s not like that.”
“You’re not going to be with him. Just… just fuck him.”
I wince. “I don’t have any answers for that. But I’m not ending our marriage to be with someone else. That’s not saying that we won’t get together. I’m just telling you right now that I’m not leaving you to be with someone else. This isn’t a trade in.”
“Oh.”
I kiss the side of her head and take a step back. She’s so beautiful. Even tear-stained. Wrecked. She’s the most stunning person I’ve ever met.
“I’m sorry.”
I want to tell her I love her because I do. I love her so much. But I don’t want to mislead her or give her mixed signals. Especially since even the love I have for her feels different now.
So I don’t tell her.
CHAPTER 21
LEMON
For the first time in my life, I watched a hockey game yesterday. I did so at home where no one could see me googling what the hell was going on. Even by the end I had no idea what was happening, but I was on the edge of my couch cushion yelling at the ref when he sent one of Hansley’s players into time-out.
Thankfully, I was completely alone. Where no one could see how far I’d fallen. Watching hockey. Pfft!
They won their first game of the season and I was pretty sure something was wrong with me because I was fucking grinning like a fool when they did. I jumped up and punched the air before doing a little dance.
Then sat my ass back down, mortified.
Fucking hell.
