“I hate you.” I huffed in a half laugh, half sob. I should have known that his logic would appeal to mine. He always managed to play the devil’s advocate. I knew if he’d been talking to Drew, he’d probably be describing my reaction with as much intuition as he was with me about Drew. When the man said he saw everything, he wasn’t boasting, he was just being honest.
“No, you don’t. You hate that I’m making it impossible for you to stay mad.”
“But I really don’t want to be pissed off, Deeks.”
“Then don’t be.”
I made crazy hands at him and fell back against the mattress, my eyes searching the ceiling for some wisdom that would fit more along the lines of my irrational anger, but therewas nothing. Deeks didn’t say anything more. He knew he didn’t have to. He’d given me food for thought and he was letting me digest it, while offering me silent companionship at the same time.
When a wave of voices reached us from the main room, I knew it was only a matter of time before the liquor flowed and my window of opportunity to have a conversation with Drew was diminished. I needed to talk to him before he got drunk. If I didn’t, I would just let it fester until I blamed him for the lack of sweetener in the mornings. Deeks saw the decision in my eyes the moment I sat up. He stood, headed to the door and held it open for me until I bounced off the edge of the mattress and headed toward the main room, ignoring the trail of dirt as I turned around to grab Drew’s cut where I’d dropped it after taking it from Slater.
“Thanks, Deeks.”
“Anytime, kid. I guarantee any argument you can come up with, I’ve probably had at some point in my life.
“My encyclopedia of domestics,” I said, patting his chest as I passed him. “What would I do without you?”
“You’d put your foot in your mouth more than you already do.” He chuckled, heading toward the bathrooms with a wave over his shoulder. “Now go take care of this shit before you both think too goddamn much.”
“We can’t all be as wise as you,” I mumbled playfully, heading toward the main room, hugging the supple leather to my chest.
I found Drew with Harry at the bar. He was nursing a whiskey while Harry tried to stop the bleeding on his ear with rubbing alcohol and cotton balls. I hadn’t noticed quite how bad it was while we were standing outside, but being this closeup, I could see it was more than a simple scratch.
“Hey, Harry,” I said, sliding up slowly and draping Drew’s cut over his lap. “You mind if I take over?”
Harry looked to Drew rather than me, his unwavering loyalty there to back Drew up on whatever the hell he needed. With a small nod, Harry dropped the cotton he was holding and shot me a surreptitious wink before heading toward Jedd and Slater at the other end of the bar.
I picked up a clean cotton ball, dipped it in peroxide and worked in silence for a while, watching as the liquid fizzed and bubbled around the edges of the wound, eating what little bacteria had already formed there. I was trying to think of what to say, how to start the conversation.
He twitched as I got to the fleshier part of his wound and wiped it gently. I’m not sure anyone else would have noticed, but I’d spent hours exploring that jaw of his and I knew how to read the subtle jerks. He took a mouthful of his Scotch and leaned forward to rest his elbows on the bar, forcing me to move with him.
“I’m sorry. It’s really raw here,” I said quietly, dropping the bloodied cotton to the surface and picking up a clean one. “What happened?”
“I got shot,” he said robotically, the raspy sound of his voice annoying him as he cleared his throat and stared into the bottom of his tumbler.
“What? Drew!” My hand reached to cup the other side of his face, the panic in my gut becoming a painful knot of anxiety. “What the hell happened? Who shot you? Where?”
Dragging his bottom lip through his teeth, he looked up at me briefly before he glanced back down into his glass. “I took Slater out to Gun Barrel City. We went to the Emps’ base and Iwalked straight into a trap. I’m fine. It’s just a graze.”
“No. You don’t get to play this off as nothing, Drew. You could have been killed.” I pressed the cotton against his ear a little harder than I’d intended and cringed as he hissed quietly. At least his bad mood had a bit more of an explanation.
“I think that’s what they were hoping for.”
There was nothing I could say to that. I knew the danger of his lifestyle when I fell in love with him. I knew that every time he got on his bike and went out there, it could be the last. Unfortunately, a slap of reality like the one I was faced with made the possibilities come crashing down around me like a ton of bricks. What could I possibly say to his cynicism without sounding like some nagging old wife?
“I’m sorry you were hurt, Drew, but all I ask is you be safe out there. I know you have to do what you have to do and all that shit, but I can’t lose you. I need…” I trailed off, unable to follow the train of thought for a second longer. I could only handle so much before I started to break, and I’d convinced us all I was strong enough to do this. I had to stay true to my word. “I’ll get bandaids.”
“You know…” he started quietly, as though he hadn’t heard a single word I’d just said. “Sometimes I don’t think you understand that this lifestyle isn’t exactly about choices. It’s a nice concept, but talking and being safe aren’t always the ways I get to keep this club and my family alive.”
He glanced up at me, his wrist rolling the liquid around in the glass he was still loosely hanging on to.
“I never said it was, Drew. I would never ask you to put anyone in the club at risk. I’d never ask you to put your life above theirs.” I had no idea where I was even going with that line of thought. Nothing I said would be right. I just had to sayone more thing and hope that he actually heard it. “But don’t ask me to stop caring. I love you too much to do that. The sooner you figure that out, the better.”
He huffed out a small laugh, shaking his head before he raised a brow. “That’s the difference between the two of us. I would never ask you to change a single thing about yourself. You wouldn’t be who I…” For a moment, I thought he was going to say the words I knew he really felt, but when a small frown took over his face, I saw his disappointment match what I felt inside. “You wouldn’t be you then, and it’s you I want, not some stupid whore who just agrees to anything and everything I say. Not someone who would ask how high when I tell them to jump. I just wish you saw what you asked of me sometimes, too.”
“I have never once asked you to change anything about who you are. I don’t know how you could possibly think I would.” I leaned in to make sure no one around us could hear me. “I’ve never asked anything but for you to love me, and it’s the one thing you can’t fully give me and I even lovethatabout you. It’s a part of your strength. But this is just cruel. Point the fingers of blame all you want, but you’re the man I love, and every contrary little piece of politics that comes with you I’ve accepted.”
I leaned back and threw what I was holding to the counter, my eyes scanning the group closest to us as I began to tremble with the emotions that had no outlet. I needed an escape, and as I looked down at myself, I found the one I needed.
