Ayda glanced my way before nodding in agreement and allowing herself to be steered away, her eyes not moving from me.
Holding back, I kept my distance and tried to count in my breaths. The soles of their shoes crunched along the gravel path, and only when I was sure they’d made enough headway in front of me did I allow myself to spin around and let my head fall back between my shoulders.
The sky looked as black as I felt. Not one single thing was up there to remind me that this moment wasn’t as soul destroying as it felt. I could have lost her. Another personcould have died because of me.
That’s when it all became too much. Swiveling around on the spot, I gritted my teeth together in a blind rage, grabbed hold of the van doors and slammed those fuckers shut with as much power as I could muster. The sound of them crashing together rang out in the middle of nowhere like it was a goddamn bomb going off.
But I was stupid to think that that would be enough.
I was stupid to think I was ready to go to them.
They were inside by the time I got to the front of the van, and I could hear Kenny and Deeks trying to distract Ayda and Tate, and turn their attention away from me. That’s when I should have taken a right into the pathway of the trees instead of charging after them, grabbing hold of Ayda’s waist and pulling her back towards me. One hand slid roughly into her hair while the other gripped her hip, and I held her as close as I could get her. My fingers were digging into her skin, but I couldn’t ease the tension and I couldn’t let her go, not even when I let my lips fall to the back of her head and kissed her, despite knowing she was as scared as I was.
“She’s okay, Tucker. We got her out,” Kenny said quietly in front of me.
I ignored that one.
“Yeah, man, we’re alive. It’s all good,” Tate spoke up from beside his sister, his voice shaking as he tried to clear it and make his assurances sound more convincing.
I somehow ignored that one, too.
Closing my eyes, I prayed for Deeks not to speak, but when he did, the murderous look I shot out from behind Ayda was aimed right in his direction.
“Go to town, Drew. Get it out now before you lose yourshit later on and we all end up paying for it. Kitchen’s through there,” he muttered through a heavy breath.
I wanted to argue with him and tell him that I had this under control, but even I knew that was a lie, and I couldn’t have hated my lack of self-discipline any more than I did in that moment.
It didn’t take long for me to let her go, and I both felt and heard the air getting lodged in her throat as she watched me walk away. Staring at Deeks when I walked past him, I eventually made my way into the kitchen and closed the door behind me.
The rage rose to the surface like it was ready to come out and play. My feet walked in a slow circle as my head turned and glanced around the room, assessing everything that was in front of me quietly. My chest began to expand so much that I felt I was about ready to choke on all the air I was trying to drag in through my nose.
Only when I heard Ayda speaking quietly beyond the door did it all finally become too much. There was a soundtrack of destruction playing in my mind, allowing me to roar free. And then I lost it. All control slipped away and in its place was the pent up animal that was finally being allowed to hunt. My arms slid across every surface, bringing everything on them crashing to the floor in a clatter of chaos. Hair was falling forward over my eyes as I ripped off cupboard doors, the sounds of desperation and frustration growling out of my throat when I rammed my fist into the wall.
Tables were turned over, chairs were thrown at the window, and with every single thing that I broke, I felt a piece of myself begin to heal. There was survival in death. There was a feeling of taking control when insignificant things wereshattered by your hands.
I was feral again. Even in that moment of pure, blazing but pointless carnage, it all seemed to be helping my cause. The tension was pouring out of me. I was the Drew Tucker of five years ago, and I loved every fucking second of it.
Until the door creaked open behind me.
Chapter Forty-Seven
Ayda
The place was a mess, but I’d expected no less. The sheer noise coming from the room had made Deeks sigh and Kenny curse up a storm under his breath. Tate was leaning against the wall, looking pale and completely drained, while I paced like a caged animal.
I’d shrugged off reassurances from both Kenny and Deeks, both of them feeling the need to defend Drew’s actions to me of all people. All the while, the noise in the kitchen raged on, sounding like a tornado had been set loose in the room.
I finally managed to get Deeks to leave and find a place for Tate to sleep, while Kenny stepped out to make a call, check the van and lock it up. It was only when the silence became piercing that I ventured inside, my hand on the door as I stared at the skeleton on Drew’s back that almost looked like it was breathing with the breaths he was heaving in and out.
I trusted Drew with my life. I knew it the moment I saw it was him on that bike, and though he was volatile and unpredictable, I approached him anyway, not caring what happened to me. I saw this formidable man with so much strength in him, and I knew what I had to do. I knew that I had to show what I couldn’t say with words, because what did yousay to someone after something like that anyway?
I knocked a pan with the tip of my toe as I reached him, ignoring the metal scream as it coasted over the tile, and pressed my front against his back, my arms sliding around his waist and my cheek resting against the cool leather. I needed him to understand that I wasn’t upset, that I wasn’t judging him for what had happened in that room, that I understood because I’d tasted that rage myself.
As his breaths slowed, my courage grew, my hand pushing up over his abs to where my palm rested against the hammering muscle in his chest, waiting for it to slow to somewhere closer to normal. Fear and anger were borderline emotions. They ran the line of our consciousness and manifested in different ways. Drew’s came in the form of destruction. He needed to see his rage, watch as it became palpable and tear apart anything that stood in his way. That night, there wasn’t anything to receive his wrath, but he needed an outlet and Deeks had given it to him, no matter how much he loathed himself for having needed it.
Me? I understood it more than he probably realized. I’d felt it the day I hit Maisey Sutton in a rage of anger, and if I had to admit it to myself, jealousy. I wanted her to feel what I was feeling, to feel the darkness I felt when I imagined her with Drew—to feel the hurt she’d caused my brother by keeping Sloane away.
More than anything, though, I needed Drew to understand that I knew he wasn’t perfect and I loved him more for those imperfections. It was in the van that I realized what I felt about him. I had an epiphany as he rode ahead of us, his muscles tight from the undirected rage driving him forward. It seemed like it was an inappropriate time for my head to have adiscussion with my heart. The adrenaline was still flooding my veins and I could barely sit still, but no matter how many turns we took, my eyes sought him out, and I knew.
