Our kissing is frantic. Sloppy. Hungry. I try to focus on that instead of what he’s doing down south. But when his dick is back and he’s pressing against my hole with purpose, I jerk my mouth away and push him a little to get his attention.
“Wait,” I say, breathless. “I can’t.”
“I have condoms,” Lo tells me, licking my jaw and nipping where he’d just run his tongue. But he’s already backed away. I don’t feel his dick or his fingers anymore.
I swallow and close my eyes. “I know. I just… I can’t.”
Lo stops kissing me and picks his head up. I can feel him looking. Studying my face. I can’t open my eyes, though. They feel like they’re sealed closed, and I want to sink through the bed.
“You want to top? I’m cool with that.”
Okay, now I open my eyes and look at him. He laughs at whatever expression he finds.
“All right. That’s not the problem. Sorry.”
I shake my head. “No, no. I just…” I take a deep breath and hold it, unsure how I’m going to get the words out. I feel like I’m burning up. “I haven’t… done this before.”
Lo stares at me and I almost read him trying to decode my words. Eventually, he asks, “What?”
Turning my face into his bicep, I close my eyes and force the words out. “I’ve never had sex before, and I don’t think I can do it now.”
Yep, I think I’m going to burn the first few layers of skin from my body with how hot I am. My stomach churns. Please don’t throw up! That’s not the tone I want this night to have.
“Caulder—”
“I’m sorry,” I interrupt, wanting to slink away. “I know I’ve kind of been leading you on and it’s really shitty of me to change my mind right now?—”
“Stop,” he says, and I flinch. Lo turns my face, forcing me to meet his eyes. “You canalwayssay no, Caulder. If someone ever makes you feel like that’s not okay, kick them in the nuts and leave. And then tell me who they are so I can send a hitman their way. That’s not okay.”
My stomach flutters. “No. That’s not what I meant. I mean, yes. Thank you. But I just… I feel really guilty that I?—”
His finger along my lips makes me pause. There’s the brief thought that he’d just had that finger in my ass, but the way he’s staring at me distracts me, and I catch my breath.
“Don’t feel guilty,” Lo whispers. “Yes, I want to fuck you. Or you can fuck me, I’m truly not picky in this scenario. But that doesn’t mean we have to. We can get off together any way you’re comfortable. I’mnotupset, and you don’t need to feel guilty.”
“I shouldn’t have?—”
He sighs and my words trail off. I’m surprised when he lays his body on top of mine and wraps his arms around me. My breath catches for a completely different reason this time.
“This is the hookup culture we live in,” he murmurs. “But you can say no for anything, Caulder.Don’tfeel guilty. You’re allowed to change your mind. Even mid fuck, you’re allowed tochange your mind. No means no, no matter what stage you’re at. A guilty yes is also a no. This is your body. No one has a right to make you feel like they have any claim on it.”
I close my eyes and wrap around him in return. God, I’m going to miss this. I’m going to miss everything, but I’m really going to miss hugs and cuddles.
But clearly I need to be a little clearer, though I appreciate what he’s assuring me of, all the same. It’s just not exactly relevant to what I’m struggling to get out.
“I don’t hook up,” I say quietly. “I, uh… I’ve never hooked up.”
“I meant any form of hooking up.”
Sighing, I say as casually as I possibly can while I’m burning off another layer of my epidermis, “I’ve never hooked up in any way. No one has ever touched me.”Until you.
I let the last two words hang in the air unsaid. Hopefully, that much is obvious. And I’m pretty confident I don’t need to say them out loud. Lo is silent as he lets that sink in. As he reads between the lines as I practically scream—I’M A COMPLETE VIRGIN!
“Fuck,” he murmurs. “So much makes more sense now.”
I flinch.
Once again, he lifts his head up to look at me and I wish he’d not. “Why did you agree to this?”
