“You okay?”
Choose a suit for me!
Wait—I’m not helpless. I’m an adult.
So I don’t say that out loud. No matter how much I want him to make the choice for me. Instead, I just nod.
However, I think Ren sees through me now. He steps into my bedroom and joins me just inside my closet. “How about the charcoal one?” he asks.
Sighing, I nod. Something as simple as that has the power to take a lot of weight from my shoulders. I still feel much lighter once I slip into it, even though suits are restricting. Then I’m following my crush—I mean Ren—to the front door.
Once outside, I hesitate, looking between the two vehicles. There’s no reason I can’t drive. I feel fine now, relatively speaking. I’m not falling apart, at any rate.
“Get in,” Ren tells me, holding open the passenger side door of his car.
The weight of that decision releases, and I smile a little. It seems like such a silly thing, but I don’t want to have to even think about something like which car to drive. Which pair of underwear am I supposed to wear? Should I stop to fill the tank now or later if I take my car?
They’re little things, but with the stress of dealing with my family, those tiny, almost minuscule decisions feel like boulders.
The ride to the arena is quiet. Ren doesn’t try to fill the silence, for which I’m grateful. My skin feels… awkward on mymuscles right now. I’m so very aware of how close he is. Which is weird because it’s never felt so obvious before.
Not even when he stepped into my closet while I was just in my underwear. Or when he watched me get fucked by his friends. Not even when I practically mauled him after I showed up last night out of the blue having a mental breakdown.
But right now, in the car when he’s sitting just a foot away? My fingers itch to feel his hand on mine. Which is ridiculous because he’s never held my hand before.
I’m just lonely. That’s the issue. That’s all this is about. No one has shown me kindness quite like this before. People are nice. I’ve never had anyone be truly mean to me. And I do have friends.
But this is just… different.
So I don’t keep creepily sneaking peeks at his profile—which I now realize is really refined and beautiful—I stare out the window as the street goes by. It’s late November so there aren’t many people walking around. But there are still those braving the outdoors as the temperature drops.
We pull in and a few of our teammates are making their way to the door. Ren shuts off his car, but doesn’t move to open the door. I sit still and wait for him.
When he doesn’t say anything, I risk a look in his direction. He’s watching me and for some reason, my cheeks heat.
“I feel like this is one of those questions that gets asked a lot, but I really need to know—are you okay? Are you going to be able to play?” Ren asks.
That’s a good question, but there’s really only one answer. “I need to be.”
He nods. “I know. And I know you’re able to shove everything difficult aside and focus on hockey.”
“You know that, huh?” I ask, skeptically.
Ren smiles. “I do. You have for a very long time, Fel. I’m confident you can do it again. I’m not saying that’s healthy and you should do that more than necessary. But pro sports don’t wait for anyone.”
I sigh. “They don’t. I’ll be fine.”
His hand lands on mine, and my heart nearly leaps out of my body. His skin is so warm. “I’m right here. Whenever you feel unbalanced, just look at me and remind yourself that I’m right here. No one is going to touch you. Nothing will touch you. Tonight is just you, me, our team, and hockey. Nothing else exists right now. Understand?”
What I appreciate more than the gesture is his words. His tone. It’s always the calm, soothing lilt of his voice, but he’s not giving me an option. The last question wasn’t ‘can you do that?’ He told me what to do, clearly, and made sure I understood what’s expected of me.
I’m not sure why, but there’s something deep inside me that unravels. It encompasses me, ready to swallow up everything that shouldn’t exist right now. Just me, Ren, our team, and hockey. No one else. That’s all I have the capacity to think about.
I nod. “Yes,” I answer. And when I step out of the car, everything else is shed behind me. Like a snake skin.
Okay, maybe like a turtle shell. I’m going to end up with it back on my shoulders. Unlike a snakeskin that’s been outgrown. Still, it’s something. “Yes,” I murmur to myself as I walk around the car to fall into step beside him.
In this way, I move forward. Not as a new person, but maybe on a new plane. A temporary one, but still a new one. When I finally step onto the ice, I feel slightly unbalanced, but when I look at Ren, I’m steady again.
