“Keep playing the recording,” Dari instructs.
My voice fills the room again. I can feel my brother and in-laws looking at me. Color drains from my face. It’s coming. The words are coming.
“Everyone has been quick to raise their pitchforks and blindly believe this woman. I get it—women choose the bear every time because of moments like this where they’re mistreated by men. But sometimes, men choose the bear too. I don’t know that woman. I’ve never seen her before in my life. Theonlytime and place I go out is to Sceptre here in Buffalo with my friends. I don’t go out when we’re on the roadexceptfor the night I joined some of the guys at the All-Star Games back in February in Florida. Any of my teammates will tell you that. My college teammates will tell you that. Going out isn’t my thing.”
I close my eyes. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. It’s coming.
“But the truth of the matter and what it really boils down to is simple; if I did go out, I wouldn’t touch a woman. I’ve never touched a woman. I’m gay. I’ve known I was gay since I was nine. There’s never been a moment of doubt, question—nothing. I’m gay. And I’veneverbeen with a woman.”
The room was already silent, but it feels like a blanket has fallen over us. All the little sounds of life have faded away as blood rushes in my ears. I’m going to be sick. I’m going to pass out. My brother, his husbands, my nieces and nephew are all staring at me as the next question fills the room.
“Why did you choose this moment to come out?” Elrod Barlowe asks. “You know what people are going to say—this seems like a convenient time to announce that you’re gay.”
I close my eyes as my words rush back to me.
“I chose to keep this to myself because sexuality isn’t a public matter. It doesn’t affect how I do my job and my private life shouldn’t be discussed anywhere. Frankly, it’s no one’s business who I love or what I do in my free time. The deciding factorto keep this to myself for as long as I have is simple—I don’t want to be a gay athlete. I want to be an athlete. My sexuality shouldn’t be added onto my occupation. There aren’t headlines or comments that lead in withStraight hockey player Caulder Hainesbut there are headlines that readGay hockey player Credence Ayrton. I don’t want to be constantly labeled by my sexuality. It’s not a factor in my career and it shouldn’t define me in any way. But I’m choosing to come out now because I think it’s important to make the distinction thatnot every accusation is true.”
“This isn’t going to put the argument to rest,” Elrod says.
“No. But a DNA test will. A court-ordered paternity test is being served to this woman today that will prove whoever got her pregnant just happened to look like me. I’ve already been to the clinic for my part.”
The interview continues, pausing every few minutes as Dari and Adrian make a comment about the impact of such a statement. On the interview and the message. One of the reasons I’ve always liked Sports Spot is because they’re neutral. They rarely give opinions on anything other than the sport they’re reporting on.
But both anchors agree with me. They agree that accusations are not facts. Regardless of how much the picture looks like me, there’s no evidence that the picture was taken at the club in question nor on the date in question. There’s no evidence of me being seen with this woman except her word.
The show goes to commercials. I wince, swaying on my feet. A beat passes and no one speaks. No one moves.
“Kids, go get a snack,” Orson says.
Silently, all three get up and leave the room.
I open my eyes and find myself facing my brother. Fuck. I’m going to be sick for real. I can taste it.
Luca crosses the room and wraps his arms around me. My breath punches out of my lungs and tears sting my eyes. He doesn’t speak for a minute.
“You’ve been carrying that for a long time,” he whispers. I nod. “Why didn’t you tell me, Caulder? You can’t possibly think I’m homophobic.”
Several of his husbands snort.
“I didn’t tell anyone,” I say quietly. “The reasons I kept it to myself are just as I said in the interview. If I’d told anyone at all, there was always the chance it could be broadcast before I was ready. Accidentally. Maliciously. Carelessly. Whatever. But it’s my choice when to tell people and I wanted to keep complete control of that decision.”
Luca sighs.
Orson wraps his arms around both of us a minute later. He may as well be my brother too. He’s been in my life for as long as I can remember. Always with Luca. Always a part of my family.
“We would have taken it to our grave, but we also completely understand and respect that,” Orson says. He rests his forehead on my temple.
“I guess I was ready.” Realizing in the moment that it’s the absolute truth, even though I’ve been so nervous, my stomach has been sour. “Things have changed in my life recently, and while it looks like this stupid woman is the reason I’m coming out now, it’s not. It’s just made me realize that I’m ready for other, more important reasons.”
“What reasons are they?” Luca asks.
“I, uh… have a boyfriend,” I admit and both men take a step back to look at me. “I think I love him. We’ve been talking about the future and… I don’t want to have to sneak around anymore. I don’t want to pretend we’re just friends when we travel or when we’re seen in public.”
Luca and Orson look at me incredulously. But it’s Zvi who speaks.
“Were you going to wait to introduce us at your wedding?”
I laugh because it’s almost exactly what Lo said all those weeks ago. It feels good to laugh. It feels good to tell them. To share this part of my life. Not the being gay thing. That doesn’t matter. I know, even to them, a gay household, it doesn’t matter.
