“It’s alright, Ayda,” Deeks whispered, his cheek pressing against the top of my head. “We got you, kiddo. We got you.”
There was a flurry of activity around us, a slump of someone being dropped in the back of the van, the grinding of dirt and rocks in the asphalt under us, whispered voices and then Moose moving carefully.
“Hey, chica, I’m putting you in the van with Deeks. I gotta drive.”
I nodded in agreement and sucked in a hiss through my teeth as Moose set me gently in the van next to Deeks, who sat on the floor with a blanket and open arms. The material was harsh against my skin as he folded it around me, but I settled in against him quickly, my cheek against his shoulder as my trembles progressed into full body shakes.
“Get us the hell out of here, man.”
“I’m on it, Deeks.”
The door had barely started sliding against the rails when I heard the first scream coming from the warehouse. I’d never heard a man make a sound like that in my life. It was the manifestation of pain in a corporeal form, twisting into the night and stealing my breath from my lungs.
Blood for blood was the last thought I had as Deeks hissed out another command to get us out of there and then the darkness invaded everything.
“Easy, Sutton, you’re not in any danger here, man.”
I was pretty sure the voice was Deeks’, but I couldn’t be certain. The response and the rocking of the van sent wave after wave of pain and nausea through me. Arms tightened around my shivering body and held me closer. A gentle stroke of my arm was lulling me into a state of sleep yet again, even as another voice mumbled from somewhere close by. I couldn’t hold onto it long enough to give it my full attention. Sleep called and promised a reprieve from the pain, although I wasn’t entirely convinced it wasn’t all just a dream.
I woke up on my stomach in a dark room. Someone was sitting close, their fingers moving gently through my hair. My hand felt heavy and cumbersome, my skull felt as though it was in a vise, and the skin on my back as though I had been flayed alive. I could feel other cuts and bruises littering the surface of my skin, but those seemed to be the big ones. I closed my eyes again, a slave to the gentle rhythmic stroke of the fingers through my hair.
I must have been dozing in and out, because with every intermittent stream of consciousness, I was more than aware of the sudden change in situation.
I heard Tate arguing with someone.
I heard a bike starting, followed by the growl of acceleration as the gate rattled open.
I heard shouting from somewhere.
I heard Deeks whispering above me and a gentle dip inthe bed as Autumn let out a little gasp of shock.
There was nothing connecting each event, just breaths, darkness and overwhelming pain that felt as though it was drowning me. Those thoughts weren’t all selfish. After every miserable thought for myself, my mind immediately moved to Drew. I didn’t know where he was or what he was doing. I wasn’t even sure whether he’d made it back or not. Whenever I tried to move, the hands around me pushed me down with soothing coos and reassuring hums of encouragement, while all I could manage washisname.
I knew the moment lucidity had its hooks in me. Whatever they’d given me to ease the pain had well and truly worn off and left me with nothing but a waking nightmare and an inner turmoil that made my stomach roll brutally.
“Easy, Ayda, you’re okay,” Autumn whispered, her warm hand folding around mine while the other brushed my hair from my forehead. Her reaction alerted me to the fact that I’d made a noise I hadn’t meant to.
“Is he okay…? Drew?” His name came out hoarse and gravely. It was all I could manage. The comfort of her voice and touch weren’t fitting with what my conscience was telling me. I knew what I’d done. I understood what my hands were capable of, and all I needed to breathe was the one person in my life that understood what had happened in that warehouse.
“He’s home. The doc is with him. So are Harry and Deeks. He’s a fighter, darlin’. Right now, I need you to relax, sweet girl. I’m going to change the bandages on your back. You need to take a deep breath for me. It’s not going to feelgood.”
I nodded into the pillow, my one good hand sweeping up over the cool sheets and pushing it against my face as she worked at peeling the tape from my back. The dull, throbbing ache quickly gave way to the stinging pain as the cool air met with the wounds, pulling a hiss from my lungs that was eaten by the pillow I was holding against me. I could feel the tears stinging my eyes as I sucked in as much oxygen as I could through the side of my mouth. It was possible that crying was a perfectly natural response to the pain and the unrelenting imagery that fluttered behind my closed eyes. Anyone else and I would have been holding them and comforting them, but I wasn’t capable of being objective. In my mind, I had no right to cry. I deserved the pain. I’d taken a life. I’d taken their ability to heal while I wept into a pillow.
“Ayda,” Autumn said quietly, her fingers as gentle as air on my back. She worked diligently, the scent of herbs and ointments filling the room and permeating the pillow I was using as a barrier to hide me from the world. “I know what you’re thinking. I know how you must be feeling, but you did everything you could to survive. Nothing will take what you’re feeling away, but I need you to understand that it was self-defense. It was kill or be brutally abused and killed yourself. Don’t beat yourself up over this, sweetheart. You’re still who you’ve always been, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.”
I’d always known Autumn was intuitive, and even if I hadn’t picked it out myself, Deeks would have pointed it out to me, but this—the fact that she knew the exact thoughts running through my mind—spoke volumes. It was just unfortunate that I couldn’t allow myself to process them. Mymind seemed more inclined to think of other ways out of the situation I’d been in. The need to put the blame on myself was like the necessity to breathe. I relived every soul-crushing second through to the end, backing up and changing choices I’d made in the process, but no matter how many times I hit a wall and backed up to find another, the result was always the same.
He was going to kill me. It had always been his end game.
“Why?” I croaked out, turning my head slowly to stop the waves of shooting pain and nausea from taking hold.
“Why what, sweetheart?” she asked, taping a new set of bandages to my back as carefully as she’d removed them.
“Why does love have to be a weakness, Autumn?” I didn’t know why all the answers suddenly hit me in that one moment, but so much became clear to me as I puzzled a way out of the situation.
The room was so quiet, I heard her sigh as she shuffled to lay next to me, her hand curling around my good one while her head rested on my pillow facing me.
“It’s not a weakness, Ayda. To love, you have to be strong. You have to have faith, trust and belief in one person and give them the ability to hurt you when you hand your heart and soul to them.” She swept a tear away with her thumb and cupped my cheek. “It does make you more human and more vulnerable, though. You just have to remember that no matter how many people expose that, it’s that vulnerability that sets you apart. It makes you human and makes you stronger. When you have so much to lose, it makes you fight harder to keep it.”
