I pulled the door out of my way, unable to look back at him and see that darkness resonating, but I faltered as I started to swing around the doorframe and stopped to look back inside. “I do love you, Drew. I just need to do this alone. I need time.”
Drew thrust his hands in his pockets, the disappointment radiating from him as he rolled his shoulders inward and looked down. Then it was me who was stuck between that rock and hard place. I wanted to stay and talk to him. I wanted to understand, but I needed to go to Tate, and I needed some time to myself before I lost it completely and got myself landed in jail beside him.
Chapter Sixteen
Drew
The confusion was almost as insufferable as the disappointment. I’d fucked up with the one thing I knew she could never lose, and Tate was in a place that none of us had ever expected him to be. I should have handled them the way I once would have. I should have stormed in there, nailed the little shits to a tree and put the fear of God up their asses, but I was trying to do the right fucking thing for once. My second shot at life had to go right. I wanted everything to happen the right way. I was trying to change what I stood for. Thought before reaction. Words before violence. A new kind of power.
But Ayda had walked away from me.
Moving on instinct, I marched forward to follow her, but her parting words ofI need timerang in my ears painfully, forcing me to stop as soon as she left. Time away from me was the one thing I didn’t want her to have.
Just a few weeks before, I’d have made her stop. I’d have grabbed her and pinned her down, thrown her over my shoulder or marched her to where I wanted her to be. Only I found that impossible now. I respected her too much for that.
I fucking loved her too much for that.
I stood in the doorway for far too long, my eyes fixedon the floor as all the negative thoughts in my head began to conjure up that ball of rage in the pit of my stomach. Every muscle along my jaw twitched, every vein in my arms throbbed as I pumped my fists in my pockets over and over again.
Even the sound of heavy boots working their way towards me couldn’t force me to lift my head.
“Slater just filled me in on what happened,” Harry muttered, coming to an abrupt stop in front of me as he blew out a heavy breath and let the silence linger. “Wasn’t your fault, son.”
My nostrils flared, hoping a small nod of feigned acceptance would appease him.
“Drew.”
“I know, Harry. I know.”
“Just the wrong place at the wrong time, brother. It’s happened to us all. We can’t control everything and everyone around here.”
Slowly looking up, I rolled my jaw back and forth and waited to find something to say from the dusty corners in the back of my mind. The flames of rage were licking at the skin on my legs, up my arms, across my chest, and the most hidden, deepest parts of my being wanted to smash something to pieces, just to regain control.
Harry nodded behind him, his eyes fixed on mine as he turned sideways. “Let’s go get you a drink and wait this out.”
“I need to get out.”
“And go where?” he asked, the last word getting stuck in the back of his throat, forcing his hand to smack down on his chest as he began to cough.
“Anywhere.”
“Running isn’t going to help here, Drew. First and foremost, that girl of yours is a mother. She might not have given birth to that boy of hers, but believe me, she is a mother. Anything she’s said to you in here isn’t what she means. That’s her instincts kicking in, her need to protect her cub. They’re all the same.”
I exhaled slowly, bringing my hands up to my face and scrubbing roughly. “I don’t give a shit what she said to me. They’re just words. I fuck those things up every single day. It was the look she wore, Harry—the promises I broke and the disappointment in her eyes. I can’t ignore those. I’m…”
“You’re what?”
“I’m not used to that, and I’m not sure I can do this to her. My life ain’t ever gonna change. She’s too fucking good for all of us, and you, me, the club, the entire population of Babylon all know it.”
“Stop,” he commanded, but I ignored him, pushing past his shoulder carefully and making my way over to the desk. Walking around to the bookcase and pulling a stack of keys out, I flipped through them until I found the one I wanted. “Don’t go down this road, brother. Ayda is lost without you, even when you’re only a room away from her. She needs you right now.”
“Does she?” I scoffed, not meaning to sound as much of a dick as I did. Throwing my arms out to the side, I gestured around the room and shook my head. “Then why am I here, while she’s chosen to go through Hell without me?”
Harry’s smirk grew. “Because she’s scared that the two of you will say or do something you’ll regret, and the thought of losing you is almost as scary as the thought of her brother going to prison. I’m guessing she can’t have those twonightmares running side by side tonight and have any hope of surviving.”
My hand ran down over my mouth slowly before I rubbed my lips together and marched forward towards my only exit, my keys in hand. “I’m no good at this.”
“Do you love her?” he asked, spinning on his feet and forcing me to stop as my boots hit the threshold of my room.
