“I need you to look at it, Caulder.”
Sighing, I put him on speaker phone and tap through my phone until I get to my email. Bile rises in my stomach because… yeah, that fucking looks like me! It’s a dark, grainy photo, but it definitely looks like me dancing with some girl. Not the girl in the videos, but a girl.
Which is bogus because I rarely dance at all. And when I do get pulled onto the dance floor, my teammates bail me out quickly. I would not be dancinglike thatwith anyone!
“That’s not me,” I say, but my voice sounds weak. Because it looks like me. This is a fucking trip.
It’s on the tip of my tongue to blurt that I’m gay and I’d never touch a girl! I never have. I’ve danced with some, but I don’t touch them. I always ensure distance between myself and them. Because I don’twantto touch them, and I also don’t want to give them mixed signals where they can interpret that maybe I’m interested.
“Can I call you back?” I ask, feeling the panic rise in my voice.
“Yes. I’ll be here.”
As soon as the call is over, I hit the recall button on my tablet. My hand is shaking. Fuck—even I think this looks like me!
Lo answers and his smile falls right away. “What happened, babe?”
“I’m sending you a picture.”
I forward the email to him and wait as I watch him tap through his phone. He frowns. “Wow,” he says. “That’s either some mad photoshop skills or you have a doppelganger.”
“Do you think announcing I’m gay is going to help or hinder this?” I ask.
Lo looks up, frowning deeper. “Caulder…”
“I want it to go away. There’s apparently a test that you can do while pregnant and the lawyer is working on paperwork to demand she comply, but… I… I’ve never touched a woman. Ever! I’m fucking gay! I’ve never questioned that. I’ve never had a beard—metaphorically or literally. I’ve never tried to convince myself otherwise or experimented with women to be sure. I’m gay. I’ve always known I’m gay. I’m proud of who I am and I love dicks. You know, hypothetically I love dicks since I’ve only experienced yours, but I’m a fan.”
Lo laughs. “You’re adorable when you panic ramble.”
I sigh. “But really, will it help or not?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t know. That might be a question for someone like Rigo. Or your lawyer.”
“Will you stay on video while I call him? I… I’d really love if you were here right now so I can hide my face in your chest once I say the words out loud to a second person, but here on the video where I can see you is better than nothing.”
“Always, Caulder. I’m not going anywhere.”
His loudest promises are the ones when he doesn’t actually use the word promise. I can feel them, though. I feel them in the air around me.
I nod and dial Rigo again, putting it on speaker phone.
“Caulder.”
“Is this a private line?” I ask. “No one can hear us? It’s not recorded? No one can pick it up?”
“Yes, completely private.”
“I’m gay,” I blurt.
Lo’s eyes go wide and he bites his lip. Yep, I surprised us both by just saying it. By Rigo’s silence, he’s surprised too.
“I’m not just saying that. I’m really gay. I like guys. Only guys.” My eyes shift to Lo and he’s grinning at me. I can see his amusement in his eyes.
“Okay,” Rigo says after a minute.
“I’m… You’re one of two people who know that,” I continue. “For the record, I’m not ashamed or anything. I just don’t want to be a gay athlete. I want to be an athlete. Without my sexuality attached to it.”
“I understand. I have several gay athletes who are not out publicly.”
