“How did you get over me when you thought I had died?”
Our gazes met, and I held hers with mine. “Get over you? I didn't. How could I? You were the brightest fucking star in my dark world.”
Her eyes grew damp and the string lighting glistened off the sheen. “Cill?—”
“When I thought you were gone, I'd found myself plunged into some alternate universe that was pitch black. I’d tortured myself over what you had seen right before his men ended your life. I had focused on the terror you must’ve felt, and I’d wanted to die. Each time I popped a pill and chased it down with a bottle of booze, I’d prayed for the universe to take me, so I could be where you were. My grandfather would never let me succumb to those demons.”
“And for that, I’m thankful, Cillian. He did love you, and I’m sure he only thought that he was protecting you.”
“Like he did this morning?” I asked her. When she grew silent, I stepped closer to her, then slid my hand under her chin so I could tip her head back. “I sat in my car before leaving the hospital, and I needed to see what had happened. He’d hurt you again, and by extension, I had as well.”
“You can’t blame yourself for anyone’s actions but your own.”
“I knew he had been sniffing around you and Ciara. Somehow, I thought I could handle him now, but I hadn’t been here when you needed?—”
“You can’t dwell on that,” she said as she raised her own hand up and stroked the side of my face.
“If it hadn’t been for his heart attack, he would’ve killed you. He would’ve taken you away from me again, only this time, he wouldn’t have missed. If anything had happened to you, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”
“I’m fine,” she tried to assure me, even going as far as moving her head from my grasp and raising up on her tiptoes. Seconds later, her mouth covered mine. As she kissed at my lips, I wanted to pull her closer, but I remained stoic.
“You showed more bravery in front of him than I ever had.”
“That’s not true, Cillian. You’d told me about the dungeon. No one has ever stood up for me in my life like that, and no one but you ever would. Ronan Brannington was a monster, but you refused to cower to him. You didn’t heed his demands like some puppet, and it was likely the reason he had so much animosity toward you.”
“I d-didn’t do enough,” I stammered out as my voice cracked. “If anything happened to you...again...especially because of me, I couldn’t have lived with myself. It was all I had thought about on the way to the Mater. I had wanted to confront him...To rail against him for even threatening you or Ciara...He just fucking died before I got the chance. How do I deal with these unresolved things I can never get out toward him now?”
“You do it by living your life, and finally on your own terms.”
“All I’ve ever wanted was to live my life with you, Anamchara. Is tú mo ghrá.”
“And I love you too,” she responded vehemently. “If you were watching that video, you had to have seen how happy I was before he showed up.Youmake me happy. And I think that I make you happy, too.”
I cupped her face between my hands as I lowered my mouth to hers and began trailing kisses across her lips and chin before pulling back. “You’d always made me happy, and giving me Ciara...This time together has been the happiest time of my life.”
“We both love you so much.”
“I just don’t know how to deal with everything inside of me. The last thing I want to do is cause you or Ciara any undue pain. I’m so pissed off, though. I’m mad at him for trying to buy you off, then hurting you physically. I’m pissed off at him for slaughtering your family and taking you from my arms to begin with. Most of all, I’m pissed off that I can never tell him how much I both loathed and loved him.”
“It’s hard. I know that firsthand. Like you with your grandfather, I had so many unresolved issues with my mother. Why did she love Rowan more than me? Why did she take me for granted one moment, then smother me in the next? But most of all, I wanted to ask her if she was finally proud of me now, if ever?”
“I didn’t know you had those feelings about her,” I said, and tried to remember back to some of our conversations back in New York. but not recalling anything.
“Death, even when expected, always leaves behind unanswered questions. It is then up to us as to whether we want to dwell on them, or move on with our lives, where we can hopefully find a piece of happiness for ourselves along the way.”
“You’re so much stronger than I can ever be.”
“Bullshit. I’ve had more time to reconcile my thoughts and emotions. Your grandfather died a few hours ago. Give yourself some grace. Once I did, I was able to find some semblance of peace, which is what I want most for you.”
“I don’t deserve you,” I said to her.
“You do, and in time you will see and accept it. For now, take the time to grieve. I certainly did. Over those years, I'd taken solace in knowing I would one day have a chance to address the pain she’d caused me, but without the bitterness that existed in this world. Your anger and pain will fade, too. You will see.”
“I wish I could be as sure as you,” I bemoaned.
“Let’s go inside,” she said, and I let out a sharp exhale. Soon, I had followed her back into the penthouse. Once inside, I pulled her against my chest. This time, when she looked up at me, my mouth came down hard on hers. There was no gentleness as I began to devour her lips, drinking from them as I slowly backed her into the hallway and down it.
Only when we reached my bedroom did I pull away. “Stay with me tonight.”
