There’s an extra toothbrush in the spare bathroom. While he gets ready for bed, I do as well in my bathroom. As I brush my teeth, I glance at the second sink that’s never used and imagine Felton standing over it, brushing his teeth with me. Our eyes meet in the mirror, and he smiles around the toothbrush.
Leaning over, I spit into the sink. What is wrong with me tonight?
It’s Reese Davies’ fault for making me feel so defensive on Felton’s behalf. Maybe that’s the cowardly way around explaining away this strange feeling, but it’s the excuse I’m going to make for myself.
Leaving the bathroom, I spy Felton lingering in the hall. Looking unsure and out of place. Also a little ridiculous in my clothes. Yet, I love it. I love that he’s wearing them.
I step into the hall. “You need anything?”
Felton shakes his head.
“Ready for bed?”
He sighs, nodding.
Pushing the spare room door open, I step back so he can get by me. When he’s laying down, I bring the covers up and around him, pushing the edges around his body. My mother used to do this for my brother and me when we were sick. As ridiculous as it sounds, I think that show of affection and care are what made me feel better more than medication or rest. Maybe that’s why I keep doing it for Felton.
The light is already off, and the curtain’s pulled from earlier today. I kneel next to him and brush his hair. “Sleep, Fel. Tomorrow is a new day. Each day is going to get better.”
He sighs. Unlike earlier, he doesn’t fall right asleep. He seems restless. Constantly twitching and shifting minutely. Under the blankets, his arms circle his stomach.
After twenty minutes, I say, “Move over.”
His eyes open and he watches me as he pushes himself backward on the mattress. I climb on with him, pulling him close. Felton’s weight covers me. He sighs again and this time it sounds content. It’s mere minutes before he’s asleep. Though my eyes stay open long after as I try to determine what’s happening between us.
EIGHTEEN
FELTON
After the Calgary win,I’m feeling better than I have in a while. There was the little blip after the game where I might have fallen down the rabbit hole, though I’m not entirely sure what made me fall. Someone probably said something that wasn’t directed at or toward me, but I got triggered into shutting down.
Much in the same way I do around my father. Still, I feel better. I feel like I can smile again.
Maybe that’s because Ren brought me home with him. He fed me and then held me that night. There was something about it that pushed away all the nasty negativity that was trying to cling to me.
That’s how I imagined this feeling. An insect with long pincers, trying to dig into me and latch on. Alone, I’m not able to get it dislodged, but Ren knows the secret. He knows how to push it off.
The next day, he brought me home and I gave him my cell phone. While I went about cleaning up the house I’ve barely been in, Ren blocked numbers and disconnected the voicemail. Now all blocked numbers would just end. Hopefully, they wouldn’t even ring first before they were shut down.
Once I was finished putting laundry in and replacing the bedding with something clean, I found Ren standing outside the sliding doors to my balcony, looking at my wind chimes. I can’t imagine that he’s looking beyond them since there are twenty-nine of various shapes and sizes hanging everywhere, obstructing the view.
Not that the view was awful. I just like wind chimes and their ability to override the sounds in my head.
“You like wind chimes,” Ren comments.
When I glance at him, I find he’s teasing me, so I grin. “I could have worse collections. Like fingernails.”
He looks at me with an eyebrow raised and I laugh. “It’s a thing. I’ve seen it online. Though I may have gagged when I saw it.”
He chuckles.
Ren didn’t stay.I think he hung around long enough to make sure I wasn’t going to lose my mind before he took his leave. We’ve had three games in the last nine days and have won two of the three.
Now it’s day ten of being home and I’m not sure what to do with myself. Knowing that my father can’t call, text, or leave me a voice message helps to relieve some of the pressure. Neither can my former agent, whom Imry has already begun the process of suing for… he used some big, technical words, but basically taking advantage of me and stuff.
I’m a free agent right now, which I know isn’t wise, but Ren promises Imry will review anything I need that an agent would do between now and when I find another. Not that I’ve beenlooking. I told Ren I looked at the list he gave me, and I have, but I haven’t looked beyond that.
It’s overwhelming and I’m far too afraid of fucking up again. I turn into a shaking, shut down mess when anyone starts yelling at me. The agents don’t start out that way, but… what if I choose one that will end up that way? Just like my previous.
