I’m going to be sick!!
The phone leaves my hand and I think I’ve dropped it. But when I reach for it slowly, it seems to float away and land on the table. I blink at it several times before sitting up and remembering I’m not alone right now.
Fuck. Ren just witnessed all that. He likely heard my father yelling.
I can’t look at him. I can’t let him see how much of a disaster I am. My head spins and I can’t catch my breath.
“Lean over, Fel. Put your head between your knees.” I do as Ren says as I gasp for breath. “Breathe, Felton. Concentrate on breathing.”
It’s hard. My lungs don’t work. I’m being crushed under my father’s voice, still yelling in my head.
Ren’s hand moves on my back, and I force my brain to focus on that. His soft, sure touch. For every backward motion, I let a breath out. Every forward, I breathe in. It’s easier to breathe when there’s something to measure it by.
“Who called you?” he asks, his voice quiet.
I love his voice. It’s always so soft and mellow. Calming. And if I let myself think so, sexy. His slight Chinese accent is so beautiful.
“My agent,” I whisper. “Actually, my former agent. Then my father.”
“Tell me about the calls.”
I shake my head. “My agent canceled my contract and another person in his office will take me on with a different one. He says I’m a problematic personality risk or something.”
“Listen to me, Felton,” Ren says. “Are you listening?”
I nod.
“Do not sign a contract until you bring the old and new ones to a contract lawyer. They can’t just cancel your contract and give you a new one. That’s not how contracts work. Understand?”
I take a breath. “He said?—”
“He’s bullying you.Do notsign another contract.”
His words lift some of the burden from my shoulders and I nod. No contract. Yes. Okay, good. I nod so he knows I heard him. “Yes.”
“Please don’t take offense to this, but your father sounds like a grade A asshole. Why do you let him talk to you like that?”
I want to smile. There’s a chance that any other day I might. He’s not wrong. My dad is an asshole. But maybe he has a right to be an asshole today. Maybe he’s right about me every day. I’m just a disappointment.
“Felton,” Ren says quietly. He waits until I force myself to meet his eyes. “Why did you do this?”
The way I want to simultaneously cry and throw up wars inside me. I shake my head, trying to push the tears back. “I just… it’s the only time I don’t feel so… like a burden. Like I’m fucking up.”
“When?”
“Sex,” I whisper. I’m not shy. Like, ever. And never about sex. But my cheeks flush right now as I drop backward onto the couch. “I never make anyone happy. I never do anything right. The only time I don’t feel like that is when I’m having sex.”
From the corner of my eye, I can see Ren nodding. This sounds lame, doesn’t it? I don’t know why, but I try to defend myself. “I’m not a slut,” I insist and then cringe. “Not that I’m slut shaming. You can be a slut if you want to.”
He smiles.
“I just mean that I’m… not one. I didn’t have sex with a lot of people in my, uh, videos.”
“How about starting from the beginning? Why did you start these accounts?”
“Because they make me feel good,” I answer, letting my head fall back and staring at the ceiling. I think it needs to be cleaned. Is that a dirt spot? “It’s the only time in my life where people are always saying nice things. There’s no disappointment. I’m not letting anyone down. I feel good and when I’m with someone else, they feel good too.”
“You liked the attention,” he concludes.
