Everything in me goes still.
My brain barely catches up with how fast everything’s moving between us, but I have enough sense to pull back immediately to search her face.
“Fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push. I just assumed that you wanted me to…” I look down between us. How close I just got to pulling myself out and consummating this marriage in the back of a goddamn bar alley. And I didn’t even bother to get to know my wife well enough to know that she’s still a virgin? This is exactly the moment that I know that I’ve lost my mind when it comes to her. “I got carried away.”
“It’s not your fault,” she says softly, cheeks flushed. “I just… I needed you to know. I’ve been too embarrassed to tell you, and since we haven’t been physical, I…”
I nod, breathing hard, still trying to get my pulse under control. “You didn’t have to tell me anything. You don’t owe me any explanation, even now. I thought that when you said you wanted me to…I… I read it wrong, that’s all.”
Her eyes soften. “I didn’t mean to lead you on....” she says as if she feels guilty for what she said. “I do want you. I didn’t lie about that, but I’ve just never…”
“You didn’t lead me on. I would never have forgiven myself for taking your virginity in the back alley by the dumpsters. It was just fumbled in translation… but do you regret what we just did?” I ask, the thought of her regretting my fingers between her thighs, making her come on my hand, makes my stomach turn. She shakes her head. “I don’t regret that.”
Relief hits me because I don’t regret getting to touch her either, even if it’s the first and last time she ever lets me do it.
“Good… we just got carried away. Let’s get you back to the hotel.” I help her pull her dress back into place and then I offer my hand, and to my relief, she takes it. I thread our fingers together, and she doesn’t pull away.
We drive back in silence, not awkward, not tense, just thick with everything we didn’t say.
When we reach the room, she stands in the doorway, looking a little lost, a little flushed, and yet still so beautiful.
“I think… I’m going to take a bath,” she says.
“That’s a good idea. It’s been a long day.” I started to unbutton my shirt. “And… we’re fine, right?”
Her eyes lift. They’re soft and warm as they settle on me. “Yes,” she says quietly. “We’re fine.” Then she hesitates. It’s just a tiny pause, and adds, “Those honky-tonks do a number on you.”
She teases me, and that’s when I know she is not just saying it for my comfort. We really are okay.
I drop my shirt, standing there in nothing but my slacks, breathing deep through everything I want and can’t have.
“Hey, KitKat,” I say, and she turns.
Her gaze drops slowly over my chest, my stomach, the line of my hip, and then a little lower. I see the moment she takes a deep inhale and catches her lower lip in her teeth. My whole body lights up in response.
There’s no denying that there is something between us, but to what end? And either way, it doesn’t give me the right to take her virginity—husband or not. I wouldn’t take it even if she offered. Not like this… not with an expiration date on our marriage.
“Yes?” she whispers, her eyes reluctantly abandoning my half-naked body to find my eyes again.
“Have a good bath… and whatever you do. Don’t open the bathroom door tonight,” she takes a shallow breath this time, her eyes fixed on me. “...no matter how bad I beg for you to let me in, so I can touch you again.”
Her pupils flare, and I see her breath stutter, and that right there, that look she gives me, is the single hottest moment of my life.
“You’d beg?” she asks breathlessly.
“On my knees.” I tell her.
We stand there for another moment, staring back at one another. I imagine a fantasy where she runs into my arms and kisses me back, but it doesn’t happen. Both of us are too afraid to move, to say what we’re both feeling right now.
“Lock the bathroom door, Katerina…”
“Scottie… I…” she says, taking a small step forward, but I hold up a gentle hand to stop her.
“You’re not ready, and I don’t want you to regret me in the morning,” I tell her, though it’s painful to say out loud because all I want, all I think about, is her. “This is for both of us.”
She takes a small step back and nods, as if she understands that I’m trying to do the right thing. Even if every atom in my body is telling me that it’s the wrong thing.
“Okay, Goodnight Scottie,” she says and then walks into the bathroom slowly, like she’s feeling every inch of the distance between us.
