I certainly couldn’t. Had my entire family been brutally slaughtered, I might’ve taken the only way I had seen out, too. And in a way, marrying her had been that for me. It was supposed to be our escape from our lives and all the dangers to our happiness. It only ended up being another dagger that was twisted in my chest over and over for the last seven years.
I set down the bottle, then scrubbed a hand down my face just as I heard a door open and close. Maybe it had been the breeze that picked up on her shampoo and wafted it toward me, or it was her very presence, which was something I had conjured up repeatedly over the years. Whatever it was, she was here.
“What are you doing out here at this time of night?” she asked me.
Without turning toward her, I replied. “Go inside, Reagan. I don’t want you to get sick.”
“How is your grandfather?” she asked, and I squeezed my eyelids closed as I remembered my reason for being out here. “You didn’t call, so I?—”
“It’s over and done with.”
“Over? Are you talking about visiting hours?”
I did turn in this moment, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. After all, how did I even begin to make up for all that my grandfather had taken from her in the past, and even more recent as this morning. All I ever seemed to do was allow that man to hurt her. All I ever seemed to do was hurt her.
“He’s gone, and you won’t have to worry about him anymore.”
“Gone? As in dead?” she asked. At my fallen expression, a soft sob left her lips as she quickly closed the distance between us. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered when just in arm’s reach of me.
“Sorry? I thought that you of all people would be thrilled.” Her head snapped back, and her eyes narrowed, and I almost wondered how much Irish she truly had in her because her temper clearly supported it. “Or maybe relieved is a better word.”
“Why would I be happy or relieved over that?”
“Well, I don’t know. I do know that he has hurt you so many times, so?—”
“Oh, Cillian. I don’t care about my own pain. I only care right now about yours. Yes, your grandfather was a wretched man, but you loved him.”
“I hated him,” I quickly retorted.
“Perhaps, but you did love him as well. I know that. If you didn’t, I know you would’ve avenged my assumed death. You didn’t because you?—”
“I didn’t because I was weak.” There, I had said it. Over the years, I had wanted to take from him what he had taken from me, but I lost myself in a bottle and relied upon painkillers and whatever other drugs I could get my hands on that would lessen the pain I’d felt. She reached out and touched me, but I didn’t want her pity. Or even her empathy. “I want to be left alone.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, at least not while you’re out here. Come inside.”
“Geography won’t change a damn thing, Anamchara.”
“Maybe talking about it will instead.”
I could appreciate her gesture, even if I had no idea why she was extending it to me. I was the last one who deserved an ounce of her compassion, yet here she was– the ray of sunshine in my black, cold heart.
“There’s not much to say.”
“H-how did it happen?”
I finally turned in her direction and could see the sincerity in her eyes as she questioned me. I also saw the determination, so I released a sigh before answering. “He went into cardiac arrest at the hospital, and they were unable to revive him.”
“I’m so sorry,” she said again as she moved in even closer. After wrapping her arms around me, she rested her head against my chest. “He truly did love you. I got as much from our conversation today.”
“He had one hell of a way of showing it. I suppose you’re right, though. He hadn’t killed me over the years, when he certainly had it in him to do so. I know I was a failure to him. I was not as strong or capable as my cousin, Kingston, or as beloved as my other cousin, Princeton. I was just here as a source of strife for him.”
“He just wanted to protect you from me,” she replied.
“The only one I had ever needed protection from had been him. Knowing that, I should be at least somewhat relieved that he is gone, as I no longer have to be reminded about how often I’d lived beneath his expectations. I’d been prepared for this day for over a decade, but now that it is here, I have no idea how to feel.”
“Anything is valid, no matter if good or bad.”
I wrapped my arms around her for a moment, then pushed away from her. “I have no idea how, or if, I’ll ever be able to get over his death. My grandfather had been a noose tightening around my throat, but I feel like I can breathe for once, and it’s not a familiar feeling.”
