“I know. It won’t last forever.”
He’s quiet for a minute before saying, “I talked to Ethan and Jakub about their relationship before Jakub was traded here. Asked them how they made it work.”
When he doesn’t continue, I prompt him with, “And?”
Caulder yawns. “Just what we’re doing,” he says. He smiles, his lips brushing against my neck. “Lots of talking, open communication, sexy time on video.”
I chuckle.
“I asked them how it didn’t become too hard. How did they still love each other? Jakub said he fell in love with Ethan all over again constantly. He said that it started out really difficult, but after the first couple years, it wasn’t awful. But the last year he started in Edmonton was the worst. He said he’d started to resent hockey and he’d already been talking about retiring before he was traded to Buffalo so he could be with his husband.”
“Yeah?” I ask, wondering if I’m ready to retire yet.
Caulder nods. He yawns again and I’m about to tell him to go to sleep. We can finish talking in the morning. But he continues anyway.
“He said he just reached a point where he’d met all his career goals. He still loved hockey, but his love for the game wasn’t what it had been. He was ready to say goodbye to the sport and start his life with his husband. He said it felt like he’d be closing one book and starting a new one and that he was looking forward to it more and more. It was the right decision.”
“He didn’t need to retire when he got here, though,” I say.
Caulder hums. “No. But he’s considering it again. They want a baby and Jakub wants to be home full time for their kid.”
“That’s cool. I’m not sure I’d want to be a stay at home father.”
He shakes his head. A minute later, he picks his head up and looks at me. He’s so tired.
I brush his cheek and he leans his face into my touch. His skin is warm. His smile is soft. “I love you,” he says and my breath catches. “I hope we can figure out how to make long-distance not feel so… painful.”
“It’s more painful now because you need me here and I can’t always be here. Those are the times it’s going to be roughest, I think. I’m sure there will be a time when I need you, and hockey will become an obstacle more than a job. But we were doing really well. I think we’ll figure it out.”
His weight comes down on me again, and he rests his forehead against mine. Another sigh. “My newest fear is that maybe I’m not cut out for long-distance,” he whispers. “I want you. So damn bad, Lo. But what happens when I need you here or you need me there and… we can’t?”
“We’ll figure it out,” I tell him, my arm tight around his back with a hand still softly on his cheek, brushing my thumb over his cheekbone. “I know you’re wary of promises, but I’m not giving this up for anything. Wewillfigure it out.”
Caulder presses his lips to mine. I can feel his exhaustion. “I want to. I don’t plan to give up easily. I just… I’m afraid of loving you and then the world getting between us.”
“The world meaning hockey?”
“Yes. Hockey.”
“I’m not worried about hockey getting between us. Don’t get me wrong; I want to be here a whole lot more. I hate when a week goes by before I get to hold you. But I know it’s not forever.I know we can sneak a couple days here and there throughout the season. Realistically, until a couple lives together, that’s about how much they see each other, isn’t it?”
Caulder doesn’t answer for a minute. He may have fallen asleep. “Is it?”
I grin. “Yes. I think the idea of so many hundreds of miles between us makes it feel like a bigger mountain than it is. Wecando this. As long as we want to. As long as we don’t give up easily when the distance feels too heavy.”
I roll him over and he smiles up at me as I hover over him. I straddle his hips, planting my hands on either side of his face on the bed. “I love you too. I’ve known that for a while now, but you’ve been so emotionally drained by crazy pregnant lady that I didn’t want to add more to you in case you weren’t there yet. But I love you too. I’ve loved you my whole life and every life.”
His smile widens. “We just met, Lo.”
“Maybe we just met inthislifetime, but it’s been so easy between us from the very moment I stepped into that hotel room. You were nervous, but you relaxed as we talked. Our attraction was instant. I’m the very first person you told your secret to because youknewme, even if you didn’t know you did. I think you were mine in every life I’ve lived, Caulder.”
“I told you because you kept trying to pretend you were a girl,” he mutters, but I don’t miss the way his eyes look glassy.
“Our souls recognized each other,” I insist, bringing my body down to his so I can press my mouth to his soft lips. “Everything in me recognizes you.”
Caulder’s arms come around me again and he squeezes me tightly. We roll again so we’re on our sides, tangling our limbs and holding our naked bodies together so fiercely there’s a chance that we’ll fuse into one being.
“I don’t know if I believe in multiple lives, but I love that. I love that you feel that way. True or not, the idea that our souls have been looking for each other across lifetimes.”
