“Don’t most of our decorations and lights come from China?” I ask.
Jin grins.
“Yes,” their father says. “Ironic, no?”
I nod.
“I mean, I kind of understand. Christianity has strangled out so many cultures over the centuries. Not just religious beliefs, but entire cultures have been modified by it. Often by force and death,” Jin says. “I haven’t studied much in religious philosophy or practice since university but more than anything, there’s been a single pattern through all Abrahamic religions and that’s the fact that their entire existence is to guilt, shame, and convince you into converting to their specific practice or you’ll spend eternity in whatever version of hell they believe in. Wars still happen because one religious sect wants to extinguish another.”
“What happened to love and peace? I thought that’s what they preach,” I say.
“Only if you’re already part of their specific belief system. Otherwise, you don’t get love and peace.”
We happen to be passing a church and I pause to look at it. There are the obvious decorations out front—a nativity. I stare at the scene for a minute and think about what Jin said. Not for the first time, I wonder why people can’t just live and let live. Why does everything have to be a competition for who’s right and wrong? Why can’t we just agree to believe what we choose? It doesn’t have to be your opinion. We don’t even have to talk about it.
Ren’s hand squeezes around mine, and I pull my attention away. I’ve never given much thought to religion. More times than not, I’ve run into those who say my sexuality is a sin and quite frankly, if that’s the case, I’m not sure why I’d join them. Why would I believe in a scripture that in one breath would have me believe that their god made me this way and everything he makes is perfect, and in the next they say I’m living in sin because he made me gay?
Why do they find it so hard to see the contradiction in that? Either they’re lying that their god makes everything perfect, and makes everything to begin with. Or they’re lying that I’m living in sin since he made me the way I am.
Either way, it seems to me like they’re a bunch of liars who chair their doctrine when it suits their needs. They’re hypocrites and bigots. Also, sheep following blindly what they interpret from a book that has literally been remodeled into different versions where some include more ‘books’ than others, seems ill advised.
So yeah. That’s all I see when I look at the nativity scene. A whole lot of words that contradict each other, depending on who’s reading which part of the bible and how they interpret it. I like what Jin said about China keeping Western religion out of their culture as much as they can. It’s like an invasive species. All religions and cultures are invasive if their mission is to recruit and convert.
We don’t talk about Christmas in China or religion again as we continue to move through downtown. Before we head back to the car, we stop in for some hot chocolate and before we head home, we drive around different neighborhoods to see their displays of lights and holiday cheer.
Ren even puts on Christmas music.
I decide I like this version of Christmas. There’s joy in it. Peace. Comfort of being with family without the constant pit in my stomach filled with the dread of hearing how I’ve disappointed them.
It’s not about the holiday. It’s about spending time together and enjoying each other’s company while the world around us is a little more magical.
And freezing!
TWENTY-SEVEN
REN
Soon after Iwas drafted to my first AHL team, I had a girlfriend for a short time. We were together during the holidays, and I remember the stress of trying to keep up with her expectations for this time of year.
The appropriate kinds of presents to buy for your partner. How much is too much money to spend but also not insult them by only spending $20? The awkwardness of family gatherings with people I didn’t know and had never met.
On top of which, she was Catholic, so there was all the mass and praying and stuff that I hadn’t seen before, but that she wanted me to participate in.
It was… enlightening.
The experience is why I have always made it a point to be single during the month of December. I don’t want that pressure. There was literally no part of that entire ordeal that was fun to me.
Needless to say, we broke up very soon after. I’m a firm believer in letting someone do their own thing and not being a wet towel, but I also believe it’s important for partners to have an understanding between them as far as spiritual values andtraditions are concerned. There needs to be compromise and clear communication.
It’s really difficult when you come from two very different backgrounds and belief systems.
My months with that woman greatly shaped how I view relationships. Since meeting Zenia, Denny, Carson, and Kroy, I haven’t felt the need to spend a lot of time with a single woman. I get companionship from them and if I’m honest, group sex time has been much more satisfying than when I’m hooking up individually.
Felton’s fast asleep as I lay in bed and think about this. In just an hour, it’ll be Christmas morning and I have so many trains of thought vying for attention. Once I hit a small road block in which I’m not sure what to think, my mind skips to something else and I find myself in this circular pattern of repeating questions.
For instance, why Felton? Honestly, his gender doesn’t make much of a difference to me. While I won’t say that America is progressive as far as gender equality and sexual freedoms are concerned, I will say that it’s at least better than the climate back home regarding that. I definitely feel safer here in a gay relationship than I would back home.
But I’m still a little surprised that in all the years I’ve been here, it’s Felton Badcock that’s truly caught my attention in a way that no one else has before. Am I just ready to settle down now? Is that influencing my willingness to see him differently?
