A Few Weeks Later
Having told Ciara that Cillian was her father had been the easiest, yet hardest, thing I had ever done in my life. That night, she had been so excited to learn that this stranger was someone she’d always thought was dead. Now, all of the things she had always wanted to do with a father, she could do with him, and that part pained me more than it should have.
Even now, a few weeks had passed, and she was happier than I had ever seen her before. Not only had she adjusted to life here in Ireland, but she was thriving. Her infectious smile and cheerful demeanor had even softened Cillian, if that was possible. And maybe soften was the wrong word. At least where I was concerned. With every passing day, he seemed more resentful toward me while showing glimpses of the man I had once fallen in love with to the child we’d created from that union.
When they were together, I could see the genuine happiness on both of their faces. And it’d taken Ciara all of a weekend to have Cillian completely wrapped around her tiny fingers. Hedoted on her and spoiled her way more than he should, but I knew deep down he was trying to make it up to her for not being there all of this time. It wasn’t due to any fault of his because he hadn’t known he had a child. Only, a six-year-old would never understand what happened, not that she needed to know any of it. I’d created this life for her so she would never have to know the truth, and I intended to keep it that way.
I just wished that Cillian didn’t seem to hate me as much as he did. Each time I caught him looking at me, his expression would completely break me. It was equal parts anger, disgust, betrayal, and distrust. As much as it dismayed me in a way, it reminded me that I could never fully let my guard down around him. If given the opportunity, he would have me taken out, and this time, he’d make sure they got the right victim. After, he could take our daughter to parts unknown and do whatever he wanted to do without any input from me.
Over my dead body.
Only, I hoped it never came to that. Ciara needed me, and I intended to never let her down. The mistakes my own mother had made were ones I tried my best not to make either. I had loved her, but as time had passed, I was reminded of the way that she would speak to me. It was almost as if she had wanted to keep me under her palm because she knew Rowan needed me. My twin sister was very ill and needed my bone marrow to survive, and those irrational fears at times would come creeping back into my psyche, eventually destroying me in the process. What child wanted to feel like their mother only loved them for what they could provide to her other child?
I would then remember the ways she would show me how to do different things, and the trust she would place in me. Rowan wasn’t able to do any of those things, but I’d liked to think that it would’ve been all mine anyway. I’d been crazy to think she hadn’t loved me enough, because she had. The anguish of griefjust kept planting doubts in my head, and from those seeds, paranoia and pain had sprouted. I’d had to rid myself of them over the years where Elin Coughlin had been concerned, and I would now where Cillian Brannington was.
Only, it was easier said than done. Seeing the side of him with our daughter that I’d pictured over and over that last summer made it virtually impossible for me to fully hate him. At least until I would remember my twin, and how she had never gotten a chance to meet her niece, and it would anger me all over again. I’d also remember how she was essentially bedridden, and how scared she must’ve been when the Brannington goons barged in and attacked her. Unable to defend herself, she would’ve been an easy target.
Their deaths had been brutal, so much so that they had suggested cremation versus an actual burial, not that I could’ve afforded the latter anyway. The small life insurance policy would’ve never been enough to bury her and allow me to move on with my life as I recreated it.
I rose like a Phoenix from the ashes.
Although I never felt strong, but rather like an imposter. Cillian and his family had stolen mine, but instead of letting my twin rest in eternal peace, I’d taken her name and now had made quite a mess of my life under her name and my own.
And I also felt inferior when it came to my very daughter because I would see her sometimes look at Cillian in a way she had never looked at me. Did she love him more? I’d once been her whole world, and now I felt like a bystander with front row seats to a life that no longer belonged to me.
“No, Mommy. Daddy is going to read me a bedtime story tonight.”
“No, Mommy. Daddy has shown me how to tie my shoes.”
No, Mommy this...and No, Mommy that...
Her words, as well intended as they were meant, still felt like sharp daggers to my chest. I was losing the only good thing I had in my life, and to the man responsible for taking away everything else good that I’d once had, including his love.
Sometimes, I would look over at him, and all of this painful past of ours was erased as I saw the boy I’d once fallen in love with. We were so young, and I think we both honestly thought we’d be together forever. We talked every day, and snuck away together as many nights as possible. Even when separated by an ocean, we’d still kept in touch, which allowed me to never see him, or this grand romantic love affair I had created in my mind for what it really was.
Nothing in life is permanent. Love is temporary, because it can never last forever.
I’d wanted our story to be different. It wasn’t.
And now, the only reminder that any of the past was actually real and not some figment of my overactive imagination was slowly pulling away from me. Before long, her love would be gone as well, and I would have nothing. I would have no one. I guess the saying about living on borrowed time was true.
“Mommy, I want to go to the park. Will you take me?”
I scrubbed my hands down my face at the sound of Ciara’s voice. “Yes,” I said in a shaky voice.
“Don’t cry, Mommy. We can go another time.”
My beautiful girl was also so intuitive. As strong as I had always tried to be for her, she’d always seen through it. There had been many nights over the years when she’d comforted me without even a clue as to why I was upset. Remembering that, I flashed a watery smile at her. “I’d love to go to the park. Do you have your sneakers on?”
“Yes, and I tied them all by myself. The bunnies helped me. And Daddy, too. I can sing the song and help you tie yours if you need me to.”
I laughed softly. “That isn’t necessary as I’m wearing flip flops. Let’s go ahead and go.”
Cillian had asked me not to take her away from this place when he was out because most of his men often accompanied him. He didn’t say always, but rather often, and that word seemed to be intentional. As much as I wanted to flee, and one day might still try, Ciara was so happy here, and I had no means to leave or even anywhere to go.
Monica had previously told me that my loft had been rented to some college students, and I had long ago been fired from my job at the clinic.Cillian had been intentional when he’d dragged us off to this place, so I supposed in a way, he was right about holding our futures in his hands. And while he used to tell me the same thing when it would come to orgasms, this was meant in a much different way. He didn’t care if I was happy. In fact, he seemed to like making me miserable, and did it often enough.
“We ready?” Ciara asked me, and I nodded.
