“Both.”
Leaning forward, he dropped down to rest his forearms on the bar, clasping his hands together in front of the two of us. “She looked pretty upset when she walked away just now.”
“I know.”
“Why haven’t you gone after her?”
“Truthfully?”
“It would help.”
I looked back down into the glass, closing my eyes as I took another drink, throwing my head back fully to drain it before slamming it back on the surface again. “Because I’m scared of what I will say to her if I do.”
“She loves you, kid.”
“So everyone keeps telling me.”
“You don’t believe us? Or her?”
“I believe all of y’all. Especially her. That doesn’t mean that any of this is right for any of us. Especially her.”
“Your old man always used to talk in riddles. Always confused the living shit out of me. I’m a straight shooter, Drew. You know that more than anyone. I don’t have any filter and I’ve never been good at puzzles. I’m here for you, though. I’m willing to listen. You’ve just gotta give it to me in black and white.”
“White. I love her. Black. She can’t survive this world.”
The slow nod of his head as he leaned even closer had me freezing in place.
“So this is you pushing a good thing away?”
“I think it might have to be the start of it,” I croaked, clearing my throat quickly and frowning even harder, even though it hurt every part of my face to do so. “I always thought I was selfish, Harry. Up until today, I thought I could keep a hold of her no matter what because when the rest of the world is shut out and it’s just the two of us in my room, we feel fucking invincible together.”
“Why is it different out here?”
“Because if she loses me any other way, it will kill her.”
“Any other way?”
I reached up to my eyes, rubbing across the swellings on either side as I sighed heavily. “She hates me right now because I haven’t followed her into the bedroom. She hates me for going out to Gun Barrel City today with Slater and almost getting killed. She hates me because I wasn’t, in her words, man enough to deal with my anger without using my fists, and she’s only gonna hate me more when she sees Kenny. I’m halfway there already. I may as well push her off the fucking cliff and send her away to someone who can look after her.”
“Son…”
“No, Harry. Let me finish.” My hands dropped in front of his, clasping together to mirror his pose. Licking my lip that had started to bleed again, I looked down at my fingers and shrugged. “Do you know why I was so mad when I saw her with Kenny today? It wasn’t because he was touching her, or the fact that I’d warned him off this morning already. It wasn’t even the fact that I saw how much he enjoyed having her assin his hands.”
Harry’s eyes widened, his smile falling flat as he waited for me to finish.
“It was the fact that when I saw her so happy, I knew I was going to be the one to end that. In that moment, no matter what I said or did, I was going to strip that away from her. Don’t you see? I will always be that guy—the bearer of bad news. She would have to do her usual preachy shit about me riding out with Slater and get pissed, and when I saw that Kenny was the one bringing all the smiles while all I could dump at her feet was more bad news, I flipped. I saw red. I wanted to kill him and, irrationally, I felt angry at her. I don’t even know why. I think that’s when I knew I wanted her to hate me. I just couldn’t see it until the mist had cleared and the dust had settled after the fight.”
He sucked in a breath, holding the weight of it high in his chest as he thought about what I’d just told him. I watched and waited, my eyes flickering over every one of his features, expecting the slap up the side of the head any time. When he exhaled slowly and I saw the sadness in his eyes, I felt that sick, twisted knot grow even bigger and tighter in my stomach.
Harry thought I was doing the right thing by letting her go.
“It’s not an easy life we lead here,” he said quietly.
“My body agrees with you.” I swallowed harshly, the pain of my thoughts becoming too much to bear.
“She won’t go quietly.”
“I love her too much to let her stay just so I can break her. Or worse, make her hard. We’re already fighting too much as it is.”
