CAULDER
The days fuckingdrag when there’s something you’re anxious about. My head and my chest are a fucking mess leading up to seeing Lo again. My gut is all twisted, which is making me more nervous because I don’t want to have any awkward, embarrassing accidents once I’m alone with him again.
Secretly, I’m fucking relieved that Lo took sex away. It released a lot of stress I didn’t realize I was holding on to.
But I’m still going out of my mind, wondering if maybe the chemistry between us will have changed since we were together last. Maybe we won’t feel so intensely about each other. Maybe that instant attraction will have faded with the distance and the passing of time.
The fear of that sits heavy on my shoulders.
We talk every day. Every waking hour we’re not with other people. We get sexy over video a lot, but I have not used the toy he sent me.
Yesterday, Lo told me that when we do have sex, I’ll be topping him. I’m not sure where that came from, but I have to guess it’s because he sees more in my fear than I put voice to. As soon as he said as much, everything in me relaxed a little more.
It seems ridiculous. I’ve had his fingers up my ass, and I definitely liked that. When I watch him fuck a toy in his ass, there’s a part of me that aches to feel it, too. Last time was so fucking intense, I was so hot that I seriously contemplated getting out the toy and see what I could do with it. My bodythrobbedfor it.
But fear stopped me.
I’m not even sure what about it frightens me. I’ve tried to figure it out, both on my own and talking to Lo. All I end up with is frustration because I’m not surewhyI’m afraid to try it. I’ve even toyed with the idea of trying on my own. When I’m not on the phone with Lo.
Which rarely happens. We sleep with our electronics plugged in, so the video stays running all night. Then I can wake up and look at his sleeping face.
I’ve never longed for something as badly as I’m pining for this man. There’s comfort in knowing he feels the same way. So then why is seeing him in person again making me feel sick to my stomach?
“You sure you’re okay?” Three asks, knocking his shoulder into mine.
We’re on the bus heading to the hotel. There’s a few hours before we need to leave for the game, and I’m about ready to lose my fucking mind.
“Yep,” I say.
“You look gray, man,” Asael comments. “Meddy. Come over here and be Daddy Doctor.”
I roll my eyes. “I’m fine.”
Meddy is already in the seat in front of me. I sigh as he leans over and presses his lips to my forehead. Bianca has done this to me too. Apparently, it’s more accurate than putting the back of your hand to someone’s forehead, though not accurate like a thermometer.
“You feel fine,” he tells me. “Need some ginger ale?”
“I appreciate your concern,” I say, looking at the half a dozen faces around me, watching me. “But I’m fine. Feeling a little car sick.”
It’s a lie. I don’t get car sick.
“Need throw up bag?” Sacha asks, holding up one of the vomit bags from the plane.
“Did you take that with you?” Three asks.
Sacha nods, shrugging. “He look sick. I’m prepared.”
I let my head fall, hiding the smile. “You’re all a bunch of mother hens. Thank you. Really. It’s really cool that you’re all looking out for me. I’ll feel better once we get off this damn bus.”
“Weather is hot,” Sacha says. “No cool air on your skin to make feel better.”
“But it’s fresh air,” I counter.
They don’t stop fussing over me until we park. I have half the team watching me as I step off the bus. Including Coach.
“You good, Haines?” Coach asks. “Need the doctor?”
“No. I swear, I’m fine. I’m just going to lay down for a while.”
