I grin. “No. I don’t evencarethat he’s a guy. Honestly, I don’t know what I really want to know. I just feel… a little confused, but I’m not sure what about. I’m cool with his dick. I know how sex works between guys. That I’m interested in a guy—even one—must mean I’m bisexual to some extent, right? I’m not even questioning my interest in him at all. I guess… it’s not about him or us. It’s about me.”
“What about you?” Atty asks.
“Like… the marriage thing. I just don’t understand its purpose. In the barbaric days, it was about ownership and advancing your class. But why now? Supposedly we’re more evolved than that as a culture, but it still feels like a very barbaric practice. And kids… The whole concept of kids horrifies me, which I know is stemming from my childhood, but like… couples are supposed to compromise. How do I compromise on these things?”
“First, kids aren’t something you can really compromise on. Not as a parent. If you bring a child into this world, you need to be able to commit completely. Dedicate yourself to them entirely.”
I shake my head. “I’m far too selfish for that.”
“No, you’re not, Hugo. In fact, it’s really, really great that you know you don’t want kids. Because youknowthis about yourself and that’s huge. There are some things in life you shouldn’t be fluid on, especially when it’s concerning another life which will be solely dependent on you for at least two decades. That’s a really mature thing to know, Hugo. As for marriage…” Atty shrugs.
“Marriageissomething you can compromise on,” Toby says and we both turn to look at him. “It doesn’t mean anything to you. Honestly, when you put it the way you just explained, I can even understand why it doesn’t. It doesn’t signify anything, and that’s okay. But if it means something to the person you love, you can still offer them that as a gesture of your love. Because in that case, it’s for them. You’re doing it for them, as the person you love and want to spend your life with. My love for Atty isn’t contingent on our marriage. I love him and I want to spend my life with him. I want to give him everything—including the wedding of his dreams. Even if the wedding itself or being married meant nothing to me, I’d still have given him the wedding he’s always wanted. Atty wants a fairy tale and I’m determined to give him that.”
“Oh.” I hadn’t thought about it that way. While they make googly lovey eyes at each other, I think about what Toby said. It’s an expensive gesture of love, but… if I loved someone so much to want to spend my life with them, I could do that. I would do that happily.
Torin’s smile dances in front of my eyes. His flushed cheeks. His beautiful, uniquely colored eyes. How happy he is whenever I dosomething small, like take him on a date. Or remember he has social anxiety and make sure our dates aren’t filled with people.
I would do a whole lot to show Torin he’s important to me.
“How do you know when you love someone?” I ask absently. I’m not sure the question was meant to be said out loud.
Atty laughs quietly. “Asking the tough questions today.”
I give him a smile in apology.
“There isn’t a single answer for that, either. I guess… when you make them your priority. Not necessarily consciously, but when it just becomes innate. Thinking about them often. Wanting to be with them all the time.”
“Feeling a little jealous sometimes. Even when it’s a stupid thing to be jealous about,” Toby adds.
Atty gives him an amused look.
“To follow up on our wedding discussion, that’s always a gesture to know you love them. You want to see that person happy and doing something just to make them happy, even when it means little to nothing to you personally, is a good indication that you love them,” Toby says.
“Wanting to make future plans with them,” Atty adds, nodding. “An intensifying attraction. Enjoying and maybe craving physical contact. Can be something as simple as cuddles or holding hands.”
“Smiling when you think about them,” Toby says.
A knock on the door interrupts us. Toby gets up from the table to answer. He returns a minute later with his hands filled with bags.
“Did you order for the team?” I ask, laughing.
“My hockey man eats a lot,” Toby teases.
Atty gives me a deadpan look. “This is a little TMI, but I burn just as many calories with my husband as I do playing hockey.”
I grin.
Toby hands me a take-out container and a spoon. I have no idea what I’m eating—noodles, meat, vegetables, sauce—but it smells divine and tastes even better.
For several minutes, we eat in silence while I think about what they’ve said. The things we’ve talked about. While I didn’t have a clear reason for coming here today, I feel a lot better. I feel like I have some answers to questions I wasn’t even sure I had.
“So,” Atty says and I glance up from my plate. “Are we going to pretend you’re not talking about Torin?”
I’m surprised and yet, I can feel the big smile spread across my face. “No. I just… didn’t realize I was being obvious, I guess.”
Atty chuckles. “Hugo, the astronauts on the international space station can see the way you look at that man. We’ve just been waiting for you to tell us.”
I slink back into the chair with a sigh. “Yes. Torin. He’s my boyfriend.”
